Where We Left Off

“Hey, did you get the results back yet?” He asked worriedly.

“Y-yeah…you might want to sit down for this.” The uncertainty in her voice definitely wasn’t a good sign as he shut the door to his office, and did as she’d said. She took in a deep breath. “I-I have some good news and some bad news.”

Tony squeezed his eyes shut. “What’s the bad news?” The back of his mind told him he knew exactly what it was, but he refused to listen.

“I-I’m infected. My blood test came back positive. I’ve got it.”

Before he could question what exactly that meant, even though deep down inside he knew, she cut him off.

“But that’s not the important thing, I don’t have a lot of time to talk, and you need to hear the rest of it.”

“What could be more important th-?”

Michelle laughed weakly, almost in utter disbelief. “My amniocentesis came back negative. The baby’s fine.”

He furrowed his brow. “So…”

She breathed deeply again. “They’re saying that…so long as they’re careful about contamination, and quick to get him out of there, if they deliver him now, he could survive.”

“Now? You’re barely even seven months!”

They’d agreed on no more field missions for Michelle after the six month mark, but somehow she’d still managed to get looped in, given her experience and prowess. As much as Tony had protested, she’d insisted that she’d be fine because of the hazmat suits, that she’d be fine because it was mainly just civilians, they weren’t going to any sort of hideout. She’d insisted that her stress wouldn’t be detrimental to the baby, that she’d be careful. At this moment, hearing those words, Tony wished to God he’d argued harder.

Truth be told, the pregnancy hadn’t exactly been intentional either. Both of them had discussed wanting children, but they’d wanted to wait until they knew Langley was a definite, knowing the lack of field work and pay rise would put them in a good position. But one mildly intoxicated New Years party later, and that plan had been accelerated.

“O-obviously he’d have to go straight to the NICU. There’s a lot of variables to consider, lots of things that could go wrong, but the point is…I’m not getting out of here alive but our son might.” 

He hadn’t spoken for at least thirty seconds. 

“Honey, you there? We’re running out of time, the longer he’s in there, the higher the risk of infection, we need to make a decision.”

“Y-you’re giving me the choice?” His voice broke.

“O-of course.” She shrugged a little. “You’re entitled to that right. If being a single father means something dif-“

“Do it, Michelle. Having him might be the only way I live the rest of my life without you.” His voice was weakening.  “I-I know it’s not a definite. But do it. As soon as possible, just…just give him the chance.”

She sniffled. “Okay…okay.”

On admitting that this would be the final time he’d hear her voice, Tony mustered his remaining strength. “Alright…so….” He swallowed the painful lump in his throat. “This is it, huh? This is goodbye?”

Michelle noticed her vision blurring as tears welled in her eyes. “God, I’m so sorry.”

“Sorry? What are you sorry for?” He felt his stomach lurch as she began to cry.

“I was so stubborn, I wanted to prove myself. I-I shouldn’t have gone in there before the hazmat suits arrived. If I had, then this wouldn’t be happening. God, I’m an awful mother, I should have thought about him, I shouldn’t have let my judgement be cloud-“

“Hey…hey…” He stopped her in her spiral, oddly taking him back to the day of the nuclear bomb when they’d first kissed. Michelle always had a determined façade, but that was the first time he’d ever seen her vulnerable side. The side of her that doubted or questioned every decision she made. The part of the brain that always told her she could have done this, should have done that. Tony knew it was a huge deal for her to let her guard down. And she had on that day. It was the first sign to him that she genuinely felt something for him, and wasn’t manipulating him the way Nina had. 

“You made a judgement call. You thought you’d be able to stop it from getting out, and you nearly did. Michelle, the reason why you’re a good agent, the reason why I made you Chief of Staff wasn’t just because I love you and thought you deserved the world, it’s because you’re always objective. More than I could ever be. You know how to put your work, your duty above all else.” Tony could hear her sobbing softly. “Michelle.” He raised his voice slightly. “I love you, and our son, more than anything else in this world. We knew that this was always a risk, that one of us might not make it home one day. You did the best you could, and I am so, so proud of you.”

Michelle smiled through her tears. “I love you too. Thank you. For the last three years. For our son. For…for everything.”

“I love you too. Good luck, sweetheart.”

And with that, the phone fell from his hand, and Tony sunk to the office floor. His hands were shaking, almost violently. He couldn’t fathom anything. Michelle was dying, but she was having the baby first, she was having it without him by her side. But the baby could die too. It was too early. Far too early. Even at this point along, her belly hadn’t gotten overwhelmingly big. It was normal they’d been told. This was their first child after all. First and last, Tony now realised. 

In the time he’d spent dissociating, Kim quietly came up the stairs to the office. She screwed up her face, confused, and concerned, seeing him sit there looking off distantly. Tentatively, she knocked. That seemed to jolt him out of whatever was happening. He normally managed to keep his cool, so she already knew that for him to react this way, it had to be something to do with Michelle. He looked so lost, so hopeless. And call it intuition, but Kim was pretty damn sure she knew why. Her heart felt heavy, but her voice still managed to maintain its composure.

“S-she got it, didn’t she?”

Slowly, gravely, he nodded. 

Her mouth fell agape, trying to find any words that wouldn’t sound patronising. There was nothing to say except how sorry she was. How sick she felt knowing CTU had ruined another family. A family she’d grown attached to and wanted to see be happy, given her own suffering because of CTU. She laid the papers on the desk.

“I-I’ll call my dad, you can’t run CTU like this.”

Before he could protest, she left, fishing her cell from her pocket.

“Kim, we’re about to go in, I can’t talk for long. We’ll talk about you and Chase later.” Jack was flustered and impatient, the way he always was when he was about to go into the field.

She hardened her voice, desperately trying to convey her urgency. “N-no, dad…it’s about Tony.”

“What about him?” His voice lost its edge.

“It’s…it’s Michelle.” Kim gulped. “She got the virus.”

Despite the overwhelming amount of drugs they’d forced into her, she could still feel an immeasurable pain in her chest, as her son was taken away from her, desperately screaming and gasping with his undersized lungs. She wasn’t allowed to hold him, they’d told her. The logical part of her brain understood that of course. In the makeshift delivery room they’d established in the sterile section of the hotel, Michelle was the only thing left that could contaminate him. But her heart couldn’t fathom it. Her heart was telling her to take him into her arms and never let go. They’d rushed him away into the vestibule, cleaned him, rapidly hooked him up to scary-looking incubators and machines, and drawn a blood sample from his tiny heel. Thankfully though, there was at least a glass pane separating them. Stumbling, with Doctor Macer supporting her, Michelle approached the window, helplessly trying to see what she could.

“He’s beautiful, Michelle. I hope he makes it. After all we’ve seen today…a miracle is what we need.” There was a hesitant look in her eyes. As though she were holding something back. But Michelle was too overwhelmed to notice or process it.

She brushed a tear away. “Thank you.”

“I-I know you were a little rushed, but did you agree on a name?”

In all the emotional fuss of that phone call, they hadn’t. She thought back to the list they’d half-jokingly made when they’d first found out she was having a boy. ‘Lucas’ was the first one they’d agreed on. It seemed to be the only thing her brain could fixate on right now.

“Lucas.” She cleared her throat. “Middle name ‘Joseph’ after Tony’s dad.”

Sunny had scrawled something on her notepad. “Lucas Joseph Dessler-Almeida.” 

Michelle smiled. “Perfect.”

As the airtight seal shut with a shudder, Michelle took a final moment to look at her son, knowing that the cyanide tablet that would be her demise awaited her. She was fortunate enough to have not shown symptoms at this point, and didn’t plan on waiting around until they did.

“I know you can’t hear me, sweetheart.” She whispered through the glass. “Every part of me wants to run in there and hold you. But I can’t, because I have to keep you safe. I-I’ve loved you since the day I found out you were inside me and it’s killing me that I can’t even look at you properly.” Michelle wiped a tear from her eye. “I’m not going to be around to watch you grow up. Which is why I need you to be strong, okay? I want you to fight, with your tiny lungs, and your tiny heart, so you can grow up nice and big.” The tears were streaming now. “You need to fight so you can be there for your daddy. Because the truth is he needs you a lot more than you need him. Please, Lucas, I need you to fight.” Michelle gazed at him for the next hour, focusing on the faint rise and fall of his chest, and not on the impending fear that her nose would start to bleed.

When that hour passed, suddenly the room was full of doctors, still clad in hazmat suits, now looking as though they were rushing him away. Doctor Macer stuck her head through the door, a pleased look on her face.

“His blood test was negative, he’s not sick.” Sunny cleared her throat. “We can take him to a proper hospital now so your husband can see him. The NICU at Cedars is excellent, once he gets there, his chances will be good.” She left before Michelle could even open her mouth.

Relief flooded through her, knowing that although his survival was still not a guarantee, the virus she was about to give her life fighting hadn’t affected him. As the cot was wheeled away, Michelle took her final chance to say goodbye, pressing her trembling hand to the glass, before turning and allowing herself to break down.

—

Half a day later, Tony practically bolted into the NICU at Cedars-Sinai, desperately holding back the urge to scream. He hadn’t slept in over twenty-four hours, but by this point all the vials had been obtained. The threat had been downgraded and passed off to smaller law enforcement divisions to maintain remaining quarantine zones. Had this been a regular mission, Tony would have gone straight home and crashed on the couch. But Jack, equally as exhausted, had taken the wheel and driven them both straight to the hospital.

Tony covered his hand with his mouth when the nurse directed his frenzied gaze to the baby with dark hair being engulfed by the hoard of equipment surrounding him. He noticed the small name label on the bed-frame, repeating the name over and over again in his mind. It wasn’t an easy sight. Especially knowing what had transpired up until this point. His other hand came flush with the glass as he stifled a sob. Jack’s hand rubbed small circles on Tony’s back. 

“Look at him…he’s tiny, Jack.” He croaked. “H-he’s not supposed to look like that.”

“Hey.” Tony looked up at Jack. “If any kid’s going to survive this, it’s going to be a kid of yours and Michelle’s.”

Nodding, Tony allowed himself to be comforted by the sensation of Jack’s hand rubbing his shoulder, as he exhaled audibly, full of relief that Lucas had made it this far, full of despair that Michelle wasn’t around to see it. “You stay here as long as you need. I’ll take care of everything, you just worry about him.”

“Why can’t she be here?” He asked timidly. “Why do I have to be alone in this?”

“You’re not. Michelle might not be here, but you have me. Always.” Jack murmured quietly. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Jack stopped rubbing his shoulder, only briefly, to instead take Tony by the forearm and guide him around the corner into what seemed to be the most private, isolated section of the hall. Only then, did he he weep, hugging and squeezing the plane of Jack’s back tightly, as though he were worried he’d disappear too. Only then, could Tony no longer contain the sheer emotional whirlwind he’d been experiencing over the last day. 

“Shh…shh…it’s going to be okay.” He murmured into Tony’s ear.

“You don’t know that, Jack…” 

There was so much confusion and overwhelm. How was he supposed to feel? He’d just lost the love of his life. But at the same time, he’d just been blessed with the gift of new life. A life that perfectly contained him and her. However this life was fragile, it was not quite whole yet. There was underlying fear. A great understanding that there was a chance this life would not last long. Right now, though, this life was all he had. 

All he would ever have left of her.

After a period of crying, of Tony knowing that was the only way he could express himself right now, with Jack continuing to gently make circles on his back, he looked up, his tearful brown eyes gazing into Jack’s comforting blue. “Thank you.” He whispered.

He nodded. “Of course.”

So every day, Jack brought Tony physical copies of the daily chatter and updates from the meetings. He knew that his computer and cell would interfere with the sensitive machinery, so Jack would gladly make the trip from CTU to Cedars-Sinai as many times as necessary so Tony was still in the loop. He would mindlessly grab the papers from him, not taking his eyes off the little boy through the glass window. Of course, Jack understood. He knew that Tony would read the documents on his own time. So as not to seem rude, he’d usually stay a few minutes, looking through the window with him. 

From the outside, he seemed to be holding it together. Somewhat stoic, somewhat content, watching his child. Every last bit of focus directed solely towards him.

But deep down, Jack knew that Tony was fragile. That the grief and pain over losing Michelle had been transferred into hope and will for this child’s survival. It meant he wasn’t the aching mess a typical widow was. It meant he had a reason to keep going. But Jack feared that if things weren’t to work out, that if a complication arose, if a machine were to fail, and Lucas didn’t make it? He knew Tony wouldn’t either. 

One time Jack happened to be there when Lucas’ heart monitor beeped in alarm. Immediately, Tony had risen to his feet, pressing a hand to the window. Nurses had rushed in, checking everything, shrouding Tony’s view. 

“No. No, no, no. Oh God, please…” Jack heard him whisper brokenly. 

His breath hitched in his throat as the machine continued to alarm. A few minutes later, it stopped. The nurses moved back. One left, to enter the vestibule, calmness painted on his face.

“He’s fine. A bit of arrhythmia can set the machine off sometimes, that’s all. We’ve stabilised him, obviously we’ll keep an eye…”

The words floated past Tony after he got the key message across. He rubbed his hands over his face, nodding.

Jack couldn’t imagine what he had felt in that moment. How many times this had happened before, how many times it could happen again. Wordlessly, Jack pulled Tony’s shaking body into an embrace.

The day was here. After three arduous months of tests, checks, relapses, slow removal of the tubes connecting into his body, if all went well, today was the day they told Tony he could hold Lucas. Hold him properly. Not just run a trembling finger along the length of his tiny body but actually feel the weight of his son in his arms. 

Jack could tell Tony was scared. There were still some final things they needed to assess, it wasn’t entirely set in stone. But not just that. If things were successful today, then in a matter of days, Tony would finally be able to bring him home. And from that moment on, he would ‘officially’ be the boy’s father. The feedings, the routines, the changes, it was all about to start. Despite having felt semi-prepared for all of it from the earlier periods of Michelle’s pregnancy, the thought of putting it into practice was terrifying. As it should be to any parent. Especially one doing it alone. And especially one who’d had to hear about the slim chances of his son’s survival for the entirety of his life span so far. If something were to happen now, after the anxiety of these last three months, Jack knows it would destroy him.

He placed a hand on his friend’s back, letting him lead as the nurse opened the door to the ward. From a distance, Lucas almost looked like any other baby, squirming and contorting on the cot. But the differences, the features that set him apart from the other babies that weren’t in this ward, were only apparent as they drew near. The translucency of his skin. The few remaining wires connecting him to rhythmically beeping machines. The still-noticeable size difference between him and every other newborn baby.

HIs heartbeat was stable, his chest clearly rising and falling. That was what Tony had fixated on mainly. Watching the progression from seeing his son lie almost completely still to seeing him move, to seeing him fight with every ounce of energy he had to breathe, to sustain his own life.

As the final few wires were removed, the nurse was quick to swaddle him. Lucas was passed to Tony, sat in the chair, every emotion combining into an anxious, volatile expression of worry.

He still looked so small in his hands. Lucas moved to adjust, opening his eyes. They were big and brown and searching. Tony desperately gazed back, hoping for some sort of sign of recognition. He wondered if it was Michelle in his position right now, whether Lucas would react differently. Lucas made a small noise, and Tony let out a gasp.

“Hi…” He whispered, sniffling, not breaking eye contact. “Hi, sweetheart…”

Jack couldn’t help but tear up either. He was taken back in his mind to the day he held Kim. Memories of Teri came back too, creating a pang in his chest. Had it really been that long?

Tony lifted his finger so Lucas could grab on, his fist barely curling all the way around. The small coos that came out of him only served to accelerate the tears streaming from Tony’s eyes as he continued to murmur to him gently.

“If only your mom could see how big you’ve gotten. How strong you are. She’d be so proud of you…”

Lucas began to cry, upon seeing his father’s teary eyes, hearing the pain in his father’s voice. Tony hushed him, the flood of emotions continuing to overwhelm him. However there was a smile on his face. A faint one, but it was there. Because this was the moment he’d been anticipating since the day Michelle showed him a blue line on a stick nine months ago. This was all Tony had wanted. For his son to push through the battles and obstacles placed in front of him from the get-go, so Tony could pick up where they’d left off, and begin his life as a father.

And Jack realised that through watching Tony these last few months, he had wanted this outcome just as badly.

Of course, he’d wanted to see the child grow and be healthier and sustain his own life. But he’d also wanted to see that half smile that could only belong to him. Because seeing Tony smile gave Jack that warm feeling inside that reminded him there was good in this world left after all.

He realised that Tony’s happiness was important to him.

Because being in the process of getting clean meant Jack had to remember what was important. What made him happy. What reminded him that life was still worth living, just as it was, with no filter, with nothing to numb it.

And right now, seeing a father cradle his newborn in his arms, specifically, a father that Jack cared very much about, was putting Jack in that good place. The good place he forgot he could be in.

The good place that he’d been when he and Teri had gotten back together. Or in that brief period of time with Kate before he went undercover, and things with Kim were healing. 

Seeing Tony recover, seeing him deal with so much of the same pain, it reminded him that Jack could too. 

That there was a way out. 

And that way out was simply called love.

“Bauer.” He mumbled, not having seen who was calling. There was a baby crying in the background.

“Hey Jack…sorry to bother you.” 

His assumption in the identity of the voice was correct. Tony’s voice was broken, like he’d been crying too.

Jack cleared his throat. “No…no…it’s fine. Everything okay?”

“It’s Lucas. He won’t stop crying, I, uh, didn’t know who to call. I swear I’ve done everything and-”

“I’ll be there in ten.”

He paused. “Thanks.”

The four days that had passed since bringing Lucas home had taken their toll on Tony, clearly. He’d still been working long hours from home, Jack vigilantly providing correspondence, only to have his newborn consume whatever remaining energy he had left. Dark circles hung beneath his eyes. He looked pale, as if he’d barely had a chance to eat or drink. The deep, engaging brown eyes Jack was used to seeing were fretful, flickering, afraid. Even his body, strong and sturdy, was shaking. Lucas wailed in his arms. Jack could tell he was tensing, trying to keep them still.

“Here…here, I’ll take him. Go sit down.”

