Should I Stay or Should I Go?

He blinked his eyes open wearily. The hospital room seemed bleaker than usual like a huge film of grey had been cast across his vision. Nobody seemed to be in the room, to his confusion. There’d been so many nurses and doctors swarming him before. The cacophony of voices had been almost unbearable. But now everything was eerily silent. Jack went to move but found himself feeling almost paralysed. After clearing his throat a few times, Jack found he could still use his voice a little, albeit hoarsely. He called out but heard no response. As he paid more attention to his surroundings, Jack realised that some of the elements of the hospital room were missing. There were several chairs, but no machines. The walls showed only one door in and out, but there was no window. He wondered if he was truly losing it now because of the bioweapon. Why couldn’t he die in peace? Did he have to deteriorate like this?

The door opened, and he turned his head as much as he could. If he had any doubt that he was going crazy, that all disappeared when Bill Buchanan entered the room. He was still wearing the black tactical gear he’d worn in the White House, but he looked okay, as though nothing had happened. That couldn’t be right. 

“Bill?”

Giving a small smile, Bill simply pulled up a chair beside his bed.

“What’s going on…where am I? W-Wait. How are you here?”

Bill sighed. “You’re on the edge, Jack.”

His brow furrowed. “Edge of what?”

“Dying, Jack. You can only see me right now because you’re on the edge of life and death.”

Somehow, he believed him. Dr Macer had told him that the prion variant was going to kill him, that they had no cure. Yes, there was the experimental method involving stem cells she’d mentioned, however, the chances of that working had been very low. And he’d told Kim not to do it because frankly, he didn’t want to get his hopes up, frankly, after seeing what had happened today, he didn’t want to be around to process any of it. They’d stopped the bioweapon from being released. He could die at peace with himself this way. But given what Bill was telling him, maybe Kim, stubborn as she was -- although the only person he could blame for that was him -- had decided to try it anyway.

“So…so what does this mean?”

“You can choose.” Bill spoke again just as Jack opened his mouth. “And I know where your mind is headed, but I’m here, along with a few other people, because we don’t want you to die yet, Jack.”

He’d heard this speech before. Some crap about how he had more to live for, how he was here for a reason, how he couldn’t just give up. There’d been a choice to make, there’d been a deadline, and there’d been valid reasoning for doing either. He supposed being on the edge of life and death was a lot like being in that plane destined to go down all those years ago. 

And if Bill was saying a few people would be talking him down this time...

“Other people? As in other people I know who are…?”

“Dead, yes. More specifically, people whose deaths you blame yourself for.”

He met Bill’s eyes, seeing them so serious, so earnest. It was chilling to think that just a few hours ago, he’d seen his body charred almost to the point of being beyond recognition. Those last moments replayed in his head again.

“You’re the only one who can do this, Jack.”

Before he’d even had the chance to try and stop him, Bill had gone and sacrificed himself, gone and done what Jack had wanted to do, knowing it would be a way to die with dignity, a way to die on his terms.

“Please just hear them out, Jack.”

Returning to the door, Jack watched several people file in. He recognised them all. It was overwhelming. He didn’t know who to speak to first as they all sat in the chairs surrounding his bed. But none of them seemed upset or resentful, even though, as Bill had said, he did indeed feel responsible for their demises. Could it be that they felt otherwise?

Jack still had so many questions. He needed to know how this would work, who he would see, where they were coming from, and where he would go if he did decide to pass over.

“I…I don’t know what to say.” He tried his hardest to give them all eye contact, but the limitations of his body restricted him.

“You don’t have to say anything.” Ryan started. “Just listen to us. Because you don’t deserve to die like this, Jack.”

A crease formed on his forehead. “How…how can you say that? How can you tell me I don’t deserve to die after what I did to you? To all of you?”

“You did what you had to do, Jack. If you hadn’t killed me, Saunders would have released more of the virus and killed hundreds, if not thousands, of people. Killing one person to save thousands? It was a no-brainer…if you’ll pardon the joke.”

He shook his head in disbelief.

“We might not have always gotten along, I’ll be honest,” Ryan laughed through his nose “I thought you were chaos from the day I met you. But you’re also one of the bravest men I’ve ever known, and you’ve done things for this country that nobody would dare to. When you told me what had to happen…I knew you would have evaluated every possible option, I knew you weren’t doing it in haste, so I forgave you before you even pulled the trigger.”

