Epistaxis

Tony and Michelle lay in the blazing afternoon heat. They watched as Joseph, now six years old, ran across the lawn chasing their German Shepherd, Bailey. It always astounded them how much energy was contained in one tiny body. They’d been at it for hours, but neither the boy nor the dog were growing tired yet. Still, it was a summer’s day in California, they were careful to ensure he was keeping hydrated and reapplying his sunscreen. The couple were positioned on the chaises of their patio, enjoying a rare day of rest. Running their own business certainly was a walk in the park compared to CTU, but it still had its challenges. 

Michelle felt herself being lulled to sleep by the warmth of the sun, her eyelids fluttering. A shriek suddenly jolted her awake. She opened her eyes to find Joseph standing in front of them, crying. A single stream of blood ran from his left nostril, before being smeared across his mouth, and trickling down his interlocked fingers. Crimson droplets pattered his sky-blue top. It was already crusting into a dark brown, as the heat catalysed the drying. 

She was frozen in place. Immediately, her mind flashed back to the day at the Chandler Plaza Hotel. Images swept across her mind. Endless bloodied tissues for endless bloodied noses. Bumps and boils destroying smoothed skin. Tears of fright and pain. Body bags upon body bags. Her palms were sweaty, body trembling, breathing ragged. 

She had no idea how much time had passed, Michelle couldn’t fill in the gaps, it was as if her mind had separated from her body. Tony and Joseph were gone, she was alone now. 

—

Tony had promptly picked up their son, rushed into the laundry, and ran the tap. 

“It’s okay...it’s okay….daddy’s here.” He cooed, using a paper towel and cold water to wipe away the blood. Retrieving a fresh tissue, he handed it to the child, who was still shaking.

“W-why is there red st-stuff c-coming out of my n-nose?” He babbled, tears still spilling from his eyes. 

Tony looked straight into Joseph's tiny pupils, knowing that his reassuring gaze would calm him down. “Sometimes on a hot day, the inside of our noses can dry up and bleed a little bit. All you have to do is take this, squeeze the squishy part of your nose really hard, and it’ll stop. I know it looks scary, but everything’s going to be okay.” 

Joseph’s breathing slowed, as he sniffled, understanding that if his dad was telling him everything was going to be okay, then he had nothing to worry about. Determined to follow his dad’s instructions, he squeezed his eyelids shut, as if it would give more power to his fingers pinching the bridge of his nose. Tony couldn’t help but smile at his enthusiasm.

—

“I was raised to believe that suicide was a sin.”

“No one could blame you, in this world or the next, for ending your suffering.”

Michelle wasn’t sure how, but she’d wandered to the bedroom. Her vision was hazy, as images from then and now blended into a bloody mess. It seemed every time she blinked, she changed location. The bedroom‘s illumination by the sunlight through the window switched to the dark, industrial basement of the hotel. The family photo on the dresser switched to that of a mother and a father giving their screaming child a suicide capsule, holding their own in their mouths to swallow them together. The white comforter on the flat, neat bed switched to the the silhouette of Gael’s body on the stretcher covered by a crisp, white sheet. She could feel her mind drifting away again. The faint sounds of birds chirping and the dog barking faded. Screams and cries pierced her ears, beeps from the various pieces of medical equipment rung out, and the non-stop buzzing of work calls from her phone only seemed to increase in volume.

—

Tony spent the next five minutes telling Joseph jokes and stories, as he continued to hold the tissue. His quivering lip upturned into a smile.

“Okay, I think it’s stopped now. Let me take a look?” Tentatively, Joseph removed the tissue, as Tony inspected his nose. To his relief, the bleeding had stopped. Wetting another paper towel, he wiped away the excess dried blood from his face. “See? All gone!” He showed him the clean tissue. 

“S-so now that it’s stopped, I can go back outside and pl-play with Bailey again?

Tony smiled, nodding. “Yep. You can keep playing with her until it gets dark. Then we’ll have dinner.”

“Baaaaaaailey!” Joseph called out, bolting towards the dog, whose tail was wagging at a mile a minute. Grabbing the tennis ball, he ditched it across the yard, as they resumed their play.