Cautiously, he passed the baby to him, as Tony stumbled to the couch, resting his face in his hands.

“I’ve fed him, burped him, changed him, he’s not running a fever, he’s-“ He rambled, before sighing. “What am I supposed to do, Jack?”

“I miss you too, honey.”Jack sighed. “Just a few more weeks, and I’ll be home with both of you.”

“Yeah…I know…” Teri smiled a little, sniffling. “I understand.”

Jack squeezed his eyes shut, hearing the weakness in her voice. “Did you get Kim to stop crying?”

She let out an exhausted breath. “Yeah, finally. One of your shirts did the trick, believe it or not.”

“Go grab an old shirt of Michelle’s. Anything’ll do, just nothing with buttons or things he could choke on.”

He screwed up his fatigued face. “What?”

Jack rolled his eyes. “Just trust me.”

Gingerly standing up, he obliged. Returning with a black t-shirt, he passed it to Jack. Gently, Jack walked into the nursery, laying him down in the cot. His tiny arms stretched out, trying to hold on. Hushing him, Jack laid the t-shirt across his chest, making sure he could still breathe. Miraculously, within minutes, he calmed down, and fell asleep. Breathing settled, a hint of a smile crept across his face. Part of the shirt was clenched in his left fist.

Tony let out a weak laugh.

“How did you…?”

“Teri used to do that with my clothes for Kim. Back when I was still in Delta.” He mumbled, nostalgically. “Go get some sleep now, you’re exhausted.”

He still seemed to be transfixed by the sight of his child sleeping peacefully. Almost afraid it was too good to be true. But at the same time, the look was full of adoration. “Yeah…yeah…”

“Tony?”

“I-I have to get this right. I can’t screw this up. I-I’m all he’s got now. I’m the only hope he has of living a good life.” His voice was pained, breaking. “But every time I see him, I see her. I can’t think about anything, I can’t breathe in this fucking house Jack without thinking about everything. How I had to say goodbye to her over the phone. How we had to cremate her because otherwise it was a hazmat risk…”

Jack rested a hand on his shoulder. “You can do this. Even if you’ve got nothing left in you, you need to do this for her. And for him. It’s like you said. You’re all he’s got now. But I’m here for you too, remember that. I know part of what you’re going through, so let me be there.” He sighed. “Look…for you, for me, it’s never going to be the same again. Nearly five years Tony, and I still haven’t been happy.” There was a sense of vulnerability in Jack’s voice. One that Tony seldom heard.  “I tried with Kate, but after everything that happened with Madsen, I knew she was better off without me. Booze, cigarettes, heroin, they didn’t help either. There’s no magic cure, there’s no fix.” His blue eyes pierced into Tony’s, emphasising his point. “All you need is one reason.” He held up his finger. “One reason to not pull the trigger. Or take the pills, or whatever. And he, your son, needs to be that reason, the thing that stops you, just like how Kim is mine.”

He squeezed his eyes shut, blinking back tears. “I-I know. He has to be the reason I keep going. But thanks. For this, for coming, for uh, being there.”

“Of course. I’ll stay the night as well, if he wakes up, I’ll calm him. You need all the sleep you can get.”

Nodding, Tony returned to the master bedroom. Jack peered over the cot one last time, before settling himself on the living room couch.

Three Years Later

Calls at 2:30am were rarely a good thing. It either meant beginning a work day that would certainly last for at least twelve hours, or that something was wrong. He saw the caller ID was Tony and his heart dropped.

“I-I’m at the hospital. I-it’s Lucas. He woke up screaming, saying his chest hurt, I-I had to call 911, oh god…”

“I’m coming, I’m coming, I’ll be there…” Jack sandwiched the phone between his ears as he frantically left the house, trying to reassure Tony, but he knew he wouldn’t be of any help until he was by his side.

“Please…” He whispered. “I-I need you here.”

Jack rushed through the doors of the hospital, following the familiar trail to the paediatric unit. 

Unfortunately, this wasn’t the first time they’d met up like this. In the past few years, there’d been numerous scares, sometimes due to Tony’s overprotective nature, other times, minor procedures had been needed, things had been checked. It only served to fester the anxiety within him that he would outlive the only son he’d likely ever have.

“What is it this time?”

He ran a hand over his face. “Th-they’re not sure, yet. Just rushed him into surgery straight away.” Tony’s voice was thin, already on the verge of breaking.

A surgeon came out, clad in her coat and mask. She gave a knowing smile to Tony. “We’ve just given him the anaesthesia, it’s looking like it’ll be open-heart surgery again. Since he’s older, we’ll be able to do more to the faulty valve, so hopefully he won’t need to go through it again.” She shrugged, hesitantly. “Or at least not for another few years or so.”

Normally Tony would just nod dismissively at the medical jargon being given to him. The specifics didn’t matter. Either way his son was being put under the knife and his own heart was ready to burst at the seams.

This time he just turned around and left. Following him, Jack found himself in the small garden just outside the ward, Tony facing away from him.

“It wasn’t supposed to be like this. It wasn’t supposed to fucking be like this!” Tony yelled. “He’s not even four yet, and he’s having surgeries that most people won’t even have over the course of a lifetime, Jack. Do you know how many nights I spend sitting outside his door watching him breathe all night? How I’m too scared to sleep in case something happens?” Jack did know. He’d seen him. He’d even bought him an expensive sensor for the cot that would pick up any strange breathing patterns or lack thereof. Tony hadn’t stopped his habit though, too paranoid to trust anything except his own vision. “I can’t keep going through this. I can’t keep being led to believe that he’s healthy and he’s fine one day and on the verge of dying the next. I just can’t do this anymore, Jack.” He took in another breath, before a pained whisper left him, barely audible over the wind. “A-and she was supposed to be here with me.”

Jack knew he cared for Tony. He knew he cared for his son too. Tony was a friend first and foremost, but when someone so close to you suffers in a way so similar to what you’ve dealt with, what you’re still trying to deal with, you’re bound to increase that level of care. And considering Jack’s life didn’t have many dependent components, when he’d receive the panicked calls in the early hours of the morning, he simply didn’t mind being there. At the surface, he believed he was being there for Tony because being a parent was hard with two people in this job, let alone being enough on your own, let alone when that child was constantly on the brink of a medical disaster. 

But at some point he realised there was a deeper, more meaningful reason he was there for Tony. It wasn’t apparent to him until this moment.

He wanted to be there for Tony not because he wanted to help him keep going. 

Jack wanted to see Tony thrive, to see him be happy.

Because when you love someone, that’s all you want for them. To see them happy. And for them to share that happiness with you.

And because he loved Lucas. He’d been there every milestone, every birthday, without fail.

Jack suspected over the years that Tony felt similarly. It wasn’t an obvious confession. The first time Jack suspected that Tony’s feelings for him ran deeper as well was when Jack realised he had become the second emergency contact for the hospital if they couldn’t get in touch with Tony. Not his parents or siblings. Not even Michelle’s brother. Him. Or the fact that Tony had helped Jack to find a rehab centre through Cedars, so he wouldn’t have to be too far from him and Lucas.

And Tony had suspected too. Again, there was no obvious sign. It was the first time Lucas had been rushed to hospital, not even a month after being allowed to come home. In the midst of wandering the halls while he was in surgery, he’d found Jack, a man he knew had abandoned religion many years ago, praying in the hospital chapel.

“I know I’m far from the perfect person. I know I’ve done a lot of things that are unforgivable.”

Tony leant against one of the pillars at the back of the chapel, watching Jack, hunched over in a pew. He was alone.

“But if I’m allowed to ask you one thing, it’s that you let this child live. Let him live a long, healthy, happy life.” His voice hardened with anger. It was fair, Tony supposed. Jack was certainly someone with the right to be angry with God. “Because his father is a good man. That boy’s father has lost and suffered enough, he shouldn’t have to lose his only child too.”

Even when times had been tough and the part-time hours at CTU were no longer enough to pay for the flux of expensive medical bills coming his way, Jack had helped Tony with them, insisting he didn’t need anything in return. 

And at this moment, right now, with Tony falling apart in front of him, showing more vulnerability than he ever had, Jack realised he was the only one who could be there for him. 

So he came around and kissed him in the moonlit back garden of the hospital.

Tony released his breath, confused, but not pulling away either, allowing his emotions to be swept away by the kiss. Allowing the warmth, the reassurance the kiss provided to take his pain away, even just for that moment. His hands crept around the back of Jack’s neck, communicating that he wanted this too, that he needed this. That right now, all Tony needed was someone to hold him and tell him everything was going to be okay, even though his analytical mind tried to fight and insist it wasn’t.

He pulled back after a moment, looking into Jack’s discerning blue eyes. “Thank you…” Was all he could manage. “For being there through everything.”

“I-I told you’d I’d be there, and I was. And I always will be.” 

“W-wait a minute, I need to get something.” Tony asked, nervously.

It was the first night Jack was staying over since they’d admitted their feelings for each other. He wasn’t sure what Tony was getting at. But nonetheless, he sat on the couch, and waited. 

Tony came back with a manilla envelope, and placed it on the coffee table before sitting in the armchair across him. Jack furrowed his brow as he tore the seal off, before his mouth opened, speechless.

“Adoption papers?”

Tony nodded slowly, his dark eyes filled with anxiety. “N-no pressure or anything, but…” He sighed. “Y-you’re a part of this family. If something were to happen to me, I wouldn’t want him to be constantly moved between my parents’ or Michelle’s parents. They’re getting older, they shouldn’t have to be burdened with a child. And Danny’s got his own kids to care for.” The exhale was shuddery this time. “I would want him to have a home, his home. And I would want him to be with his father.”

He furrowed his brow a little.

“His other father.” Tony clarified.

Jack felt a warmth in his chest as Tony continued to ramble, fearful of what the future could hold, fearful for his son. He simply looked at him, an adoring smile creeping across his face. When Tony saw this, he stopped, finishing his sentence in a quiet mumble.

“Yes. I’ll be his other guardian. The fact that you trust me with this…it means a lot, Tony. Thank you.”

The relief in Tony’s face was evident as Jack gestured for a pen to sign off the papers.

As soon as Jack looked up, Tony was already inches away, one warm, slightly shaky hand around the back of Jack’s neck, the other resting on his thigh. Although initially surprised, Jack was quickly kissing him back, pulling Tony onto the couch beside him. A buzz coursed through him, as Jack became amazed at how much emotion, how much communication could be conveyed in one kiss. That yes, Tony had been wanting to be more than friends for quite some time, that yes, he wanted him fully present in his and his son’s life, that yes, perhaps Tony loved him just as much as he did.

Eventually, Tony was lying on top of Jack, a knee pressing between his legs, a hand slowly creeping under his shirt, up his back. He’d stop every few seconds, checking that Jack was comfortable, that he wasn’t going too fast. Perhaps it was because he’d lost the love of his life once, that Tony was desperate to have some semblance of it back again. That the thought of being able to spend the rest of his life with someone he truly cared for was so exciting, was so relieving, that he wanted to make sure he didn’t let it go.

But Jack seemed to be just as eager, tilting his hips upwards slightly, emphasising the growing friction and hardness between them. And before Tony knew it, his pants were being inched down his hips slowly, along with his boxers. Jack took him in his hand, tentatively. Looking up, Tony nodded, his brown eyes glassy and entranced. Slowly, Jack began to stroke him. He listened to Tony’s breath shorten, watched him buck into his hand, quietly ask for him to speed up. Jack smirked, having no intention of doing so, of savouring this almost hypnotic moment of intimacy. Messily, Tony leaned down to kiss him, slowly rocking against him in time with Jack’s motions. 

He moaned as Jack’s hardness was pressing back into him now. Desperate to make him feel as loved and as cared for as he did right now, Tony palmed him, laughing weakly as he struggled to slip his hand beneath Jack’s boxers. 

“I’m close…I’m close…” Tony whispered, over and over again, occasionally whimpering. This only brought Jack closer and closer to the edge. Seeing the concentration in Tony’s face grow, Jack quickly covered Tony’s parted lips with his own as he came, his groan muffled. After all, there was a toddler asleep in the next room. 

Jack’s hands joined Tony’s as they brought him to his own undoing, similarly crying out Tony’s name into his mouth.

They kissed again for a while, hands grazing over each other’s bodies, as if gripping to the newfound love, and reaffirmed relationship they had, and were going to continue having. Eventually, they cleaned themselves up with the tissues on the coffee table. After, they fell asleep on the sofa, Tony pressing his face into Jack’s shoulder, arm wrapped tightly around his waist. 

Their sleep was peaceful, free of nightmares, free of tension. The comfort of each other’s bodies was simply enough to lull them into sleep and keep them there. Unrelenting anxiety be damned. As habit would have it, the two of them stirred in the early hours of the morning. Their lips met hungrily, their moans soft. As their hands manoeuvred more confidently to now slightly more familiar places, the warmth growing between them served as an assurance that this love was not fleeting or conditional. 

No. This love would stay.

And Jack did everything in his power to make sure Tony knew that too. He knew how stressed Tony constantly was, whether it be about him, Lucas, money, or work, and he knew how little Tony did to manage it. Tony was the type of person to put himself last if it meant the ones he loved were safe and happy. The first year after Lucas was born was incredibly stressful as it was, but it had honoured Jack so much, made him feel so loved, seeing Tony still take the time out to look out for him during his rehab and recovery. There’d been relapses, moments when Jack had felt his weakest and most shameful, and Tony had been there every time. He’d helped to keep it under wraps when they were at work, since he’d understood that Jack’s pride was somewhat important to him, that he had enough demons plaguing his mind, he didn’t need stigmatisation from anybody else on top of that. In any case, Tony never prioritised his own needs and desires, often until it was too late. He could see that with each day, the bags under his eyes grew heavier, grey hairs crept in, eating habits would wax and wane. So Jack knew that right now, Tony needed to feel appreciated, and to feel loved, just as he had.

His mom had apparently taken Lucas for the night, so it was just the two of them. Tentatively, Tony opened the master bathroom door, having heard Jack call him in. The mirror was fogged with steam. He caught a whiff of some kind of candle. It was dimly lit, and to Tony’s surprise, as he hadn’t seen it in what seemed like a lifetime, the bath was full of soap. Jack sat on the edge with a towel around his waist.

He furrowed his brow. “What’s all this for?”

Jack smirked, standing and walking towards him. He placed his hands on Tony’s shoulders, warm and slightly damp. “I want to do something for you, since you’ve done so much for me.”

Again, Tony looked confused. “You’re raising my son with me, in what world have I done anything that’s even come close to that?” 

Smiling, he shook his head, looking into Tony’s eyes. He spoke with a sliver of pride. “I’m two years sober today.”

“Two…? Oh my god, I had no idea, sorry I didn’t do anything.” His gaze trailed down to Jack’s arms, looking at the faded track marks there. Not that he didn’t take him at his word of course, it was simply still instinctive for him to check.

Jack shook his head again. “You are the reason I ever got out of that cycle, you are the reason I have my life back. So let me do this, please.” He sighed. “For one night, let me take care of you.”

He kissed him lightly, stripping down and sitting in the warm bath. Tony let out a soft breath, feeling his muscles slowly ease, the tension in his neck soften. His eyelids felt heavy. Shutting them for a moment, he listened to the water move as Jack sat in, opposite him. The warmth was already making him sleepy. Considering how often he spent slumped in a chair, either at his desk, or at home, as well as being put through the wringer in the field on a regular basis, Tony began to realise just how much he needed this. For one night, he could just relax. Of course there were still concerns at the back of his mind, but they weren’t nearly as urgent or prominent as they usually were.

“Comfortable?” Jack’s voice emerged through the soundscape otherwise occupied by their gentle, deep breaths.

Tony hummed in approval, too tired to form words. Jack watched him make circles with his neck, his hand trailing up to rub that spot between his shoulders that nobody could ever seem to get to properly.

“Turn around and come here. Let me get that for you.”

Obliging, Tony pivoted, trying not to displace all the water in the tub, positioning himself between Jack’s legs. Tipping his head forward, he felt Jack’s calloused hands rub his shoulders. The pressure and accuracy of the motions immediately made him let out a breath. Slowly, Jack worked his way downwards, pressing harder and harder, feeling the knots and tightness in Tony’s back ease. He used Tony’s deepening groans and mumbles as a guide, a thin layer of sweat breaking out on both of them.

And not just because of the temperature of the bath.

Before Jack could punctuate the silence with a witty, yet sexy remark about forming a connection between the noises he was making now compared to the one he makes in bed, Tony grabbed Jack’s hands with his own. Turning around, now completely uncaring of the water’s movement, he kissed Jack fully on the lips, grabbing the back of his head. 

Still keeping his hands where they were, Jack began to pepper kisses along his neck, holding just that bit longer at the spot of his bullet scar. The one that had nearly taken his life the same day it had taken Michelle’s. Tony tilted his neck to the side, one of his hands reaching back to join Jack’s. He felt Jack’s hot breath trail along his jaw. His breath hitched slightly, as Jack swapped the gentle kisses for more urgent biting. He dragged the heel of his palm down Tony’s spine, pushing through the tenderness there, while his other hand dipped between his legs to stroke Tony slowly.

Now his moans were louder, more desperate. His entire body shivered with Jack’s touch. 

“Get up and sit on the edge, so I can finish you off properly.” Jack murmured in his ear.

Obliging, Tony sat on the edge and without so much as a warning, Jack began to suck him off, planting his hands on either side of him to steady himself. Tony’s hand reached down, curling in his short hair. Jack’s tongue swirled over his tip before leaning down to take him in deeper as much as he could. Jack continued to bring him closer and closer to the edge, but would draw back just at the last second, taking him by surprise by kissing the insides of his thighs before returning. Judging by Tony’s grip tightening, he could tell it was driving him crazy. Eventually he came with a convulsing sigh, Jack feeling the full-body vibrations through the hand he had rested on Tony’s hip.

Placing a finger under Jack’s chin, Tony pulled him up for a searing kiss, tasting himself on Jack’s lips. “My turn…” He whispered huskily.

Two Years Later

“Jack, could you come here a sec?” Chloe called across the bullpen.