“And I feel the same.” Curtis supplied. “Neither of us was in the right frame of mind that day. I was blinded by my memories, I was blinded by my rage, and I couldn’t restrain myself. You had just come back from being tortured. I was amazed that you could just get dressed, pick up a gun, and move on like it was nothing to you. Which is why I knew it wasn’t personal. You were doing what you knew was right because that’s what you always do, Jack. So please think about what the right choice is in this situation. Because I’ve seen you go through a lot, you deserve to have some happy years ahead of you.”

Again, he was so taken aback by the generosity. All these years, he’s carried so much guilt, so much pain, so much self-hatred, because of the sacrifices he’d made for the sake of a country that would never repay its debts to him. But to have these people who’d lost their lives because of him sit around and tell him that it was okay, that he had no reason to carry that with him anymore felt so foreign to him and how he’d treated himself all these years. Jack couldn’t think of a rebuttal. They’d come from whatever the afterlife looked like just to tell him that he was wrong and that he was allowed to move on.

“You don’t owe any of us anything, Jack. Except to stay alive just a little longer.” David said warmly. “You have saved my life countless times. It was only fitting I died protecting you. It shames me to think I couldn’t have done more for you at the time, so believe me when I say I want you to enjoy your life, Jack.”

“Think about Kim. I know she’s probably the only person who will seriously matter in this decision. She might have pushed you away, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. Just like you’ve never stopped loving her.” Michelle said earnestly. “I know that that’s true because I watched your little girl cry her eyes out at your funeral. I watched Tony hold her like she was his own.” The mention of Tony’s name sent a chill down his spine. He wondered if she had any idea of what he’d done since she’d passed. “If you die, I’m not going to be able to do that again. When we helped you escape that day, we promised we’d be there for her. Don’t make me break that promise to you.” 

George rolled his eyes. “I’ve given you this spiel once before, Jack. It still holds up. The choice is simple. You can give in to the part of you that wants to give up, or you can still try again. You still have a life ahead of you. Alright, you might not be as young as when I told you all this the first time, but still, it’s not too late.”

Faintly, Jack could hear beeps, like those from an ECG, in the background. They sounded as though they were coming from another room. He stopped paying attention to them when Teri’s hand lightly touched his arm. Jack felt a clutch in his chest when she smiled at him. She still looked the same. There was such a lightness about her. There always had been. The kind of lightness of someone who hadn’t seen and felt the immense tragedies he had. Even long before she’d died, when he was a young, naive CIA operative, he’d felt the contrast, he’d felt such darkness within him and realised very early on that it would never disappear. 

“No matter how old she is, our little girl will always need you. So I’m asking you, Jack, to forgive yourself for what’s happened. We’re all sitting here telling you that none of it was your fault, so you should go back and live the rest of your life.”

The beeps were louder, more insistent, now. Jack felt something pulling him, tugging at every limb of his body.

“Goodbye, Jack.” They said.

As everything started to fade around him, he suddenly felt someone seize his arm. 

“Come on, Jack.” Nina scoffed. “You know it’s all a lie. If you go back there, you’ll be miserable. If you come with me…” She lowered her voice. “At least you’ll never be able to hurt anyone again.” He felt a chill course through him when she brushed her hand against his cheek. “I know deep down you still blame yourself for everything, no matter what they told you.”

It was like she was speaking from the inner part of his psyche, the darkest part of him. At the same time…if this really was Nina, he wouldn’t put it past her to pick up on exactly how he felt. That was another terrifying thought. If he let himself cross over now, he doubted he’d be with his wife and all the other people who’d just begged him to give life another shot. He knew he’d be going wherever Nina was. And that scared him more. Jack’s thoughts began to spiral, but he stopped himself when he remembered that he didn’t have to go with her.

He’d already made his choice. 

And he’d be damned if he let her change it.

Pushing her away, he heard her cackle as everything went dark around him. Suddenly the only noise he could hear was his own breathing and heartbeat. The beeps he’d heard before were frantic but now, stable, rhythmic tones joined his soundscape. Some voices muttered things. Jack heard the word ‘stabilised’. He could feel the weight of his body lying supine. The strong smell of disinfectant and metal wafted into his nostrils. Shapes started to form in his vision. There was an oxygen mask over his face. But out of the corner of his eye, he could see Kim sitting in the chair by his bed. She was sighing with relief.

She took his hand in both of hers and squeezed it. He felt moisture fall onto his skin. He found her eyes, and she smiled through her tears. 

“Oh, Dad, I’m so glad you came back to us.” 

It hurt every muscle in his face, but he attempted to turn up the corners of his mouth. 

“Me too.” He thought.