Tony noticed Michelle wasn’t on the patio. As soon as Joseph had run out to them, she’d seemingly drifted off into a trance. It was unusual for her to freak out like this. In fact, Michelle was normally the rational, level-headed one. She’d dealt with bumps and bruises countless times, so why was a bloody nose so different? Then he clicked. He’d only seen photos, but Michelle was right in the midst of the action when the Cordilla virus broke out. She’d seen hundreds of people die first-hand, Hell, it was a miracle she didn’t die herself. Going to therapy after such an experience would have been the logical thing to do. But with Tony’s arrest being the stunning conclusion to that shit-storm of a day, she was likely too preoccupied to process it properly.

Pacing through the house, he called her name. He didn’t hear a response. Eventually, he walked into their bedroom to find her sitting in the corner, curled up into a ball, staring off into space. She was palpitating, wide-eyed. Michelle hadn’t even noticed him come in.

—

“I will shoot you.”

She continued to relive the events of the day in every vivid detail. Michelle could still feel her quivering finger on the trigger of her Glock, as blood spurted from the two ruby holes on his back. Holes that she created. He fell limply, like a rag doll. The two rounds had silenced the chaos of the panicked people. She heard the gasps and cries of the other civilians that followed. Their shocked and horrified expressions fixated on her. She was supposed to keep everybody calm. That was her duty. That was her job. But the circumstances had forced her to take drastic measures. She’d been through weapons training and simulations, but Michelle had never killed a man until that moment. 

Her mind had blocked out so many aspects of that day, in place of the pain and anguish caused by Tony’s arrest. Later, after he’d been released, she had a new task to occupy her mind with, dealing with the change in her husband’s demeanour. After the divorce, she’d thrown herself into her work, taking on the responsibilities of being Deputy Director of Division. And after they’d gotten back together, they’d directed their energy towards starting a family and their own business. At no point over the last eight years had Michelle ever reminisced about the virus outbreak. But the sight of her son’s bloody nose had changed everything, and propelled her back to that horrific day.

Suddenly, she felt someone grabbing her. Michelle turned to see one of the patients, bloodied and coated in abscesses, gripping her shirt, screaming at her. Except his voice had an odd sense of familiarity. He was calling her name, how could this stranger possibly know her name?

—

He knelt down, lightly touched her shirt, and she immediately recoiled. There was a mania behind her eyes as she shook. Michelle mumbled to herself, Tony picked out the word ‘infected’. 

“Michelle? Michelle, it’s me…it’s me.” His voice was quiet, hoping not to spook her. She only flailed in response, still inside the hellish landscape of her mind. Her skin felt cool to the touch. She was shivering, her arms were covered in goosebumps, despite it being over one hundred degrees outside. He grabbed the light, cotton blanket, neatly folded on the bed and cautiously draped it over her shoulders. 

During his time in combat, he’d seen enough people deal with PTSD to recognise a flashback episode. He had just been lucky enough to not see anything too horrendous such that he’d left a broken man. But the others in his troop hadn’t been so fortunate. Tony continued to call her name. “What you’re seeing is just in your head, you’re here with me, Joseph’s okay, we’re all okay, sweetheart, please…”

It broke his heart to see her like this. She was normally so brave, even in their worst moments, she’d always been able to put up a strong front. But right now, she was timid, helpless even. At some point, he’d started tracing small circles on the back of her hand with his thumb. He knew that sudden contact would only scare her more, but she wasn’t rejecting his touch now. Eventually, she snapped back to reality. Michelle made eye-contact with him, before her eyes darted around the room as she readjusted to her surroundings.

“Tony, oh God, is Joseph okay? Where is h-he?” Her voice broke, as tears flooded from her eyes.

“He’s fine, Michelle, the bleeding stopped, it was just the heat, that’s all. Joseph’s in the yard playing with Bailey, everything’s fine. I’m here, you’re okay.” He rested his hands on her shoulders.

She let out a sob and threw her arms around him. He held her as she cried, still shuddering. Tony noticed the sharp, crescent-shaped indents left on her arms from squeezing herself. They sat like that for a little while, as he kissed her head and rubbed her back. Later, he felt her body sink into his with relief. Her fragmented breathing started to slow and return to a normal pace.  Her grip on him had relaxed slightly, now feeling how exhausted the attack had made her. Eventually, she leaned back to look at him, as he caressed her cheek.