“Sure.” 

“I was archiving some files from the Cordilla virus outbreak since it’s been five years and all.” She continued to stare intently at the computer, before turning to face him, mid-way through her ramble. “I-I happened to be looking through Michelle’s file, I wasn’t trying to snoop or anything but-”

“Chloe, what is it?” He knew whatever she was getting at was important, but he also knew she could also take less time getting there.

She sighed with a huff. “There’s two versions of her test results. One saying she was negative, another saying she was positive.”

His brow furrowed. “Are you sure it’s not just the amniocentesis for the baby?”

“No. That was separate.” She affirmed, before turning back to the computer. “And it’s not just that. The only difference is the one line at the top. The rest of it is consistent with a negative test result. I compared it to some of the other agents, they’re completely different. I mean I’m no doctor but it looks like whoever updated this file just changed the top line so at a glance it would be negative.”

Why would somebody do that? If someone was working from the inside, surely they’d tell a positive-tested agent that they weren’t infected so they could spread it. The intent here didn’t appear to be malicious. Unless of course there was a reason to convince the world someone had died. In this case, ‘someone’ being Michelle.

“Who was in charge of testing?”

Chloe checked the file’s surrounding information. “Dr Sunny Macer.”

Going back to his office, avoiding Tony along the way, Jack looked through the law enforcement directory. She was still working at NHS, now in a senior role. 

Knowing there was no active mission right now, he simply grabbed his bag and left.

—

In the car, he continued to mull over the possibilities of what had truly transpired. The virus was a perfect opportunity for someone to kill Michelle. So for that somebody to find out she was immune would have foiled that plan. However, Michelle’s desire to end her life with the cyanide was another well-timed opportunity. Falsely positive test results would have lead her to believe she had a reason to end her life in the first place. There was a high likelihood somebody had simply falsified, or forced Dr Macer to falsify the results so Michelle, a high-ranking agent with the potential to help prevent any further attacks, would no longer be an obstacle in their plan.

But all the corpses at the hotel were cremated together, regardless of cause of death. There was no ascertaining whether Michelle’s body had truly been part of that. There was also the possibility that her death was faked for a much more sinister purpose. A pill could have been swapped and she could have been taken. That was the other thing. Most high-ranking agents weren’t usually just killed without their last bouts of usefulness being extracted. They could have taken her somewhere and tortured her for information. Maybe she’d been taken to a black-site and died there? Maybe they were still torturing her? If that were the case, what could Michelle have that was special compared to other agents? She had top security clearance, and was involved in the exposure of the Cyprus recording’s lack of authenticity, something that had certainly angered a lot of wealthy CEOs in the oil industry. It would make sense if she had a few enemies lurking, desperate for vengeance. Or was Jack overcomplicating? Had they maybe just taken the first immune agent they could get their hands on? 

In any case, while the chances weren’t great, there was a chance that Michelle was alive.

And right now, Dr Macer was the only person who could confirm it.

He barged into her office. The anger fuelling within him had lessened his already scarce patience. If she was well and truly alive, then every second was precious. She looked at him, bewildered, as he shut the door, giving her an icy stare.

“Michelle was never sick, was she?”

“Excuse me?” She jerked defensively, but Jack could see the fear in her eyes.

He didn’t break any eye contact. “Dessler. Michelle Dessler who you told was infected with the Cordilla virus?” Sunny looked away. “The one who’s premature baby you helped deliver five years ago?” He knew that she knew more than she was letting on. And Jack intended to use every weapon at his disposal to prove it. “Answer me!” He walked closer to her desk.

“Y-yes. It’s true.” Sunny replied, pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. “She wasn’t infected, the report was a lie.” 

The fury began to rise, as did his voice. Fury not just for him, but for Tony, feeling as though he were channelling his grief, his pain, and now his feeling of betrayal. “Why? If she was going to make it out of there alive, why the hell would you force her to deliver a baby at not even seven months?”

“I-I was trying to save him.” Sunny looked down into her lap, almost ashamed. 

Jack wouldn’t have it. “Save him? Do you have any idea what that child has been through these last five years? What his father has been through?” 

Her head shook fervidly. “N-no! It wasn’t like that. I had to get to him before they got to her.”

“Who’s ‘they’?” She opened her mouth but hesitated. “WHO’S ‘THEY’?”

“I-I’m sorry!” Tears welled in her eyes. “T-they told me they’d kill my brother. Showed me that they had a sniper on him and everything. I was terrified, Jack, he’s only in college. They told me to do it and never tell a soul, I-I had to do it, I’m sorry.”

“What did they make you do?” His voice had softened.

Sunny sniffed. “Told me to change the form, and swap her cyanide pill for a sleeping pill, so they could take her.”

“Take her alive you mean?”

“Y-yes. She was alive. I faked the autopsy too.”

Anxiety and shock took over. “Where, Sunny?” He slammed his hand on the desk. “WHERE IS SHE?”

“I-I don’t know. All I can tell you is when they took her.” She wiped under her eyes. “They kept their word, they didn’t touch Zac, but you have to understand, Jack, I-I had to take the chance. It’s been eating at me for the last five years, but honestly, making her deliver that baby then and there was the only thing I could do for her..”

His eyes fixated on a small ornament of a bird on Sunny’s desk. Over the years, every now and then a generous lump sum payment towards the hospital bills would come through, under the name White Dove. He’d assumed it was some kind of local children’s charity, but it had always bugged him a little. Not that it was a bad thing. It just seemed mysterious somehow. But noticing the object on the desk now, everything came together in his mind.

“White dove…” He whispered. “It was you? All these years…you were the one who helped to pay for the bills?”

She tipped her head in acknowledgement. “Y-yes. I know how expensive those things can get, I thought it would help. But if there’s something I can do now so you can find Michelle, tell me, please.”

He pinched the bridge of his nose. “I’ll need an approximate timeline, anything you can remember about the person who threatened you, and permission to access any other archived records from that day.”

“W-what about my brother? What if they come after him again?”

Jack knew that if it wasn’t for that, she wouldn’t have complied. Sunny hadn’t gotten where she had in her career without having a little assertion. He sympathised of course, after all, he knew full-well the things one could be driven to do if their family’s life was on the line. “We’ll send agents over to protect him, and we’ll keep you in the loop.”

She nodded her appreciation as he turned to leave, already halfway through pulling his phone out to call Chloe.

“Wait…” Sunny opened her desk drawer. “Tony’ll want this. I took it from Michelle when she had the baby, I never could face him and give it back. ”

Passing him the white-gold wedding ring, he smiled softly. 

“Jack, I’m so sorry.” Sunny said.

He pressed his lips into a thin line. “I just hope we’re not too late.”

Tony was livid when Jack sat him down in the boardroom and told him. Understandably. His life was tumultuous and chaotic enough as it was, this was a bombshell he certainly wasn’t expecting to hear. Of course the emotions were so mixed. There was new, almost unfamiliar hope. Hope that she was possibly alive. There was also much more familiar despair. Despair that she possibly, and most probably wasn’t. There was confusion too. Confusion as to how the logistics of her still being alive would work. Would she be okay? Would she remember things? Was she even lucid or stable? What had they done to her?

“I’m coming with you.” He rose from the chair, as Jack fastened his vest. 

Chloe had searched through archive satellite and traffic cam footage to follow the path the van carrying Michelle had taken. There had been a small dirt road in a blind-spot leading into a large forest. Further analysis had shown a large black-site amongst the naturally occurring low levels of electromagnetic radiation. There was no doubt about it. It was a property specifically concealed to prevent any kind of tracking or obtainment of communicative signals. And on top of that, they’d seen the same grey sedan enter and exit that blind-spot passage every day for the last five years. Not only was this where they’d likely taken her, but also where she could still be.

“Like hell you are.” Jack shot him a glare.

“Jack…” Tony replied in a warning tone.

Chloe bit her lip awkwardly, picking up her laptop and leaving, muttering something about sending Jack the schematics from her desk. The door shut audibly.

“First of all, Lucas has already lost one parent, he can’t lose an-“

“What? So you can put your life on the line, but I can’t? You’re his father too. He shouldn’t lose you either.”

Jack fell quiet, hearing the genuine heartfelt tones in Tony’s voice.

“You think I don’t care about you? That I’ve been stringing you alone as Michelle’s replacement?” His voice escalated, before softening. Tony’s deep eyes stared into Jack’s. “Damn it, I love you too, Jack. You’ve raised this child with me for the last five years, I’m not just going to throw that away.”

“It’s because I love you both so much that I’m doing this.” Jack replied fiercely. “Aside from that, if she’s alive, she needs to be rescued by someone she recognises or trusts. Which means you or me.” He sighed before speaking sadly. “But you do realise that there’s no guarantee we’re going to find her alive, right?”

“Of course I know that.” Tony shrugged, looking down at the floor. “You know what the hardest thing has been all these years? It’s not just the fact that I lost her. It’s…it’s the fact that I never really said goodbye, Jack. And I-I don’t have the energy to sit there and hope for a good outcome. Whether she’s alive or not doesn’t matter anymore. I mean if she is that’s…that would be incredible. But I know she probably isn’t, and if that’s the case…I-I just need to say goodbye to her.”

Jack looked into his glassy eyes, and realised he was telling the truth. He really never had any closure. Burying an empty casket, listening to her voice but never seeing her face. It really didn’t matter to him anymore. “You can come with us in the van.” He conceded. “But you’re not going in there.”

Tony nodded. “Fine.”

Every second along the ride to the compound escalated the tension, the anxiety, the unknown within. Jack was mostly occupied running over field plans one final time with Curtis and the others. There was one objective. Find Michelle Dessler. If she wasn’t here, there would be a clue, evidence of some kind as to where she was, and they would simply follow the trail until they found her. Tony watched from afar, not saying much, fiddling with a thread on his sleeve.

The other agents had filed out, leaving just him and Jack in the car. That’s when it hit Tony that this was potentially the moment that could change everything.

Without thinking or caring, he grabbed Jack by the hand, pulling him closer. Tony cupped his face and kissed him. Jack wrapped a hand around his neck to kiss him back just as intensely, feeling Tony’s body shudder against him.

“Just…be careful, alright?”

Jack thumbed at his cheek, cracking a half-smile, before nodding. “We’re going to find her. I promise you.”

—

He wiped his brow, breathing heavily from the aftermath of the combat. Jack now fully directed his attention to finding Michelle, as Curtis fought off the remaining hostiles. He’d searched nearly every room of the small house, old and dilapidated. As he moved further away, towards the end of the hall on the opposite side to where Curtis was, there’d been less and less noise. It sent a chill down Jack’s spine, as deep down his subconscious nagged, telling him that his chances were shrinking by the second.

“We’ve taken out all the hostiles now. Any luck?” Curtis’ voice sounded through the earpiece. 

Suddenly, Jack heard a light, metallic sound.

Whipping around, he found the source of the noise.

“I-I think I’ve found her.” 

Jack walked into a dim, carpeted, barely-furnished room. To his relief, but also his concern,  Michelle was sat in the corner, wearing nothing but an undershirt and torn hospital scrub pants. Her feet were bare. Scars, dried blood, and bruises covered her sallow skin. One wound was still bleeding, a trickle of blood trailing from her temple. On that side, she also had a black eye. Handcuffs restrained her wrists, uncomfortably tight above her head. As he moved closer, he could see the sharpness of her protruding bones, how dead and frazzled her hair looked. Her eyes were half-shut, as though she were barely conscious.

“Michelle? Michelle, is that you?”

He walked closer, feeling relief flood through him, as he found his hope was true. “She’s alive, Curtis.”

Curtis’ sigh was drowned out by the strangled, relieved sound Michelle made as Jack ran over, her eyes opening in a flurry of confusion. 

“Michelle?” Jack reached out towards her. Immediately, she jerked back, a small cry escaping her. She was terrified, that much was clear. The physical marks were a testament to how much she’d endured, to how she’d been treated. But judging by how she was looking at him, he realised there was more to it than that. 

She didn’t recognise him.

Jack’s heart sunk. He looked her in the eyes, so scared, so bleak, softening his voice. “Michelle, it’s Jack. Jack Bauer? We used to work together at CTU. I-I’m not going to hurt you, don’t be scared, please.”

Her head swung from side to side slowly. Michelle’s voice came out gravelly and bitter. “Couldn’t have just left me for dead? They had to drug me too?” He’d never heard her speak so meanly.

A crease formed in his brow. 

“I-I know who you are, Jack. But you’re not real. You can’t be.” Her voice was hoarse. “The bastards must have slipped me something before they left, I’m probably already half-dead. Either that or now I’m really going insane…”

“You’re not crazy, Michelle. It’s me, it really is.” He pleaded, still not raising his voice. “I’m here to get you out of here and take you home, I need you to let me undo those cuffs.”  Her expression didn’t change, a slight jingle being heard as she jolted back, the cuffs rattling against the wall. Jack realised the only way to get Michelle to trust him was to prove to her that he was more than just an amalgamation of her memories. His eyes were still scanning her half-bare body for more pressing injuries. They stopped at the distinctly less inflamed surgical scars across her abdomen. He remembered. She’d had a C-section at the hotel. That had been the last time she’d seen her son. “You want proof? I-I can tell you that your son is alive. Your son, Lucas Joseph Dessler-Almeida is alive. He’s four years old. And honest to god, he’s one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.” 

The panicked rise and fall of her chest halted when he said her son’s name. Reaching into his back pocket, Jack retrieved his wallet. Carefully, he removed a faded picture, smoothing out a slight crease in the top corner. It was a photo of Tony holding a two-year old Lucas. His hair had taken a while to come in given the delays and weaknesses in his immune system, but this photo captured the first time Tony had truly felt his son looked as healthy as he should have. Jack remembered taking the picture like it was yesterday. He remembered blinking back tears seeing the pride in Tony’s eyes.

He held it out to her, again making his movements slow and predictable. She sucked in a breath, mouth falling agape. And for the first time since he’d walked into that room, Michelle looked him in the eyes. Really looked him in the eyes.

And then she knew.

“Oh my god, it is you.” She exhaled, her voice wobbling.

“It’s going to be okay now. Everything’s going to be okay. You’re safe, and you’re coming home.” Jack tentatively rested his hand on her shoulder. He fought back the tears that were coming, as he leant down to undo her handcuffs and embrace her. She winced. Obviously he’d nudged a bruise. Or ten. “My God, you’re freezing.” He almost recoiled at the temperature difference between them. Jack’s was sweaty and boiling with adrenaline-fuelled heat. Michelle was ice-cold to the touch. After all, it was the middle of a freezing winter’s night, and she was topless. Instinctively, he took his CTU jacket off and wrapped it around her. 

“You’ve been here the whole time, haven’t you?” His gaze met hers as she tipped her head, confirming his suspicion. “God, how could we not have known…” He whispered. 

“I-I tried not to tell them anything, I tried to get out of it, they took away the weapons, I tried, I tried.” She repeated woefully, wearily. “But they wouldn’t stop…” Relieved and overwhelmed sobs began to rack her body. “I-I’m so sorry!”

“It’s okay, Michelle, it’s okay…”

She grabbed onto the back of his neck, her fingernails pressing in tightly, yet her grip was so weak. Michelle shook in his arms, crying almost hysterically. “D-don’t leave me here, please. Don’t let them hurt me again. Jack, please.” He could feel her shaking, even through the thickness of the jacket. Her breaths were hiccupy, desperately trying to stabilise.

“Shh…we won’t…we won’t…it’s over now…” It was breaking his heart to listen to the terror in her voice. He was surprised she was still somewhat lucid, that his strategy to find her had worked, after all this time, after all this pain. But she was alive.

A crackled voice came over the comm. “Shit, Jack. No wonder they were all near the entrance. The place is rigged with C-4, we’ve got about four minutes to get out of here.”

“Have they left anything behind?”

“A couple of computers, but that’s it. CTU’s tracking them, we’ll send the other team out.” 

“Copy that.” He replied. “Michelle, we need to get out of here, now.”

Fervently, she shook her head, moving her left foot forward. There was a hard, plastic anklet attached. Jack furrowed his brow.

“Everything I’ve told them is in a database linked to this device. If I leave the property with it on, if it’s damaged or removed, that database gets publicly released. It’s the only thing that’s kept me here.” Her voice was laced with disgust, ashamed at herself. “It’s bad enough that they know. I’m not leaving with it on.”

Immediately, he got his phone out, gingerly inspecting the device, knowing she would never forgive him, or herself, if that information got out.

“Chloe, I’m sending you a photo of a device wirelessly linked to a database, and I need you to tell me if you can disable the link.”

Her eyes widened when she saw the photo. “Does this mean that Michelle’s-?”

“Yes. But we’re running out of time, they’ve set the place to blow. Can you disable that model remotely?”

She frowned. “No…but I can jam the signal temporarily. It works by a temperature sensor, so if you remove it from her ankle and burn it, it shouldn’t notice any difference. And by the time it does, the C-4 will have taken care of it.”

Michelle nodded at Jack.

“Okay, how long have I got?”

“Thirty seconds. I’m sorry that’s all I can do.”

He watched the indicator light on the anklet fade, and immediately got to work with his pocket knife. It was no use. 

“This is going to hurt, I’m sorry.” 

Before she could even ask, he held the lighter up to the plastic, watching it melt. She howled in pain as the hot plastic burned her skin. Peeling it off, feeling slightly nauseous at the red, raw skin left behind, Jack allowed the flame to consume the device. He tossed it aside, and helped her up, knowing by his estimation they were barely going to have enough time to leave the house, let alone get far away enough from there when the bomb detonated.

She cried with every limp, Jack eventually resorting to carrying her shaking small frame in his arms out of the house. Michelle clung to him as if he were a mirage that could disappear at any moment. The van was too far away. As gently as he could, he lowered her to the grass, and covered her body with his, shielding her from the blast. His ears rung as the explosion occurred. He could smell the stench of his burning clothes, their unbearable warmth transferring to his skin. Not wanting to wait for the embers to spread, Jack took no time in getting her up again as they ran over to the van. Her eyes were closing. She was losing consciousness fast, her pulse weakening.

The doors to the van opened with a slam, the blazing inferno casting an orange glow on Jack and whoever he was carrying, breaking Tony out of his spiralling thoughts and uncertainty. He couldn’t figure it out at first, they looked so frail, so, so small in his arms. Truth be told, Tony didn’t know much of what had happened in there. All the comm signal had done was create extra confusion and anxiety at the sound of gunshots, wondering with each one whether Jack was in the line of fire. Rushing into the back, the van took off at lightning speed as the fire neared. Tony gasped when Jack placed the figure between them. It was her, he realised. Michelle’s body weight slumped against him, head dropping to one side in his lap . He was in utter disbelief. One, that she was alive. Well and truly alive as Jack as said. Two, at the state she was in. Battered, bruised, a shell of her former self. Running a hand through her hair, it struggled through the knots, as he pivoted her face towards his. Babbling her name frantically, she seemed to recognise him in her half-conscious state. With her last ounce of strength, she tried to reach out to him, letting out a tiny whimper. 

“Jesus, baby, what’d they do to you?” His voice came out broken, as he began to cry, holding her tightly in his arms. She squirmed as her bruises were pressured again, before nearly passing out. He tapped lightly at her face to make sure she didn’t. “Hey…hey…I need you to stay with me, sweetheart. Keep your eyes open.”

A pained cry was her only response, gasping as she grabbed at him desperately.

“Chloe, tell the doctors to get a room ready for Michelle, she’s in pretty bad shape.” He spoke into the comm, discomfort evident in his voice.

“What happened, Jack?” Tony whispered. “What did they do to her?” His gaze was drawn to a bleeding scrape on Jack’s face, presumably from a piece of shrapnel on the ground.

He sighed. “They’ve been torturing her for information the whole time. Most of them had gone by the time we got there, but the other agents are on their tail, we’ve got LAPD on it as well. We’ll get them.”

Tony squeezed his eyes shut. All this time she’d been alive, constantly in agony, probably thinking she’d never be rescued. He leaned down to kiss her head, lightly tracing his finger along the large, still bleeding, cut from her temple, eyes still flitting up to Jack.

It broke Jack’s heart to watch them on the way, Tony listlessly stroking her and muttering pained assurances, desperately trying to keep her roused. The other agents in the van felt similarly, a sombre silence having fallen between them, gazing at the woman who seemed so distant from the coworker they once knew. Michelle wasn’t entirely awake or aware for most of it, but she was gripping him tight enough to leave tiny finger-shaped bruises everywhere, lips moving but no sound escaping. He’d sat her up in his lap, burying his face in the crook of her neck, rocking her back and forth slowly. The glimpses of her body Tony had seen had already made him feel queasy. Part of Tony wanted to lay her down gently, put a band-aid on every cut, kiss every bruise better, do everything he could to heal her. But somehow, despite having known her body so intimately, at this moment it felt wrong. It felt almost violating. He’d seen other agents rescued from torture before. It didn’t matter whether it’d been for a few hours, a few days, or a few months. They’d all ended up needing extensive therapy, simply to readjust, to understand and process what they’d been through. But in Michelle’s case, it had been almost five years. There was no way he could just expect an equal level of trust and intimacy as he had before.

“H-how many years have I visited her grave, Jack? H-how many anniversaries…” He gulped.  “How…how could we have let this happen? H-how could we not have known earlier?” 

“I don’t know…” Jack whispered back. 

Jack noticed how heavily Michelle’s head was still bleeding, and that the pressure of Tony’s hand wasn’t doing enough. He grabbed a towel and used a water bottle to dampen it. Passing it to Tony, he nodded his thanks as he used it to staunch the bleeding. She was that exhausted she could barely keep her own neck supported. Her head had lolled to one side, revealing what looked like choke marks. Tony used one hand to press the towel into her head, noting with relief that it was certainly slowing down the blood flow, and that the coldness of the water was keeping her awake. He used his other palm as a wedge between her cheek and shoulder. She blinked wearily at him.

“Nearly there, okay? Just keep looking at me. Everything’s going to be okay.” He was trying to be strong for her, but Jack could still hear his voice unsteady, completely and wholly overwhelmed by everything that was going on, knowing that they weren’t exactly out of the woods yet until her injuries were checked. Jack moved his hand to rest it on Tony’s knee, silently communicating that he was still there. Noting that his own face was still bleeding, Jack grabbed another towel with his free hand, hissing at the friction of the fabric against raw skin.

When they got back to CTU, the true effects of her capture started to become clearer. Aside from the physical marks all over her body, she seemed jittery, distrustful of nearly everybody there, except for those she recognised. The adrenaline rush had seemed to force her out of her half-conscious state. Tony had tried to reassure her that the doctors weren’t trying to kill her as they tried to run tests, check for infections, give her pain relievers, but to no avail. And the doctors could tell it was going to be necessary to look at more. They wanted to put her under the knife and check for any internal damage. 

At this point she’d managed to limp her way into a dark, empty holding room. Tony managed to slip in before she could lock the door behind her. She was shaking, nestling into the corner, hugging her knees to her chest. 

“D-don’t let them touch me. D-don’t let them hurt me, please.” She pleaded, quietly, still visibly trembling.

He pressed his lips together, slowly sitting down before her, cross-legged.

“Sweetheart, you’re hurt, they need to check you out.” He spoke softly.

“I-I’m scared.” The eye that was bruised and swollen flickered open and shut rapidly, much the way he was sure her pulse was.

“I know…” Slowly, he tucked a hair behind her ear, making sure she wasn’t startled by the brush of his hand against her cheek. “All they want to do is put you to sleep for a little while so they can make sure you’re okay.”

“N-no.” She shook her head, lips curled into a frown. “Y-you can’t let them.” There was a manic look in her eyes, as she spoke roughly. “Th-they’re screwing with you. Th-they’re…they’re going to take me away again. They’re going to take me to the people that hurt me. Y-you can’t trust them, Tony.”

It made sense now why she was so scared. After all, her last experience with doctors had just been a huge ruse. She probably still hadn’t fully convinced herself that she’d been rescued. Probably thought that she was dreaming or delusional, that she couldn’t possibly be with her husband right now. So much had happened in a matter of hours. Could anybody blame her for being afraid and confused?

Her face screwed up in pain, tears streaming down her face. The edge and defensiveness in her tone had dissipated into sheer fear so, so quickly. “T-they’re going to hurt me!” She cried, throwing her arms around him. “P-please, I-I’m so scared. I-I’m begging you, d-don’t let them do this to me.” Michelle sobbed into his arms, much the way she’d done to Jack before. Tony tried his best to hush her, tentatively running his hand across her trembling back and caressing her cheek, but found himself crying too. Hell, he didn’t want to leave her. All he wanted to do was hold her until she felt okay. All he wanted to do was communicate to her in every way possible that she was safe, that they were together again, that everything was going to be okay.

But all of that desire to simply do nothing and let be dissipated when her breath hitched suddenly. With one hand, she clutched her chest, breathing in short puffs. 

Tony’s own heart started to race now. She needed to be checked out, now.

“Michelle, please, I’m only going to ask you one more time.” He held out his hand to her, trying to speak as steadily as he could. “Let me take you back in with the doctors. I promise you I won’t leave, me and Jack will be watching you the whole time. Sweetheart, I need you to trust me on this. Please.”

She drew back, hugging the oversized jacket tighter around her, continuing to squeeze her eyes shut and cry. Michelle mumbled something again, sounding even more paranoid and afraid than before.

He bit the inside of his lip. “I’m sorry, sweetheart.”

In one swift motion, he scooped up her small frame from underneath. She screamed so loud his ears rang. Quickly he ran with her back to the medical ward, feeling his skin break as she scratched at him, trying to escape his grip. The surgeons quickly wheeled out a gurney, as Tony tried to lower her. 

“No! Stop! Don’t go! You can’t let them do this, you can’t let them, they’re going to kill me! Tony, no! Please! Don’t leave me!”

The way she was currently flailing on the bed, almost convulsively, as she shrieked, they weren’t even going to be able to administer the anaesthetic. As they successfully placed a few electrodes, he could see her heart rate had skyrocketed, and Tony had seen enough ECGs in the last five years to know it was arrhythmic and unstable as he’d suspected earlier. He grabbed one of her hands, pushing a nurse aside.

“Michelle? Sweetheart, look at me.” 

He tightened the grip on her hand, repeating the phrase more firmly, again and again, until she gave him eye contact. Tony locked his gaze onto hers. “You’re safe. You’re with me. You’re safe. Keep looking at me…” 

With his assurance, taking advantage of the split second of distraction, Tony watched as the doctor slid the needle into her arm. She was still twitching, fighting the drug with every ounce of energy she had left.

Tony hushed and muttered to her tenderly, his face close to hers, making sure he was all she could see, that nobody else could instill any further fear into her. It was the kind of tenderness Jack only saw Tony express towards Lucas, or him. It was the gentle nature of his voice that struck a pang into Jack’s heart, knowing that it was how he’d helped Jack with his withdrawals and breakdowns. That voice had meant the difference between staying sober or succumbing to his addiction. Tony kissed Michelle’s forehead watching her eyes flutter shut. As she passed out, her body relaxed into the gurney. He pushed a strand of hair from her face before they wheeled her away into the operating room, leaving him alone with Jack. 

“Good luck, Michelle…” He whispered, hating himself for having to have gone that far, hating that he was partially to blame for the sounds and cries she’d elicited. Hearing her scream his name so genuinely terrified like that was going to haunt him for the rest of his life.  He never wanted to give her any reason not to trust him. He never wanted to hear her that afraid again.

Turning to a nearby bin, he keeled, emptying the contents of his stomach. Jack placed his hand between his shoulder blades, rubbing small circles. It wasn’t an easy sight, combined with all the shock of her being alive, to see her so vulnerable, so pained, so traumatised, was a lot for him to handle. Jack realised that he too would never be capable of erasing the conversation he’d had with Michelle when he’d found her. The fact that she had forgotten so much, that she had been there so long, it didn’t even seem possible for her to believe he was real. They’d caged her physically, yes, but mentally too. 

And that wasn’t going to be the kind of thing that went away with a few pills or procedures.

After taking the glass of water Jack offered, slowly, Tony paced over to the glass door that let him into the surgery room. Jack watched him stare, almost dissociatively, much the way he’d done for his son all these years. Gently, he placed his hand on Tony’s shoulder, who jolted in response. 

Tears were brimming Tony’s eyes. “She’s terrified, Jack. I-I’ve never seen her that scared before.” He spoke barely above a whisper. “I-I’ve never seen her scared of me. She…she thought I was going to hurt her, and I told her it would be okay, and then I…” He sighed.

“She’ll understand. You did the right thing, she needed to go into surgery. If it were only a few minor injuries, I’m sure you could have managed but…” He slumped his shoulders, pressing his lips together before clearing his throat. “I know this is probably the last thing on your mind right now, but how do you want to tell her family? I feel like this isn’t the kind of thing to deliver over the phone, but on the other hand…I don’t know if bombarding her with family as soon as she wakes up is a good idea.”

“We’ll…” He started. “We’ll wait for her to wake up, see how she is, first. Later I’ll call her parents and Danny, ask them to meet me at the house, then I’ll try and tell them.” It already seemed easier said than done. They would have to desperately try to communicate how and why she was alive at a surface level, without expelling any confidential details. They would have to explain why they couldn’t come and see her just yet, that she didn’t just have a few scrapes and broken bones. For a while they continued to discuss how they would go about doing it, Tony’s eyes constantly darting back to the glass pane, not that he could see much amongst the crowd of doctors. Eventually, they found themselves sitting in silence on the two chairs closest to the operating room.

“What about Lucas? How in the world are we supposed to explain to him that his mother is alive after telling him his whole life that she was dead?”

Before Jack could respond, Dr. Besson had stuck his head out into the hall. They’d sat listening to each other breathe for longer than they realised.

“We’re just finishing up, she’s still unconscious, but I can give you the test results.”

Tony grabbed Jack’s arm as he got up. “Jack, I…I don’t think I can do this. I-I need to hear it from her. She deserves to be the one to tell me in as much or as little detail as she wants, I shouldn’t have to find it out from some report.” His eyes were squeezed shut. Jack noticed that Tony looked pale, as though any more shock would make him sick again.

Jack placed his other hand over Tony’s, offering a weak smile. “I understand if it doesn’t feel right.”

He walked into the small office, sitting across from the doctor. The doctor’s breath was audible as he exhaled, understandably exhausted from surgery.

“She’s…” Dr. Besson sighed again. “She’s rather lucky, it seems. I’ve seen many victims of torture over the years. Admittedly, none who’ve been held as long as Michelle was, but there’s nothing here that’s particularly different from previous cases.” He flipped open the manilla file. “Most of the wounds were superficial, there’s some that are a little infected, so we’ve prescribed her antibiotics. That on top of some vitamins and supplements, obviously she’s incredibly malnourished. Drug test did come back clean though.”

The page opened to an x-ray. “Internally…some of her ribs were cracked, there was some heart arrhythmia, most likely as a side effect of a form of electroshock usage. So just to be on the safe side, we’ve put a pacemaker in.” Jack cracked a small smile, him and Tony often having joked about being self-professed experts in the field  of cardiology, given Lucas’ various surgeries and conditions.  “Other than that though, none of her other organs were damaged. Again, this is fairly common. Most terrorists know not to cause too much permanent damage with the aims of keeping their hostage alive.” 

Jack nodded, feeling slightly relieved. At least her physical condition was okay.

“Psychologically, however,” the doctor grimaced, “we’re already seeing symptoms of severe anxiety and post-traumatic stress disorder, again, not uncommon for people who’ve been in her position. But we also saw a lot of bruising and trauma in the vaginal area, some of which has started to heal. It indicates repeated sexual assault at an earlier stage. There was no semen, so although that’s bad from an evidence standpoint, it’s not as though we don’t have the probable perpetrators in a holding cell already anyway. Most likely, she was able to get herself cleaned up. That’s probably the reason why we didn’t see a lot of infection either.”

He cringed, biting the inside of his lip. 

“But I’ll give you and her husband referrals to some excellent therapists, she’ll be able to recover, there is hope.”

Meanwhile, Tony had made his way down the hall, watching as Curtis interrogated the apparent ringleader of the ‘operation’, Vincent Murphy. Technically, he hadn’t lied to Jack. Right after he’d gone in to talk to Dr. Besson, Tony had made a beeline to the bathroom to vomit again. That overwhelmingly nauseous shock had then faded into stark rage.

As it turns out, Murphy been an associate of Peter Kingsley’s, with various shared stocks and investments. After Tony, Michelle, and Jack had exposed the lies behind the recording, he’d lost everything. He’d escaped with a small crew, also being charged with similar counts of fraud and embezzlement. That hadn’t stopped him from seeking revenge, however. Murphy had kept tabs on all of them over the years, but he’d always been particularly fixated on Michelle, knowing that she would be the most likely to break. 

So when the opportunity had presented itself, he’d taken her.

Murphy did admit it was difficult at first. She’d tried to escape on numerous counts, tried to kill herself so she wouldn’t say anything else. They had underestimated her intelligence, but eventually she’d caved, just as they’d thought, using the anklet as their insurance.

And for five arduous years, he’d hurt her relentlessly, desperate for information, knowing that any form of secret would be worthwhile financially. But it was never enough. No matter how much he’d get out of her, it would never even come close to the greedy billions he would have earned from a world war. So the pain and hurt had continued, no longer being fussy about the information spilling from her mouth. No, at some point, Murphy’s goal had shifted and simplified. To make her suffer, to make her cry out in pain and beg for death, day in and day out. But she was a toy, a plaything to him. Murphy took pride in how much care he took in keeping Michelle alive. Even at the end, when they were sure they’d all be caught, he’d left her chained up, alive, on the off chance that both of them escaped, so he could find her, and begin the game again.

They were all going to prison, there was no doubt about that. Their previous crimes were sufficient, but adding in kidnapping, assault, and all they’d done in their attempted escape, the deal was sealed now. Knowing that, Tony was relieved. But he wasn’t satisfied. Somehow it wasn’t enough to just know they were going to prison. Murphy would be somewhere where he’d be fed and clothed and given water. Michelle sure as hell hadn’t been given that level of decency. She’d been deprived of so many basic needs, all by Murphy’s hand. Prison wasn’t sufficient because the damage he and Murphy had done was permanent. Michelle would heal, but she would never forget.

Seeing the man responsible sitting so comfortably only served to make Tony’s blood boil. 

Seeing the way he spoke about Michelle like some possession made him grip the table beside him so hard his knuckles turned white.

And he realised, he didn’t just want to see Murphy put away in a cell.

No, Tony wanted to make Murphy pay.

Jack turned to face Curtis, who’d called out to him, a sense of urgency in his voice. “Tony’s locked himself in there with Murphy. He’s disabled the cameras, and I don’t think he’s just ‘talking’ to him.”

“You let him?” He raised his eyebrows, incredulous.

“He pointed a gun at me, Jack, didn’t exactly get the chance to stop him.”

Biting his lip, they ran down the hall, back into the vestibule of the interrogation room, where Chloe was already sat, fervidly working at the computer. The monitors were blank, only faint yelling could be heard through the sound-proof door. 

“Chloe, I need to talk to him before he does something he’ll regret.”

“I’m trying…I’m trying…” She grumbled, before letting out a breath as the monitors turned on again, illuminating the dark room. The yelling suddenly magnified.

Jack tilted his head sympathetically. Tony’s back was turned to the camera, his hands dripping with blood, body heaving with emotion. From what he could see of Murphy, he wasn’t in great shape either. His nose was bleeding profusely, slightly contorted. Murphy’s hair was dishevelled, his shirt torn. There were large scratch marks around his neck. But Jack’s stomach churned to see that beneath it all, his smug smile was still evident. It was almost manic. This man had no hope of getting out of the situation, legally, his punishment was set in stone. But he’d spent every day of the last five years getting pleasure out of making an innocent person suffer. And right now, seeing Tony lose his mind in front of him, was only serving to fuel that hellish desire.

“You tore my family apart. You made her suffer, you made her feel pain. It is a miracle, my son is still alive, and for what? A few names, a few codes?”