“I-I don’t even remember what happened. One minute I was on the porch with y-you. Next minute I’m here, then I’m at the hotel, I couldn’t escape, it was like a nightmare. God…it was a-awful. I can’t believe I just lost it like that, what if you weren’t here when this happened, oh God…he would have been so scared to see me like this.”

“Sweetheart, that day took a huge toll on you, I don’t think you ever had a chance to deal with the trauma that came with it. The way you reacted was completely normal.” He swiped his thumb across her wet cheek.

“I-It just took over me, it’s not like me to lose control like that.”

“Michelle, as strong as you are, if you don’t process something traumatic, you’ll never be able to push past it. I think with me being arrested and everything that came after that, it just never came to mind.”

She sighed. “Yeah…yeah, I think you’re right.” 

Tony helped her off the floor, as they walked back outside to their son, who was too preoccupied with the dog to notice. She watched him silently for a while, allowing his carefree joy to calm her. He held her hand, as if keeping her grounded to reality. After some time, she spoke. “I think I should go see a therapist, I’m sure CTU gave us countless references for this sort of thing. I want to make sure this doesn’t happen again. Or at least, if it does happen, I’ll be able to understand and deal with it healthily.”

He nodded. “That’s a good idea, we’ll call one tomorrow. Whatever you need to do, I’ll be there. And Michelle?” She looked at him now. “I love you so, so much.” 

Michelle sniffled. “I love you too.”

—

Tony returned the picture book to its rightful place on the shelf, and turned off the lights, allowing the faint, yellow glow of the star-shaped nightlight to shine.

“Hey, daddy?” Joseph yawned.

“Yeah?”

“Why was mommy so sad before when my nose started bleeding?”

Tony paused, before speaking in a soft voice. “A long time ago, before you were born, your mom and I used to do some pretty scary work. One day, she had to go help out a lot of sick people. And some of those sick people had bloody noses.”

Joseph furrowed his brow. “But I wasn’t sick, so why was she scared?”

He struggled to place his words. How could he possibly explain this to him? He didn’t want to tell him too many details, after all, he’d just done all that work to reassure Joseph that everything was fine. Eventually, his brain found a metaphor that he hoped would make enough sense. “You know how sometimes you can have really scary dreams, and it feels like you can’t wake up?”

“Uh-huh?”

“Well sometimes grown-ups can have special dreams like that, except they don’t happen while we’re asleep, they happen when we’re awake. If we see something a little bit scary, our imagination makes us think it’s bigger and scarier. Your mom was having one of those dreams.”

The child nodded, trying to understand the concept. He suddenly perked up, “Oh! Like that one time the tree made pictures on my wall, and I thought it was a monster, and got really scared, but then you and mommy came in and showed me that it was all okay?”

Tony laughed through his nose, nodding. “Yeah. Exactly like that.”

“Oh, okay.” Joseph yawned again. “I love you, daddy.”

He leaned down, planting a kiss on his son’s forehead. “I love you too.”

Later, Tony crawled into bed, as Michelle placed a bookmark in her novel, and turned off the lamp.

“Michelle?”

“Yeah?”

“I realised…I don’t think I ever told you how proud I was of you, at how brave you were that day.” She furrowed her brow, much the way their son had done earlier. “You went straight into that hotel, guns blazing, and didn’t even care that there was a chance you’d be infected.”

Michelle shrugged. “It was my job, I did what I had to do.”

“Michelle, if Chappelle had asked me to do that, I would have done everything in my power to get out of it. I’ve seen war-zones, but what you did, what you saw…I’ll admit I was mad because you scared the Hell out of me, but it’s terrifying, honey. You have no idea how incredible you were.” His voice had a certain reverence to it.

“But it’s not like I stopped the virus from getting out. We couldn’t even keep the perimeter secure. Hundreds of people died that day.”

Tony shook his head. “Can you imagine how much worse it would have been if you weren’t there? People would have been rioting, and I can guarantee you a lot more would have been infected if it wasn’t for you keeping control.”

She thought back to the initial map Sunny Macer had shown CTU, of the rapidly increasing bullseye, the sickeningly high death estimates. Tony was right. Things could have been much worse.

“You’re right. I guess I really have suppressed how much I did that day, huh?”

He laughed, leaning in to kiss her, “I wouldn’t trust you to do anything else.”

Lying down, he held her close to him, a little tighter than usual. “I love you.” He whispered in her ear.

“I love you too.”