Murphy sneered at him. “She was fun while it lasted.”

Tony punched him again, one of Murphy’s teeth clattering as it fell to the floor.

“Rot in Hell, you sick bastard.” He spat, raising the gun and pointing it at Murphy’s beat-up face.

“Tony, stop.” Jack’s voice came through crackled on the receiver.

The finger on the trigger hovered, twitching a little.

“Tony, stop, please.” 

“Stay out of this, Jack. You had your time with Nina, let me have mine with Murphy.”

Jack shook his head. “This isn’t you. You don’t need to do this. Michelle is here, she’s alive, and she’s okay. ”

“I don’t care, Jack. Prison isn’t enough. He deserves to suffer the way she has, tenfold. And the only way I’ll feel better is if I’m the one that does it.” His voice was rife with anger, but he still struggled to maintain his composure.

“Tony, right now, I’m more worried about your conviction. We’re already struggling to keep Michelle’s name out of the press and do damage control on any breaches. If you kill him, I can’t guarantee I’ll be able to get you out of it. Is this what you want? After finally getting your wife back, you want to throw it all away and get yourself locked up in prison?”

For a moment, the logical part of Tony’s brain began to take over. Jack was right, he admitted to himself begrudgingly. There could be huge ramifications if he did this. But the emotional, exhausted part of him was screaming louder, desperate to take over. “We’ll figure it out, Jack. Right now, I don’t care.”

He let out a frustrated sigh. Logic wasn’t going to work in this case, he realised. Couldn’t exactly blame him either.

“Tony, even if you do get away with this, there will come a day where you will have to face Michelle and your son, and tell them what you did. You will have to tell your son, who we’ve tried so hard to keep away from violence and pain, who we’ve tried so hard to teach about right and wrong, that you shot and killed a man in cold blood for revenge. Kim never looked at me the same after I killed Nina, I don’t want that for your relationship. Don’t destroy it the way I did.” 

Tony’s face twisted a little.

“Tony, Michelle is here, she’s safe, and I’m sure she’s going to want you by her side when she wakes up, just like you promised her. So please, for the love of god, put the gun down.” The last part out came out as a strained whisper.

Jack’s breath was audible as Tony came out, shaking. There was blood on his face and his fingers. The tears mixed in with the sweat on his face. The bags beneath his eyes were heavier and darker than he’d ever seen them. Gently, Jack took the gun away from his hand, flicking the safety back on. Walking him into the bathroom, Tony let Jack wash his face and his hands. He gently swiped at Tony’s cheek, pressing their foreheads together. Jack could still feel him tremble against him, when he pulled him in for a hug.

“You did the right thing…” He took in a deep breath, whispering in his ear. “You did the right thing, Tony. Let CTU and the law handle it, this isn’t your job.” Jack passed the wedding ring to him, having been kept secure in his pocket. Tony stared at it, memory returning to him slowly, looking down at his own hand to realise how long it’d been since he’d seen the ring’s matching partner. “Your job is to be a father and a husband.”

They walked back to the medical ward, Tony feeling Jack’s hand on his shoulder disappear as the door shut. Jack didn’t want to intrude on their proper reunion, it seemed. Tentatively, he sat in the chair next to her bed. Everything was still spinning, his chest still thundering. Needing to ground himself, reassure himself that she was here, and he was there by her side, that she wasn’t going to disappear, he held the ring up to the light, watching it shine. Tenderly, he lifted her wrist, and let the ring glide up her finger. Bending a little, he nuzzled her hand, feeling moisture settle onto it.

And for that next hour, he watched her. 

The same way he’d done for Lucas over the span of his life. He watched her breathe, still trying to convince himself that she was alive. That this thin, sallow, pained, and malnourished human being in the hospital bed was still living and breathing.

And that because of this, all of those long since abandoned hopes and dreams of having a family with her were slowly rising to the surface again. 

She woke up several hours later with Tony at her side, holding her IV-injected, now ring-bearing, hand in both of his. His eyes were still teary.

“Hey…”

Michelle tensed, trying to remember where she was, but eventually found him and smiled, sniffling a little. 

As she opened her mouth, she began to cough violently. Quickly, Tony grabbed the water and ice chips by her bed, holding it to her lips. Her sips were meagre and intentional. She took the cup from him, breathing audibly when she finished the glass.

“Better?” He asked, worried.

Michelle nodded slowly.

“I-I’m sorry about before, I…I couldn’t lose you to something like that, not after everything. Y-you had to get checked out.” He of course, was referring to losing her  to something heart-related, on account of worrying about constantly losing son in the same way, but she wouldn’t know that. That would have to get explained at some point. But not now. 

He sniffled again, letting out a relieved sob, raising her hand to kiss it again. “I-I just can’t believe that you’re here with me.” His voice cracked.

“I missed you.” She said weakly. “I missed you so much.”

“Me too, sweetheart, me too.” His eyes fell to the array of wires around her. “How are you feeling?” 

“T-tired. A little overwhelmed. Everything’s sort of surreal still. But I’m not in too much pain.” She spoke slowly, softly, most likely still in a sedated state. Her head craned around. “A-am I at CTU?”

He pressed his lips into a thin line, tipping his head in acknowledgement.

Michelle sucked in a sharp breath.

“D-did they get them?” Her voice was quivering. Tony felt a twinge at the sheer fear she was emanating. “Please tell me they’re not still out there. Tell me they can’t hurt me again, please, Tony, I’m s-so sc-.” 

“Y-yeah…CTU found them.” He tried to speak as evenly as possible, squeezing her hand to stop her ramble. “They’re in custody. Arrests are being made, it’s okay. It’s over. They can’t hurt you again.”

Suddenly, her eyes lit up, as though something had occurred to her.

“A-and…o-our son. Is he really alive? Did he make it to the hospital? Oh God, Tony, tell me he survived.” Her voice was thin, she gripped his wrist tightly. “Tell me that the only thing I’ve held on to the last five years is still here. Tell me what Jack said is true.”

The tears that had welled were streaming now. “Yeah…he did, Michelle. He’s okay.”

“Really? A-and my parents, my brother, y-your family?” 

“They’re all okay, sweetheart.”

Her brow furrowed. “D-do they know that I’m alive?”

He indicated otherwise with his head. “Not yet. We’ll figure that out, I didn’t want to overwhelm you with too many visitors.”

She let out a soft noise that seemed to indicate that she understood. “H-how did you find me?”

Tony smirked, letting out a chuckle of disbelief. “Chloe happened to be archiving some files, managed to figure out that your autopsy was faked by Dr. Macer, traced traffic cams and just crossed our fingers that you were still there.” His face then turned very serious and apologetic. “I’m so sorry it took this long. I-I can’t believe we had no idea.”

“Why did she do it? Who was she working for?” 

The agent in her still seemed to shine through above the layers of pain and vulnerability. It created a warmth in his chest, a reassurance that she was still the same person. “No one. Murphy blackmailed her. They threatened her brother’s life.”

Her expression grew sympathetic. “Are they okay?”

He nodded, almost taken aback by how understanding she could be considering what had happened as a result.

“Tell Chloe I said thank you.” She took in a breath. “And tell Dr. Macer I forgive her.”

“I will…” He met her gaze, promising her.

The skin around her eyes crinkled as she began to cry. It was understandable of course, the relief after how many years of not knowing anything about the wellbeing and safety of all the people she cared about. But she didn’t just seem relieved, she still seemed so sad, he couldn’t figure out why.

“Hey…hey…it’s okay.”

She shook her head. “I-it’s not just that. It’s the fact that…Lucas was the only reason I stayed alive all this time. T-that and the stupid anklet. You know the rule as well as I do, if you’re captured, you either stay silent or you find a way out. I-I’d planned on killing myself, I knew I wouldn’t be able to bear the pain for long. But there was this small part of me that wondered, that hoped, that if I was ever going to be rescued, then there was a chance I could see Lucas again. So I told them everything, I let them use me, I let them destroy me, because of that tiny hope. I-I can forgive myself at least a little now. Knowing that it was worth waiting it out.” Her face looked worried, suddenly. “Are they going to convict me? Because of what I told them? Because I stayed alive?”

A flush of anger rose in his complexion. To think that treason had even been mentioned when Jack apparently spoke to Hammond before had made him furious. “No. The, uh, photo of the anklet and our testimonies should be enough evidence to prove that you didn’t have a choice.” 

She still looked hesitant.

“There’s nothing to be ashamed of. They tortured you, sweetheart.”

“But I didn’t do the right thing. I didn’t do what I was supposed to do, what I was trained to do. But if it means I get to be with him now, then I’m just going to find a way to live with it.”

He hated how upset she was with herself, but he understood. Her work was important to her. Her sense of duty was important to her. More important to her than it was to him. And that was okay.

Doctors came in to check on her again, noting her pulse and blood pressure had normalised now. He let her fall back asleep, tenderly running his hand along her when she shook and mumbled.

Closing the door quietly, Jack came in.

“Hey, how you holding up?”

“O-okay, I think.” His eyes kept flitting back to Michelle, almost as if he thought she’d disappear if he took his eyes off her. “I-I just want her home, I don’t want to let her out of my sight. And Lucas needs to see her too and-”

“Tony, look at her.” He hissed. “For the last five years, she has known nothing but darkness and pain and fear. She needs time to remember that that’s not all there is in this world. She’s going to need help. I know you don’t want to keep them apart any longer, I know you want your family together again. But right now, she needs to adjust to being home with you. I-I don’t think she’ll be able to go straight into motherhood, Tony. And Lucas deserves to get to know Michelle at her best. He deserves to see his mom for the strong, brave person that she is.”

He opened his mouth to protest.

“I will take care of Lucas. I give you my word. Right now…you’ve got the love of your life back. Go be with her.”

Tony wanted to argue again, saying he could make both work, desperately wanting to implore that Jack was important too. 

But looking into Jack’s endearing eyes, he realised he was right. 

Michelle needed him, more than she’d ever needed him before.

The first night home from the hospital, Tony woke to a blood-curdling scream. Michelle was thrashing around, a glazed look in her eyes. There was a deep quality to them, not just screams of fear, but screams as though she were in severe pain. He’d thought she seemed fine before they went to bed, but now he felt as though that that level of optimism was too good to be true.

Although thinking about it now, the afternoon had taken a huge emotional toll on both of them. That in addition to the fact that she’d been heavily sedated for most of her time in hospital, hence why any evidence of nightmares hadn’t been particularly apparent.

Michelle silently padded through the empty house, which had obviously changed since the last time she was there. Tony followed her close behind, understanding that she needed to do this, needed to re-familiarise herself. He watched her focus on particular objects, pick up toys from the ground, and simply stand there holding them. She brushed her thumb over the various picture frames. For the most part, she was maintaining some sense of stoicism up until she reached Lucas’ bedroom. 

Tony then watched her hand shake as she looked around, before turning to him, tears welled in her eyes. Sinking to the floor in his hold, she wept in his arms for so many reasons. There was anger, there was pain and heartache for at all that she’d missed. But at the same time so much overwhelming happiness to see a testament to the fact that her son was alive. He’d been staying with Jack in the mean time, at her insistence that she couldn’t just throw herself into his life just yet, that they should plan and consider how they would tell him.

“C-can we look through some pictures?”

“Yeah…” He said softly.

It started as a seemingly nice, reminiscent activity. Her head was resting on his shoulder, their bodies close as she turned the pages. After noticing her brow crease in confusion, he then had to explain to her why so many were taken in hospital. She expected as much, knowing that the one mental image she’d held onto of him was when he was oh-so small and engulfed by tubes and wires. She remembered reading about the consequences of premature birth long before he’d been born, she wasn’t exactly surprised that he’d needed operations and the like. But at some point, it was too confronting for her to look at, and she cried again, burying her face in his shoulder. 

Taking Michelle into his lap, he held her for a long time, reassuring her that it wasn’t about the time she’d lost, it was about the time she would now have. 

“Michelle, it’s okay…it’s not real.” He attempted to reassure her now.

She seemed to back away from him in fear, rolling off the bed and huddling in the corner of the room. “Get away from me! Get off of me!” Michelle shrieked. As Tony tentatively drew nearer, he felt a sharp sensation across his face.

“Michelle, wake up!” Tony shouted fearfully.

He could hear her hyperventilating, watched her body tremble from top to bottom. The moonlight highlighted the faint bruises on her skin. Tears stung the back of his eyes. Not only from the physical pain growing in the centre of his face, but also the emotional pain that she was suffering inside her own mind, trying to escape back to reality, and he couldn’t do anything about it. He hated seeing her hurt. It sent chills down his spine knowing that she’d been in pain like this for five years on end. A wave of nausea washed over him as he listened closer to what she was saying, or screaming, rather. He didn’t need to see any medical reports or be told by Jack to know that his guess was likely true. They hadn’t just hurt her, physically. They’d violated her, degraded her, made her feel helpless and trapped.

“It’s okay…it’s okay…” Tony continued to mumble comforting words to her, resisting every urge within him to hold her in his arms. Clearly that wasn’t going to be enough. Or rather, that it would have the opposite effect of what was intended. “It’s just a dream, wake up sweetheart…”

It was several minutes later, when she rapidly shook her head, fully becoming conscious and aware.

“Wh-what happened?” Her eyes were darting around the room, looking down at herself, as though confused by the fact that she wasn’t actually in pain, chest still visibly heaving. They widened when she faced Tony. “You’re bleeding, what’s wrong?”  The urgency in her voice grew. “Tony, what happened? Why are we on the floor?”

Tony discarded the bloody tissue, sighing. “Your, uh, right hook is still just as strong as it was five years ago, sweetheart.”

“I-I did that to you?” She looked so shocked, so disgusted with herself. Her hands mapped caressingly over his face as though to ground herself, remind herself where she was. They travelled down his shoulders, along the length of his arms. He simply looked back at her, not breaking eye contact, understanding that she needed to do this. Michelle now noticed the redness on her knuckles, the crescent moons from clenching her fists.

He lifted her hand and kissed it. “It’s fine. You were having a nightmare. You thought you were back there and uh, old habits die hard I guess.”

The corners of her mouth downturned. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Michelle.” Helping her back into bed, she began to cry, nestling herself into a ball. Naturally, his arms went to slide around her waist, so he could pull her close. She only tensed under his touch, shaking her head.

He bit his lip before speaking in a raspy tone. “They…” The words stuck in his throat. “They raped you, didn’t they?” 

She continued to look away, her body shaking as she sobbed louder.

“I-I didn’t want to make it into a big deal.” She sniffed. “I fought them off, they stopped after a while and decided it wasn’t worth it.”

“But they still did it, Michelle.” His voice hardened.

“I didn’t want you to worry.” Michelle mumbled.

Tony went to run his hand down her side, instinctively, but drew away. He realised that the intimacy they once had would have to be rebuilt. That she’d have to learn to trust someone to respect her boundaries, even if that ‘someone’, was her husband. He understood now, why she’d rolled away from him in her sleep throughout the night, why the overwhelming flood of hugs and embraces from family and friends had been so taxing on her. Because of what they’d done, of how they’d hurt her, she was now constantly trying to protect herself. 

“I’m never not going to worry about you, Michelle. So if you need time to heal then it doesn’t matter. This doesn’t change anything, okay? I still love you just as much as I always have.” He continued to reassure her, but eventually laid down on his side of the bed, listening to her cry herself to sleep. “What matters is that I have you back.” 

His lip wobbled as he noticed the sheets had become stained with her sweat. The way her spine was visible through her shirt. How coarse and dead her hair looked, all grown out and mangled. She looked so helpless, so broken. The strength, the determination, the fight within her was gone. Wasted away with her semblance of dignity and pride. She was cowering away from him, almost in shame, for something she had no control over. And again, guilt washed over him, wondering why in god’s name nobody thought to check her records earlier, wondering why it had to take so much time. So much time that both of them spent grieving and mourning each other. Time spent suffering, when they could have been together. Time spent fretting over a hospital bed, when the three of them could have had the happy, healthy family they deserved. Although, Tony supposed, he wouldn’t have ever had the same kind of relationship with Jack. And given how much he meant to him, how much their bond meant to him, a small part of Tony had to believe things had worked out this way for a reason.

He wished there was more he could do, but Tony knew that right now, if Michelle needed distance, if she needed time to heal, then he would give it to her. 

No matter how hard he wished things weren’t this way, that they could have picked up where they left off.

No matter how useless he felt.

No matter how much it hurt.

She’d begged him to go spend the night at Jack’s. He needed sleep and to see Lucas, she just needed a night alone to adjust, hoping maybe that re-familiarising herself would help. As weird as that was to him, that she wanted to be alone after probably feeling isolated these past five years, he didn’t question or doubt her decision. The therapist had suggested it after all. Like he’d continued to say to her, whatever she needed, he would give.  So Tony had gone over for dinner, he’d played with Lucas, and now he and Jack were lying on top of the bed, having both put Lucas to sleep in the other room. Their hands had naturally found themselves intertwined, the TV on a low volume in front of them. 

“It’s so hard…I just feel like I can’t do anything right. I wish I knew how to make her feel safe.” Tony took in a deep breath. “Y-you don’t know how bad she’s been, Jack. She just screams and screams and I can’t do anything except wait for her to wake up. I-if I try to snap her out of it, she thinks I’m one of them, she thinks I’m trying to kill her or touch her or…” He hissed, voice wobbling. “I-I mean I knew it was going to be hard for her. I knew she’d been through so much. I-I just didn’t expect to be so useless in helping.”

“Just love her. Let her know that you’re there for her if she needs you. That’s all you can do. You’re not useless.” Jack brushed his thumb over the back of Tony’s hand, before doing so similarly on the bruise across his cheek. He’d asked about it as soon as he’d arrived at the house, and Tony had refused to say anything, insisting it was nothing. Connecting the dots in his head, he realised it must have been Michelle, by accident of course, during one of the many nightmares and panic attacks she was sure to be experiencing.

He sighed. “But what right do I have to complain? My dead wife turns out to be alive, but because she’s been tortured for five years, it’s not going to go back to the way it was? I have her back, it shouldn’t ma-“

“So have you.” 

Tony furrowed his brow at him.

Jack cleared his throat, clarifying. “In your own way you’ve been tortured too. For the last five years, you’ve mourned her. For god’s sake, you went to her funeral. All the while you’ve lived in constant fear that your son, the only connection you had to your wife, would die. And you’ve worked a dangerous, stressful job every day just to make ends meet. Yes, she’s suffered horribly. But so have you. Don’t forget what you’ve been through too, even if it feels like you can’t compare.”

He pivoted, taking Tony into his arms, knowing that the comfort of the warmth of his body was what he needed. He’d barely been able to touch Michelle without her having a flashback. Even when she’d try to hug him first, he could still hear the thunder and race of her heart against his chest. Jack knew that Tony was at the end of his rope. Completely and wholly emotionally drained. All of his energy had been devoted to her, all of his love, all of his care. But other than the intermittent visits he made to Lucas, Tony hadn’t been able to receive any of that love back. Right now, there wasn’t anybody there to take care of him and make him feel better. And of course, he felt like he had no right to ask. So Jack would give it to him. Communicate sometimes even wordlessly that he was important too, that he needed love too.

“I still haven’t figured out how to tell her about…well, us.” He glanced up at him before sighing. The anxiety over telling her was killing him. He couldn’t lose her again. He just couldn’t.

“She’ll understand, Tony.” Jack spoke reassuringly. “I-I know we’ve agreed not to do anything right now, while she doesn’t know, because it does feel like cheating, and I respect that, I respect your marriage. But you haven’t done anything wrong.” 

“And if she doesn’t? If she doesn’t understand?”

Jack shrugged, before speaking sadly. “Then we can just end things and go back to how they were. It’s easier that way.”

“No.” Tony looked him deep in the eyes, speaking almost scoldingly. “God, Jack, can you stop beating yourself up for one second, and realise how much you mean to me? Fight for us, damn it.” 

He tilted his head down into his lap as Tony pulled away. Seemingly frustrated, he began to pace around the room, trying to control his emotions.

“You married her first, Tony.”

Tony huffed before whispering harshly through his teeth. “Fine, Jack, you’re right. I said yes to her first. I loved her first.” His voice began to waver a little. “But then she died, Jack. She died. And then I said yes to you, then I fell in love with you. A-and I didn’t just fall in love with you because Michelle was gone and you happened to be there. I realised…that while I was helping you, you were helping me.” The emotion in his voice grew, but there was still so much hurt behind it. “You were my rock, the one person I knew who could understand me. I didn’t just like having you there when things were bad…I-I just liked having you around me. I liked having you next to me when I woke up. I felt okay knowing that if something were to happen to me too, especially since I’d stayed at CTU, that Lucas would be safe. That he would grow up with a good parent there to raise him.” He gazed at the photo of the three of them on the dresser, picking it up with one hand, sniffling. Tony shook his head, before looking back at Jack. “And if you still can’t see that after how many years…” He sighed, unable to finish his sentence, not wanting to say something he’d regret.

Jack silently watched Tony’s jaw twitch, as he walked over to the dresser, pilfering through his underwear drawer.

“You want proof? Proof that you were more than some replacement?” Tony’s voice was barely above a whisper, barely maintaining any sense of stability. “Here’s your proof.”

He tossed a small box onto the bed, walking out of the room. If it were daytime, Jack was sure Tony would have slammed it. But given that Lucas was asleep, he let it shut swiftly but softly. It just went to show that deep down Tony was always thinking about Lucas, no matter what was happening in the moment.

Shakily, Jack opened the box. Inside, as he’d suspected, was a set of matching titanium rings. And in this moment, Jack realised just how serious Tony was. Of course, it wasn’t that Jack didn’t feel the same way, he did, he sure as hell would have said yes if Tony asked him. But his own insecurity, his own doubts formed from every previous relationship he’d had. His deep-seated fear that Tony was going to go back to Michelle, which again, he would have gladly allowed, after all, he respected and loved both of them. Of course if Lucas’ mother was alive, then he should rightfully be returned to her. It just made logical sense in his brain. Jack simply couldn’t understand why Tony believed he was worth fighting for.

It was only a few minutes later when Jack came out of the bedroom to find Tony in the dim lighting of the kitchen, a pained look on his tear-stained face. They hated fighting. They hated being mad at each other when they were all they had. Hell, they hated the waiting around, the growing tension. They had enough stress in their lives as it was.

“Y-you’re right. Everything you said. I-it applies to me too. I didn’t just love him because he was a kid that I was helping to raise. I loved him because he was your kid.” Jack hardened his voice, as Tony looked up in response. “A-and like you keep saying I wasn’t a replacement for Michelle, I-I realise how much it makes sense, because I’ve never thought of you as a replacement for Teri or Kate. I love you because I just do, Tony. I-It’s just hard for me to believe that something good can happen to me in my life again. I’m just scared.”

Tony sniffled, relieved. “You lost a child too…this child is every bit yours as he is mine. I’m not just forgetting everything we’ve had because Michelle’s back. I-I still love you and need you, just as I always have.” He nodded slowly, pulling Jack into a hug. “I-I think I’m going to tell her tomorrow.”

“It’ll be okay, I’m sure.” He smiled at Tony. “But for now…does this mean I can keep the ring?”

He tipping his head in agreement, letting out a small laugh. “Yes. Yes you can.” He kissed Jack on the cheek, now feeling as though what he’d been saying was true.

Maybe he could have both of them after all.

Michelle knew that Jack had been helping with Lucas, and she loved and appreciated him for it. But she was yet to discover the true nature of his relationship with Tony. And it was terrifying Tony to try and find a way to tell her. He’d planned out an explanation in his head, but when he sat her down, her beautiful brown eyes staring back lovingly, his mind went blank.

“You wanted to talk about something?” She stirred her coffee.

“Uh, yeah…” He took in a deep breath.

“Is something wrong? Is it something bad?”

“No! No, no no…it’s not a bad thing. I-I’m just struggling to figure out how to explain it.”

She lifted her shoulders, casually, giving him a small smile. “Then just tell me.”

Tony sighed. “These last five years, while it’s brought me so much joy, and so much strength to raise Lucas. It was also the hardest five years of my life.” He let out a small laugh. “I-I wasn’t expecting parenting to be easy. But having to live in constant fear that he wasn’t going to make it nearly killed me. I-I thought when I was finally allowed to bring him home, it was going to be fine. I thought it was over.” 

Tony paused, his breath shortening. Her bony hand clasped his on the table. “It’s okay, take your time.” She whispered.

“B-but then one day I went to check on him, and he was completely blue.” He squeezed his eyes shut. “I-I did CPR on him for nearly an hour until the ambulance came. They rushed him to the hospital straight away, but all the fear, all the worry I thought I could let go of came back.”

“Come on…come on…please…Lucas…please…breathe.” He begged, and begged, continuously pressing his two fingers into the baby’s chest. Tony was terrified he’d break one of his tiny ribs, but the 911 operator had made it incredibly clear to him how important this simple action was going to be. How crucial it was to giving him a chance of surviving. Pausing, he ducked down, blowing a shaky breath into his tiny airways, feeling the so faint but still present pulse against his chin. A tear rolled down from his face onto Lucas’, the small puddle still so big compared to the size of his body.

Wiping it away with his other hand, Tony continued the chest compressions like they were his one and only calling in life. He heard voices in the background, overpowered only by the sound of his own erratic breathing. 

“Tony? I’m here with the paramedics.” Jack yelled.

“I’m in his room!” He shouted back at the top of his lungs.

Immediately, a flurry of identically dressed EMTs burst into the room, taking over his actions, setting up the defibrillator. He stepped back, giving them room, stumbling back near the doorway. Jack met him in the hall, silently making eye contact, knowing that Tony was too focused on the sounds of the beeps and prompts of the one machine that had the power to save him. It was hard for him to see over the huddle of EMTs, but he wouldn’t dare interfere with their space. He let out a constricted breath when Lucas’ faint gasps and cries could be heard. They rushed him out to the ambulance, his body so tiny within the expanse of the gurney.

As they cleared out of the house, Tony felt vulnerability and shock wash over him like a tsunami. He sunk to the floor in the hallway, his right hand still twitching as though he were still performing CPR. He was still hyperventilating, body still shaking, tears still streaming. 

“I nearly lost him again, Jack…I nearly…he wasn’t breathing…he…”

Jack squatted in front of him. “He’s okay…he’s okay…Lucas is alive…Tony…he’s okay.”

One of the younger paramedics stuck her head around the corner. She bit her lip at the sight of the two of them. “Did you want to come with us in the ambulance?”

“Yeah, yeah, of course…” Jack responded on behalf of Tony’s nod.

Jack stretched out his hand, helping Tony to his feet.

“Thank you for saving him…” said Tony.

She offered an endearing smile. “No, sir, you saved him. The defibrillator wouldn’t have done anything if you hadn’t kept him alive the whole time. You did the right thing.” 

 His jaw twitched, voice wobbling. “He’s had fourteen more procedures since then.” 

She shuddered, thinking of the little boy she was still preparing to know and love hooked and tubed up to machines and monitors. It pained her even more to think of Tony watching on, terrified.

“A-and he’s going to need to get things checked every few years, as well, i-it’s not over. It’s never going to be over.” A tear rolled down his cheek. “But our son is one of the bravest kids I’ve ever met.” Her heart melted at the full-bodied smile he gave. “He doesn’t care, he just takes every surgery, every visit as it comes. I-I don’t know how, it freaks me out sometimes how okay he is with everything. But I suppose it’s all he’s ever known. I-I’m the one that’s barely kept it together.”

“Sweetheart, you have. You’ve done everything right.” She squeezed his hand again. “You’re both happy and for the most part, healthy. That’s all anyone could ever ask for.”

He shook his head, quickly. “But that’s just it. It hasn’t been just me. I haven’t been this ‘hero’ single father.”

Her brows knitted together. “I know you said Jack helped, but-“

“No, Michelle, you don’t get it. He hasn’t just been there every now and then. He’s…he’s been there for everything.”

She still looked confused.

He stuttered. “He’s…I…” Slightly flustered, the words fell from his mouth quickly. “We’re together.”

Michelle didn’t seem to show any kind of adverse reaction, instead letting a moment of silence fall between them.

“I-it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you, or that I don’t want to be with you, of course I do, that’s the thing, I love both of you, and I do-“

She cut off his rambling with a sympathetic tilt of her head, and a clasp of his shaking hand on the table. “Honey, you thought I was dead. I wouldn’t have blamed or resented you if you’d found someone, it’s okay. It’s been five years, I’m not expecting us to just pick up where we left off. ”

“I-I haven’t been trying to keep it from you or anything, either, I just-“

“Tony, you fell in love.” Her voice hardened. “And there’s nothing wrong with that. It’s not a mutually exclusive thing. If you love him and you love me, that’s okay. He’s a good friend, who cares about us, and cares about our son, I still want him in our life. And considering right now…” She sighed. “Intimacy just isn’t going to be possible between us, I don’t mind if you keep seeing him. I-in fact I want you to. If he really has been there that much for you, then who am I to take that away?” 

He looked down into his cup, the reverence and acceptance in her voice making him feel a stab of affection for her. 

She grabbed his face. “I love you, so much, and I’m happy for you, okay? I’m happy you had someone to share the love for our son with. I’m happy you didn’t have to go through this alone.”

“What did I do to deserve you, huh?” Tony said after a beat.

She blushed, pecking him lightly on the lips.

—

When they’d finally got around to finishing her debrief at CTU, with various memories and gaps coming back to her gradually, she was in the room alone with Jack for a moment.

“Before I go…”

He turned to face her. “Yeah?”

“I-I just want you to know, that I know about you and Tony.”

Jack looked down, almost embarrassed.

“And that I wanted to thank you. I wanted to thank you for taking care of him. And I don’t just mean Lucas.”

His eyes met hers. “I couldn’t let him go through that alone. A-and now that you’re back, if you need me to take some time away, so Lucas can get to know you better-”

“N-no, actually.” 

He made a confused face. 

“If you still want to be as involved as you had been, then I want you to be there for Lucas. You love him like a son, I can see it. And given that I’m still trying to heal, still trying to get ready to build my relationship with him, I think he needs you, Jack.” She sighed, before speaking quietly. “And I know that raising him has helped in your recovery, I could never take that away from you.”

“So you’re saying you want me in his life?”

“Yeah. I do.”

And with that she pulled him into an embrace, smiling as he whispered his thanks.

The glass had fallen from her hand some time ago. Grumbling, she’d bent down to pick one of the larger pieces. A wave of dizziness had passed over her, and she’d slipped, pressing her hand against the edge of a small shard. Watching the blood stream down her palm, she’d suddenly felt nauseous. Seeing the deep red against her skin had reminded her of the wounds she gained each day over the last five years. That was one thing she’d do to focus on when the pain grew too much for her to bear. She’d fixate on watching the liquid flow, be it from her arm, her leg, her abdomen. So watching it at that moment, everything had seemed to fade out of her conscious mind. Backing against the wall, her eyes locked on her hand which continued to bleed. Her body was trembling, small cries and screams escaping her mouth. She ran her hands through her hair, squeezing her eyes shut, curling into a ball. Michelle’s breaths grew faster, sharper, shallower.

He held the screen up in front of her. “All I want to know is the type of encryption CTU uses for this database, Michelle. Just one simple thing.” The chains creaked as her body was raised from the ground, her feet dangling. Her wrists ached, the pinching sensation of the cuffs tight above her.  

She swung her head from side to side, speaking gravelly. “I’m not telling you anything.” 

Murphy smiled smugly, flicking the switch-blade open. This was a game she’d played before, she knew now not to show even a glimpse of fear. The tip of the blade glided delicately down her stomach, before stopping and starting again. He then drew a separate line, mirroring the motion. This, she was used to. But she braced herself as best she could for what was likely coming. Suddenly, the knife plunged just below her navel. She howled out in pain, before clamping her mouth shut again. 

“You always make this so difficult. This can end whenever you’d like it to.” Taking the opportunity, she kneed him in the throat before he could step back. He cursed, spluttering a little, as he rubbed the spot hesitantly. A fist collided with her solar plexus, causing her to cough violently, the chains rattling with the shake of her body. But again, she closed her mouth. Her cheek twitched as she continued to stay silent. Murphy snapped his fingers to get the attention of one of his men. The man took the knife and wiped the blood, before setting it alight. 

“Let’s try this again. Tell me the type of encryption, so my people can use the right algorithm to try and intercept it.”

Michelle met his gaze, daring to spit at him. Before she could even breathe, the blazing hot knife seared the spot where she had just been cut. It was cauterising the wound, she knew. After all, Murphy liked his games, but he also liked Michelle being kept alive. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt like hell though.

He applied more pressure, the immeasurable heat so painful against her tender skin. She squirmed and winced, but still refused to say anything besides cursing every name under the sun. Murphy realised they wouldn’t get anywhere reasonably soon, so he ordered the man to stop, whispering something in his ear.

Appreciating the break from the hot knife, Michelle used it to catch her breath and build her strength up, hissing at the sensitivity of her skin. The simple movement of the air around her was enough to create an uncomfortable itch over the wounds. Sometimes a small fight would be enough, and they’d simply leave her for a while before coming back. Normally they’d get it out of her the second time around, still too weak from the first round of torture. She gulped when the man returned with something that looked like a voltage supply and cables. 

They’d never used this before. 

For as long as she’d been there, slicing had been Murphy’s main game. They fed her the bare minimum, given her small rations of water, only let her sleep for a little at a time, but if she blacked out, they’d quickly bring her round again. She’d told them a few things, but not too many, and nothing as important as a level of encryption so far. Sometimes she’d try and recall outdated information and tell them that instead. But they’d busted her lying to them a few times, punishment in the form of holding her down while they had their way with her. So for now her new strategy was to play it safe and only speak when she could no longer hold on. After all, staying alive was in her best interest too. She hoped, wondered, spent so much time trying to brainstorm how somebody could find her. Perhaps if they hacked a CTU database, CTU would be able to trace it back. However, Michelle knew Murphy was likely smart enough to not let that happen.

“See, normally we like to give you some time to think about cooperating, Michelle. But today, I’m impatient, and you’ve made me mad. You asked for it.”

Before she could even reply, a zap of electricity spread from her chest outwards. She gasped, choking. Her veins felt like they were on fire, all of her hairs standing on end. He continued to do it intermittently, waiting for her breathing to settle, and then electrocuting her again. The voltage was enough to cause pain, but not enough to knock her out.

“You can make it stop, Michelle.” He shouted over her screaming, sweat coating her face. “This is all your fault.”

“Delta Five!” She shrieked, her voice broken and jolted by the shock.

Murphy raised a hand so the man could step back. “What was that?”

“Delta Five…” She muttered, voice woeful, not looking him in the eyes. “They use a Delta Five for that one.”

“Now, that wasn’t so hard was it?” His voice was sweet with venom as he smirked.

“Fuck you…” She gritted through her teeth.

They left her strung up, Michelle swearing she could still feel latent electricity course through her body. There was a disgusting charred stench. It was her skin, she realised. 

Hearing the door shut, she sniffled, watching her tears fall to the floor, mixed in with blood from the cut on her stomach. Her vision blurred both because of them and all of the blood having rushed from her head. 

She never cried in front of them. She yelled, she screamed, she fought back with everything she had, desperate to convey her strength. But she never shed a tear until they left her alone. No, she would never give them the satisfaction of knowing how miserable she was. How desperate she was to die, but how desperate she was to stay alive, because all she could keep telling herself was that there was a chance.

It was early morning. Tony had gone out to go grocery shopping briefly, Jack having already gone to work after taking Lucas to school. He still hated leaving her alone, even when she insisted it’d be fine. Upon returning, when he called her name out, his stomach dropped when she didn’t respond. Calling out again, he placed the bags on the floor, feeling his heart race. He nearly stumbled when he found her crouched in the hallway.

Warily, he knelt beside her, deciding not to crowd her too much. His eyes widened upon seeing the blood. The cut wasn’t deep enough to need stitches, but he could tell no pressure had been applied, and that she’d been in this catatonic state for a significant period of time. It had smeared all over her hands and stained her shirt. He could see red smudges where she’d touched her face.

“B-blood. G-get it o-off me. Get it off me!” She screamed, pulling at him.

He knew he needed to get something to suppress the wound, but at the same time he couldn’t leave her. He couldn’t give her any reason to feel abandoned, he had to do everything he could to convince her that she wasn’t where she thought she was. Using one hand, he clumsily grabbed for his cell phone.

“J-Jack.”

It was immediately apparent from the tone in his voice that something wasn’t right.

“What’s wrong?” 

“C-come to the house, please. It’s Michelle, she’s-”

He heard a scream in the background.

“I’ll be there.”

Jack bolted out of CTU and drove as fast as he could. When he arrived, he practically ran through the door, using the sound of Tony’s panicked attempts at reassurance and Michelle’s shrieking to find them in the hallway. When he looked up, his eyes were wet with tears.

“G-get the first aid kit, she’s going to pass out. Oh god, t-there’s so much blood.”

Dodging the stray pieces of glass and small droplets of crimson on the floor, Jack did as he said. Bending beside her, he worked with Tony to keep her hand still as they wrapped it tightly. Jack had to force down the memories rising to the surface of finding Teri covered in blood in much the same way as Michelle appeared now. 

He wasn’t going to fail this time.

“It’s okay…it’s okay, Michelle. It’s just me and Jack. I’m here. I’m here.” Tony continued to tell Michelle, looking her in the eyes. Jack wrapped the cut on her hand snugly, pleased that it wasn’t bleeding through. When her gaze flitted towards Jack, and the sensation of the fabric against her hands and arms, she didn’t seem to be afraid. She seemed to trust him. Having them both with her during this moment seemed to be the only thing calming her down.

Jack pressed the wet towel to her face, gently wiping off the smeared blood, before patting it dry. He did so similarly to her hands, and anywhere else it had gotten. Giving her space, he stepped back. Tony went to follow suit but to his surprise, Michelle drew him in, her arms gripping him like a vice. Tony struggled to continue to suppress his own tears. Tears because she was suffering, because no matter how much time had passed, it could all come back to her in an instant. Tears because it had been so long. So long since he’d held her and comforted her successfully.

She pressed her face into his chest, listening to his murmurs. “Just breathe, just breathe, I’m here with you, it’ll pass, just breathe…”

Jack squeezed Tony’s shoulder, wordlessly communicating that he loved him, that he understood that Michelle needed him right now, and went to leave. 

“Stay.” Tony said softly.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to crowd her.”

Tony shook his head. “I could see it in her eyes. It wasn’t just me who she trusted.”

So after sweeping the remaining glass and blood, as well as putting the groceries away, Jack sat across from Tony in the hall, watching Michelle gradually calm down in his arms, gradually stop shaking, gradually breathe slower. He smiled when Tony looked up and mouthed ‘thank you’, relief plain in his eyes. And when the attack eventually passed, just as he’d promised her it would, they continued to hold each other for long after, savouring the moment. She allowed herself to be vulnerable, to be cradled in his arms. And for the first time since she’d been home, Tony actually felt as though he had helped her. Although he also knew that if it wasn’t for Jack, he certainly wouldn’t have been able to do it. 

It had just reaffirmed to him more just how much he needed both of them. 

And just how much Michelle did too.

She’d been going to therapy for a little while now, the nightmares abating gradually. At the very least, she was able to be comforted by him when she had them. Michelle wasn’t fighting or pushing him away now, she was searching for him, he was her light at the end of every flashback tunnel. Tony didn’t pry as to what exactly else had transpired over the last five years, but of course he had a vague idea. He knew that if she wanted to, she would tell him when she was ready, in as much or as little detail as she wanted. Lucas had been staying with Jack in his old apartment in the mean time, Tony coming to see him every day. 

He didn’t expect Michelle to open up to him so abruptly, but when she did, he gave his full attention.

They were both lying in bed awake in the middle of the night, silently listening to each other breathe. It was something of a comforting habit for them. After all, Tony wasn’t used to sleeping, always worrying about either Lucas, or now Michelle again. And Michelle’s protective guard still hadn’t quite faded.

“No.”

“Michelle, you need to sleep, you’re barely staying awake during the day, why won’t you just take the sleeping pills they prescribed?”

She shook her head again. “I-I’ll be fine, I don’t need them.”

Tony gave her a bewildered look. “I don’t get it, Michelle. You’re exhausted, you need to sle-“

“Because I can’t, Tony! Okay?” Her chest heaved. “Because the last time someone told me to take a sleeping pill, I ended up being taken hostage for five years. A-and I’m too scared to let myself be put in that position again.”

He softened his expression. “I-I get it, but nothing’s going to happen, okay?”

Michelle shrugged. “I’m sorry, you can tell me that all you want, but it’s not going to make me believe it any more.”

Tony sighed. “I just wish I could help you, sweetheart.”

“You want to help? Just be there when I wake up, please? Just be there to remind me that I’m home.”

“I thought I was in Hell…” She spoke, already on the verge of tears.

Pivoting, he sat up on one elbow to look at her. “What?”

“When I woke up there…” Michelle’s eyes closed. “I was so confused, I thought the cyanide was supposed to kill me. So when they started hurting me, I-I thought I was in Hell. Thought I was being punished because of what I’d done. For shooting that guy in the hotel, maybe…I don’t know.”

Tony pressed his lips into a thin line. He almost wanted to laugh at how ridiculous it sounded. Not because it wasn’t realistic, but the fact that she even thought she was deserving of such punishment. But for her, it was a very real, a very tangible conclusion she’d drawn given the circumstances. “There is nothing you’ve done or ever will do that will make you end up in Hell, sweetheart.” 

“I-I didn’t want to believe it!” She defended. “But at the time it was the only thing that made sense, I thought I was going to die, Tony. I-I didn’t know where I was, or where you were, or what was happening. I-I was terrified.”

He sighed. “I-I know. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…I didn’t mean to ridicule it. I can’t even imagine how that must have felt, how confused you must have been.”

Michelle cleared her throat, and he gave her his full attention. “As soon as I came to, the first thing I realised was that I was chained up against the wall. It was dark. I was alone. My head was pounding, I felt so sick and weak, I could barely move. It felt like my expectation of dying. I-I don’t even remember what they said to me at first. Something about me being ‘useful’.” She shrugged. “Then they started asking me questions. Questions about aliases, passwords, codes, security protocols. I wouldn’t tell them anything. They’d yell, they’d threaten, I kept quiet. It was fine at first…I’d been interrogated before, I wasn’t exactly new to the whole thing.”

He nodded.

“When I didn’t talk, the next thing they did was try to drug me. I-I’d try and fight it, and they’d give me too much, so I’d pass out. So, uh, that ‘strategy’ didn’t last long. I fought back pretty hard and ended up nearly escaping when they tried to rape me, so that didn’t last long either.”

“You escaped?” He felt a swell of pride for her.

She made a hesitant face. “Not for long. I-I’d been there for a couple of years by that point, I think. Every time I managed to venture a little further away, I slowly figured out timing and patterns of their guards, managed to get myself in the forest, but they found me, shot me with a tranquililser dart…” She sighed. “Then I woke up with the anklet on and they started getting violent. I realised they were willing to do anything to get me to break, so long as they kept me lucid. I think that’s the only reason I still am. The fact that they kept me sober meant that I knew everything I was revealing, and that was what Murphy wanted. He wanted to see me ashamed.”

“I-I know you don’t want to show me, and that’s okay, but…what exactly did they do? Just so…just so I can understand. S-sorry, I just…it’s your choice and-”

“It’s okay…you’ve given me space, you’ve done all the right things, everyone keeps telling me I don’t have to talk about it, that it’s my choice. But I realised that I do want you to know. I want you to understand what I’ve been through so we can move forward together.” She took in a breath, hands instinctively running over the marks on her body. “Mostly, they’d cut me, every inch of skin they could find, they’d slice it open. Sometimes if I was being especially stubborn, he’d choke me or beat me, sometimes with a whip, sometimes with his hands. It hurt like hell, even from the beginning, because my core was so weak from the C-section. As I got weaker because of how little they were feeding me and lost most of my muscle mass from not being allowed to move very much, it just got worse.  Then…” She sighed. “He got creative. They hung me from the ceiling and shocked me, usually leaving me there upside down or in some other position that made me throw up whatever was left in my stomach. They’d blindfold me and handcuff me for days on end in the dark. God…I think they waterboarded me at some point…”

Tony felt nauseous listening to her list off every technique, knowing that he would be horrified to experience them, let alone understand that she actually had. He let her finish the story, trying to understand the possible repercussions, the feelings, the fears she would now have.

“A-and at some point enough was enough. I couldn’t take it anymore. I-I was so lonely. I-I was so scared. They’d bring me to the point of seriously hurting me, but never close enough to kill me. I can’t even remember a time when I wasn’t in pain. So I-I just gave up and started telling them. As long as there was hope that our son was alive, as long as there was hope that somebody could figure out where I was…I had to keep myself alive. I-I may never get over that. I-I may never get over the fact that I sold out like that.”

“You didn’t sell out, stop being so ha-“

She raised a hand to silence him.

“You and I both know I did. You and I both know that I was supposed to find a way out. And I had the opportunity to, but I didn’t take it before he put the anklet on.” Michelle spoke gravely. “But even then, Murphy had stopped caring by that stage. He just wanted to cause me pain, he just wanted revenge. And then one day, all of them fled, he chained me against the wall, told me that my time was up, that I was no longer useful to him…” She shrugged a little. “Next thing I know Jack’s in front of me and telling me that our son is alive.”

Tears were flowing freely down his cheeks. Noticing this, she reached out to caress his face. “But none of that matters now. I have my life back. Like you keep saying. It’s over. I-I just needed to get it off my chest. So you can understand.” She whispered.

“Sweetheart, I’m so sorry….” He brushed her skin lightly with the back of his hand, slowly. “But they can’t hurt you anymore. I promise. I love you, okay? We’re going to get through this.”

Michelle offered a weak smile, but Tony could see so much anguish, so much doubt, so much fear. Unbeknownst to her, her sleeves had rolled up slightly, revealing various slash marks, thin and puckered. His eyes trailed further down to her wrists. The lines there stuck out to him. They were shorter, neater, more intentional, deeper. Almost as though their purpose wasn’t to cause pain but to end it.

His thumbs went to touch them softly. She wanted to pull away, instinctively, but instead found herself slowly looking up to meet his eye.

“You did these ones…didn’t you?” Tony said it almost as gently and emotionally as he’d been when he’d told her he knew about the rapes.

Biting her lip, she nodded. “It was at the beginning.” She cleared her throat. “When I was still drugged up. Before I’d remembered that I’d given birth to Lucas, that our son was out there.”

Silence fell between them. Both of them wondering how very different things would be right now had she been found dead and not alive. The mere thought of losing her twice like that made his stomach churn.

“I-I just wanted it to s-stop.” Her voice broke, a hiccup escaping her throat. “B-but then it all started to come back to me, and I-I couldn’t bring myself to do it.”

“Shh…it’s okay. You were trying to do the right thing, it’s okay…”

“H-how can you love me?” She asked, brokenly, barely above a whisper.

“What?”

“H-how can you love me, how can you look at me, knowing e-everything that’s happened, knowing what they’ve done to me, knowing what I’ve done to keep myself alive?”

Again, the overwhelming doubt and question within her was so bewildering to Tony. But then he realised that she was never going to see herself the same way. She would never see herself the way he saw her.

“Because it’s you, Michelle. Because no matter what life throws at us, it’s always going to be you. Always has, always will.” He murmured softly.

Her head shook. “But you have a life with Jack and Lucas, you have everything sorted. Me being here is just screwing everything up, I’m making it so hard for you.” The next part came out woeful and mumbled. “You should just go be with them. Don’t worry about me.”

He pressed his lips into a thin line before speaking poignantly. “I love you because you fought with everything you had for me and our son, okay? Michelle…the first time Lucas opened his eyes, I cried, because they were yours. When his hair started to come in, when he started to grow, I fell in love with him more and more every day because he was reminding me of you. That was all I had left of you. A-and now that you’re back?” He sniffed. “I-it’s incredible, sweetheart. Never in a million years did I ever think I’d be able to have you home with me. Never did I think I’d be able to share this with you. So whatever we’re going through now, all this healing, all this pain that you need to work through, i-it doesn’t bother me at all. It’s not an inconvenience, you’re not an inconvenience. If a little time and space is the price I pay to have you home in my life, home in our son’s life, then so be it. Please, Michelle. Why can’t you see how much I love you?”

And for the first time in so long, Michelle inched her body over, pressing her face against his chest. She listened to his heart beat, she grounded herself in that moment with him being so vulnerable, speaking so reverently of her. 

“Thank you. Thank you for being there. T-thank you for understanding. It’s just hard when the slightest thing triggers me and takes me back there. All I’m trying to do is make sense of the real world, make sense of what I can and can’t trust, realise that I don’t have to be afraid of everything and everyone. I-I don’t want you to think that I don’t trust you. I’ve spent so long thinking the same thing, that I’d never be able to have this with you again. I’ve spent so long aching because I thought I’d never have our son in my life. B-but I do now. So I think I need to just keep trying to accept it. Accept what’s happened and move on. I love you too. I love you so much, Tony. I-I can’t have you thinking that I don’t.” 

“I know you do…” He whispered. “And I love you too, don’t forget that…”

Her arms wrapped around him tighter and she yawned. Tony kissed the top of Michelle’s head, watching her drift into sleep, hoping that some of the weight on her mind had been lifted.

Her heart was racing at a million miles a minute. She shouldn’t be so nervous, really. This wasn’t a job interview or a hospital check. But it felt just as important. No, scratch that. It was much more important. Today was the day Michelle would meet her son. Today was the day she felt ready, felt most like herself, to meet him properly. 

The day before, she and Tony had taken the afternoon together for some quality time. The weather had grown pleasant, and remembering what she’d said to him about missing being outside, he decided it was only just that he take her somewhere outdoors.  They’d hiked up to a reasonably secluded spot, not so secluded that she felt isolated or afraid, but secluded that they could relax. She felt the warmth of the sun on her skin as she took in every aspect of her surroundings. Being out in nature was not a privilege she’d had in the last five years. Laying down the blanket, Tony smiled at how distracted she was by the simplest of things. But he understood why. He knew that for her, every moment away from that place was a blessing in and of itself. Little things that he took for granted every day were things she’d not even been able to envision. Seeing beyond the view of a single window, seeing colour, vibrance, change. Hearing more than just yells and threats and abuse, feeling the comfort of soft fabrics against her skin. Not just smelling the musky staleness of one room. Right here, right now she could breathe in fresh air, she could trust in where she was, admire all that was new and all that was different.

While she did so, Tony set out the food he’d brought along with a bottle of red wine, her favourite that he always used to buy for her. Now that she wasn’t on any more antibiotics, she could indulge in a little bit of alcohol again. Only if she wanted to of course. Michelle had actually had no idea what he’d brought along, only being told that it was a surprise. 

Slowly, still mindful of the weakness in her back, Michelle knelt onto the blanket. “What’s all this?”

He scratched the side of his cheek. “Well…I know the doctor said you need to get all your vitamins back up, so I went to the farmer’s market, and I think I’ve gotten every fruit there was. That on top of this,” he gestured to the bottle, “which is apparently supposed to have antioxidants…” She smiled at his thoughtfulness. “And...” He tossed her a Snickers bar, her favourite,  “This because…well, there’s nothing healthy about it, but I figured it’s been a long time since you’ve had one, so…” 

By the time he’d said that, she’d already unwrapped it and started chewing, making him laugh.

“And another thing I thought of…since I know the eating adjustment has been hard for you…”

She nodded. It had been. One would think after years of malnutrition and deprivation, simply going back to eating ‘normally’ would help her to regain the lost weight. But it hadn’t. Despite Tony trying to cook every cuisine under the sun for her, she’d only ever been able to keep down so much. Supplements prescribed by the doctor hadn’t helped much either. So the number on the scale had only gone up ever so slightly since she’d come home. 

“Why don’t we try strength training? We’ve got the gym at CTU, there’s also a women’s only gym I found not too far from home, if that would make you more comfortable.” He sighed, looking her up and down. “I-I can’t keep watching you try to force yourself to eat, maybe with the exercise that’ll come back more naturally. Or even if it doesn’t…as long as you’re healthy. Screw the scale, if your body is able to function properly with no problems, then that’s the only weight goal you need.” 

Michelle hummed in assent. The doctor had been particularly persistent about getting her back to the weight range she was before she was taken, which was easier said than done. But Tony was right, if she was otherwise healthy, and her body wasn’t failing to carry out everyday tasks, who cared how much she weighed or how she looked?

They grazed at the assortment of food for a while, the sun slowly warming them and lulling them into rest. Eventually she’d laid her head in his lap and dozed off in the afternoon sun. He played with her hair, rubbing her arm placidly, grateful that she was able to find some form of uninterrupted comfort. It was likely she’d not slept properly in the last five years, and the last few months of intermittent nightmares certainly hadn’t helped. But little things like this, soft touches and predictable movements, had become okay for her again. So for hours, he just watched her sleep peacefully, brushing a lock of hair from her face when the wind would blow it astray.

The sky was a vibrant hue of orange when her eyes opened, for once, not because of some vivid nightmare, but rather, naturally. He’d been so distracted by the array of colours and his own thoughts that he was startled by Michelle’s soft, slender hand caressing his face.

“You didn’t disappear…” She spoke, voice a little cracked from sleep.

He furrowed his brow.

“When…when I was there, sometimes I’d have dreams that I was with you.” Michelle sniffled before her voice trailed with a yawn. “But you’d always disappear when I’d wake up.”

Tony gave her a half-smile, leaning down to kiss her head. “I’m not going anywhere now.”

Brushing off some of the blades of grass that had settled on her lower half, she sat up, letting out a soft ‘oh’ as she looked at the sky. Her eyes were full of awe. “I haven’t seen a sunset in a really long time.” She spoke quietly, reverently almost.

“I haven’t seen you smile like that in a really long time.” He echoed, sweetly.

She turned to face him. “I-I’m scared about tomorrow, what if he doesn’t know, what if there’s no connection?”

He shook his head. “He does.”

Michelle tilted her head. “You don’t know that.”

“No, I do, actually. When Lucas was a baby, sometimes I’d put one of your shirts into his crib and it would be the only thing to calm him down.”

Her eyebrows raised. “Really? I-I mean I’d heard of that working for babies, but given that I never even got to hold him…”

“Yeah. You’ll have to credit Jack for thinking of that one.” He sighed, slowly cupping her face. “He’s going to love you, don’t worry.”

She shook her head. “That’s not the only thing that I meant.”

A crease formed in his brow.

“Tony I…I didn’t even hold him after he was born. What if…what if I can’t love him. What if I can’t be enough for him? H-how can I love a child I couldn’t raise?”

He pulled her in for a hug. “You are going to be an incredible mother. I meant it every single time I said it before he was born and I mean it now. A-and the thought that you couldn’t love him? Sweetheart you stayed alive for him. You fought for him. You went through a horrific experience because you trusted and knew that one day you would be able to be with him. And now that day has come.”

She smiled shyly. “You mean it?”

“I mean it.” He whispered. 

Tony’s words had been enough to soothe her so she slept okay throughout the night, not entirely riddled with anxiety about the next day. 

But now the next day was here.

She walked into the room, and clasped a hand over her mouth. Lucas was no longer the tiny, frail baby that she’d clung to as her only memory of him these last five years. He was healthy and whole, with tanned skin, a head full of her hair, and deep, brown eyes. Lucas was everything she’d hoped he’d look like. Of course Tony had showed her photos but this was so different, so visceral.

“Hi...Hi Lucas.” Michelle spoke gently, pacing a few steps towards them. 

“Lucas, this is your mom.” Tony’s voice was tight.

Lucas made a confused face and looked up at his father. “But I thought you said mommy was in Heaven?”

Tony took in a shuddering breath, bending down to meet his eye. “We all thought she was, sweetheart. It turns out… that, uh, some bad people had taken her away, nobody knew where she was.”

“How did you find her?” He made an inquisitive face.

He smiled weakly. “Your Aunt Chloe is very smart. She was the one who figured everything out, then Jack went and rescued her.” He struggled to maintain his composure. “B-but the point is she’s home now, she’ll be here to take you to school, and play with you, and read you stories, and do all the things that Jack and I do with you.”

The child made a small nod of understanding, clearly trying to calculate the logistics in his mind.

Michelle had bent down to a similar height. Lucas turned around and walked towards her. As he neared, she could see more and more of his features, feeling warmth and affection flood her more and more.

“You’re hurt...” His finger outlined the scar running from Michelle’s temple down to her jaw. 

“Lucas.” Tony said in a mildly scolding tone.

Michelle shook her head. “N-no, it’s okay, Tony.”

“People have marks like that when they get hurt. I know because I’ve got two big ones on my chest.”

She detected a slight annoyance in his voice, and pulled down the collar of her top to reveal the starts of several more scars. “I’ve got a few like that as well, don’t worry.”

His eyes widened. For a second she wondered if this was something too graphic for him to see, if she’d just instilled some horrific fear in him. A smile crept across his face. “You must be really brave.” He said in awe.

Michelle made a confused face. “Brave?”

“Daddy says those marks make you brave. I’ve only got two, but you’ve got lots of them…” 

Before she could even process the pride and admiration her son felt for his mother, Lucas hugged her, something that was both overwhelmingly joyful and surprising all at once. “But you’re still hurt. And daddy always says hugs are good when you’re hurt.” He whispered.

She squeezed her eyes shut, a warmth growing in her chest. Michelle sniffled, holding him tighter. Lucas pulled back, worried. 

“Are you sad?”

Michelle wiped her eye with the heel of her hand. “N-no, no. I’m not sad. I-I’ve just missed you very much, sweetheart. These are happy tears.”

Again, he nodded, trying to understand, still befuddled as to why both of his parents couldn’t stop crying.

“Hey…Lucas?” The boy turned to face his father. “Why don’t you set up Monopoly in the front room? We’ll be there in a minute.” 

Lucas grinned, running to his room excitedly, it was his favourite board game, but given his parents’ working hours, they never seemed to get through an entire game without some form of interruption. Usually he only got to play properly with Angela or his cousins.

Standing up slowly,  Michelle walked forward to hug Tony, pressing her face into his shoulder.

“Five years…for five years, this is all I’ve wanted. Just to be a family. Just to be a normal, happy family.” So much gratitude emanated from her voice, so much relief, so much joy. And Tony could see it in her eyes. For the first time in so long, he could see that the deeply ingrained fear that her happiness wouldn’t last was fading.

Lucas called out that it was ready, already sounding impatient, a quality, Michelle noted, most definitely came from his father.

Leaning back, Michelle’s arms wrapped around the back of his neck and she kissed him lightly on the lips, brushing away a stray tear.

Tony lazily placed his hand on the other side of the bed, but jolted awake when he felt cold cotton, and not the heat of Michelle’s back, a comfort he’d just gotten used to feeling again. Panic and dread coursing through him, Tony bolted, first to Lucas’ room, letting out an audible sigh as he was still fast asleep. He glanced at the bedside clock. It read 4:32am. 

His heart continued to thump away as he looked for Michelle, breath hitching when he noticed the back door was ajar. He stabilised himself against the doorjamb when he saw Michelle sitting on the deck, gazing forward, not focusing on anything in particular. “Michelle, what are you doing out here? You scared the hell out of me!” Tony whisper-yelled.

She didn’t turn to face him. “How many people, Tony?” Her voice was sombre.

“What?” Tony’s brain was still half-asleep.

“How many people are dead because of me?” Her voice was even yet still conveyed so much fear. So much condemnation.

Slowly, he sat beside her, placing an arm around her shoulder and planting a kiss to her head. “Oh, sweetheart…you can’t blame yourself for what they did with what you told them. With what they forced out of you.”

Michelle didn’t lean into his touch, creating a twinge in Tony’s chest. “No, Tony, I can. You can’t just ‘oh sweetheart’ me and expect everything to be okay. It’s not! I have made the world, the world our son will grow up in, a dangerous place. And it’s been killing me, Tony. It’s been killing me since the first piece of information I told them.” 

Slowly, Tony came to an understanding. They could have just as easily chosen someone who would give up information without a fight. But this wasn’t just a power play, those people knew exactly what they were doing, how they were making her feel. They chose Michelle because of her sense of duty. Even if push came to shove, she would never give up, never sell out, for anything. Except of course, her only child. Regardless if they knew Lucas existed, they could tell there was a reason she was keeping herself alive, other than the anklet. It was the humiliation, reluctance and the sobs of shame that got these people off. The knowledge that they’d twisted Michelle into abandoning everything she stood for.

“When I’m able to, I want to go back to CTU.”

Through the pain of seeing her so sad, and the pain of his deepest fears, Tony’s vision began to blur as tears welled in the corners of his eyes. “No…no, I can’t lose you again.” He grabbed one of her hands in his and pressed it to his lips. “Please Michelle, get a job anywhere else, please. Jack and I only stayed there because we didn’t have a choice, but we’ve both been trying to find a way out as well.”

“I’m not going to make a significant difference and do damage control anywhere but there. And you know that as much as I do.”

“What about Lucas? What if something happens again? You can’t just think about the big picture here!” He begged her.

“You think I didn’t think about him? Of course I did!” Michelle defended.

He attempted to ramble again, but she cut him off, firmly.

“Tony I need to do this. It’s the only way I can completely forgive myself.” She looked at him, and he realised how much she was begging him as he was her. “I-I know. It scares me too. But I don’t want to spend the rest of my working life cooped up in the same place. I-I need the space, the distance, I need to feel fresh air, again, Tony. Please.”

There was nothing Tony could say to that. He hadn’t been held hostage for five years, he could not possibly know what she endured physically. Nor could he ever understand the aftermath that continued to plague her mind. Her happiness was the most important thing to her. So if this was what was going to do the trick, then Tony supposed he didn’t have a choice. He simply would have to live with the fear of losing her, just like he feared losing Jack, just like he feared Lucas growing up without either of them around. He didn’t like it one bit. But meeting her eyes, he realised that she needed her autonomy, her independence after so many years of being trapped and controlled.

Tony looked at her devotedly. “Okay.” Tony admitted softly, kissing her head again. “If that’s what you need, then okay. I’ll support you, no matter what. B-but you can’t exactly blame me for not wanting to lose you again.”

“I-I don’t like it either, but I can’t seem to think of another way to do this.”

A thought occurred to him. A potential solution, perhaps, that would give her some of that physical exposure without risking her safety. It was something he’d pondered before, when Jack had been shot in the field and he’d had to find a way to occupy his racing mind while he waited for him to wake up in the hospital. Tony felt like all he’d done in his spare time was think of ways for him and Jack to stop working at CTU without sacrificing the pay they both so desperately needed. 

“This is going to sound crazy, but hear me out. I know you want to do some good in the world, you and Jack…” He sighed, shaking his head. “you’re the same, both of you can put the entire world above anything else at the drop of a hat. I want you to get that same satisfaction, I know you need that. But maybe it doesn’t have to be on such a big scale.”

She furrowed her brow at him. “What do you mean?”

“You want to do the right thing so nobody has to suffer the way you did. So people can feel safe, right?”

Again, she still looked confused. “Yeah…?”

“What if you, me, and Jack opened up some kind of self defence club? And we teach people how to protect themselves. Think about it, we’ve all got CTU-level field training. I have my training from the Marines training, Jack has his from Special Forces. I’m sure there’s other agents who wouldn’t mind running some classes. We’d…we’d start by renting out a public space, then maybe if we get enough people, we’ll buy our own gym. And if that’s not enough to support us, we’ll do some consulting work on the side or something, I don’t know. But at least you’ll be able to know you’re making a real difference in people’s lives. You’ll be the one that shows them the techniques that could potentially save their life if they’re in danger.” He sighed. “I-I’m just putting it out there. If CTU is the only thing that’ll do it for you, then okay. But…”

Michelle contemplated this for a moment before looking up at him, assured. “T-that sounds good, actually. I think it’s a happy medium. I’ll still be able to get out, but neither of us will have to worry so much. I-I think it’s a great idea.”

Tony brushed his hand over hers, relieved. “Thank you. Thank you for doing this. I-I know it’s not quite what you want, but…I’ll feel a lot better knowing that you’re safe. Plus…you’ll get to kick my ass for a living, that has to be something, right?” 

She laughed at that. A genuine, full-bodied laugh that he thought he’d never hear again. 

And all he could do was grin.

After drawing the blinds, Tony sat on the bed’s edge, shirt scrunched in his hand, gazing at Michelle with adoration. She’d told him today she wanted to let him try going further. It’d taken so long to get to this point. Slowly she’d inched closer to him in sleep, stopped flinching when he’d hug her or kiss her. Eventually, she’d let him touch her, the trepidation in her gaze fading, becoming more familiarised, more lustful. There’d been some back and forth, times where she’d have a flashback and need to isolate herself, but for the most part, she had regained a sense of trust. Perhaps not in the world, but at least in him. Over time, Tony had learnt the difference between each kind of attack or flashback. He learnt how to tell when she needed to be held and told that everything was okay compared to when she needed to be given space, boundaries, breathing room. To him, the first sign of major progress had been during one of many breakdowns when for the first time, his embrace had served to help her out of it, not push her deeper into the plagues of her mind. 

It wasn’t about forcing their former sex life back into the present, because quite simply, the present was not the past. Everything had changed. The dynamic of their relationship had changed. That didn’t mean it was bad or it was good. There was no reason to measure their love for each other by their respective levels of intimacy then and now. No, their love had not changed one bit. And Tony had made that clear. He’d told her that irrespective of the rape, if her feelings and desires around sex had changed, then that was okay. After all, if the last five years had taught him anything, it was that sexuality was fluid. That feelings of want and of need weren’t always found in the places you’d expect.

But she’d made it clear to him that she wasn’t trying to force anything back either. That this had nothing to do with the physical act of sex but rather the rebuilding of trust in her relationship with him, of her trust in everything. For Michelle, being able to have sex with him again was a way for her to express herself, to remind herself that there existed a safe place she could give herself over and be vulnerable to. The slow stages that crept towards this moment were simply part of that. It was part of her progress, of her recovery, of reestablishing her perceptions of the world. Because after all, her world had been confined and isolated for so long. And who better to indulge in that progress with than the person who cared the most about her, the person who knew her the most intimately before everything had happened. Tonight was about a breakthrough, about experiencing a moment where her brain wasn’t constantly on edge, either still punishing herself for what had happened or fearing it could happen again at any moment. Fearing that her happiness was temporary. 

Michelle bit her thumb, looking hesitantly at him as she pulled her jeans off.

“Is everything okay? We don’t have to do this ton-“

Vehemently, Michelle shook her head. “N-no, I want this, I need this, you, Tony.” She sighed. “It’s just that you haven’t seen, well…all of me yet.”

He tilted his head.

“The scars.” She muttered. Since they’d been home, she’d avoided changing around him. He’d understood why, of course. There’d been glimpses, times where she’d worn something with shorter sleeves and the he’d seen the lines that covered her pale skin. It’d only added to his anxiety to know that there was more to the picture. More permanent marks of pain and suffering.

A solacing look crept across his face. “You’re never not going to be beautiful to me, Michelle. Whatever’s happened…it’s over now.”

Slowly, she unbuttoned her shirt, as though procrastinating the act, taking each sleeve off and letting the garment fall to the floor. 

Tony tried not to wince. Really, he did. But he couldn’t view each puckered scar without immediately thinking of the actions that lead to it. They covered her chest, her collarbone, her sides. Looking lower, he noticed surgical marks trailing her lower abdomen, presumably from the C-section. Michelle squeezed her eyes shut, unhooking her bra so she was bare before him. She wrapped her arms around her waist, splaying her hands to cover as much as she could. When she mustered the courage to face him, a timid cry escaped her.

“Come here, come here, sweetheart.” He pulled her into his lap, as she collapsed into his hold. Michelle nestled her face in the crook of his neck, sobbing quietly.

Lightly, he trailed his hands down her back noticing the ridges and indents of her still-slightly-protruding ribcage. Tony hushed her soothingly, planting tender kisses over her neck. Placing her hands on his shoulders, she leaned back to look at him. He pressed his forehead into hers, and she settled into him. “It’s over, it’s all over now, sweetheart. You’re safe here with me, Lucas is safe. Everything’s okay.” His fingers moved to tousle her freshly-cut hair, his heart breaking a little as she continued to whimper.

Holding her tightly, he stood, feeling her legs wrap around his waist, her hands cling to his back, and pivoted, laying Michelle down on the bed. He supported himself on his elbows, watching as tears streamed down her face.

“Make them go away…just make them go away, Tony, please.”

He hovered his face over hers, leaning down so their lips could meet. “Every inch of you is perfect.” Tony whispered, huskily. Slowly, he meandered down Michelle’s body, lightly grazing each scar with his lips. “You could be covered in a thousand scars, and that would never change the way I look at you.” She felt a shiver course through her and continued to cry, now with gratitude, now with a sense of need she hadn’t experienced in so long. Her hand found itself buried in his hair, pulling, gripping, lightly scratching his scalp with her nails.

“Keep going…” Michelle whispered.

Tony stopped, looking up at her. “Don’t feel like you have to rush this, I know it’s a big deal-”

“Shh…I want this, Tony. I’m not afraid of this anymore.” Her eyes were pleading, willing, wanting. “Please…I want you to make love to me. Make me forget what’s happened…”

His face was hesitant, scared frankly. The last time they’d tried going this far, notably, with her clothes mostly on, it hadn’t ended well.

His hands found their familiar place on either side of her hipbones. He leaned down to kiss her, unknowingly increasing the pressure of his grip in the process. Her breath hitched and she whimpered, hands planting on his chest, rapidly trying to shove him away. 

It was too much.

For that split second, the line between intimacy and control had blurred, and her mind had taken her back there.

Immediately, he drew back, giving her space to breathe, cursing himself and apologising. But she couldn’t meet his eye, her gaze rapidly flitting about the room. A hand ran through her hair, and she backed away into the ensuite. The door slammed and locked. He ran up, pressing his ear to the door. 

“Sweetheart?…”

She was screaming, the echo of the tiles only emphasising the sheer terror in her voice.

He tried calling out to her again, reassuring her, apologising incessantly. Tony had to resist every urge to break down the door and hold her in his arms. Resist the urge to be the hero, to be the saviour. Right now, in her mind, she wasn’t there with him. She was back there with them, back with the people who sought only to destroy her. There’d been enough episodes by now for Tony to know that physical touch was not going to help in this situation. So eventually he settled, sitting against the doorjamb, ceasing his crying out to her. Tony felt the tears fall down his face as he stayed up the rest of the night listening to her shriek and cry. At some point she’d gotten up to vomit. He cringed, knowing how overcome with anxiety she was right now, angered that he could do little about it except yell out to her through the door. But eventually, she’d become too tired and presumably fallen asleep. Asleep, curled into a ball, on the coolness of the tiles, knowing that the cold sensation would help to ground her, bring her back to the present moment.

In the morning, the sound of the door creaking open woke him, not that he was fully asleep anyway. Tony stood to face her, allowing plenty of distance.

“I’m sorry.” She barely choked out, voice hoarse and exhausted. Her eyes were completely bloodshot, the hollow bags beneath them somehow even darker than before.

“No. No.” Tony shook his head, making no effort to touch Michelle so as not to startle her. He continued to speak softly.“This is not your fault. None of this is. It doesn’t matter, okay? Stop apologising for something you had no control over. Please.”

Her arms wrapped around him, and she sobbed quietly into his shoulder.

“I hate this….I-I hate this so much.” She sniffled. “I want to be with you again, like we used to.”

“It’s just going to need a little more time, Michelle…there’s no rush. You’re home safe, that’s all I care about, Michelle, please.”

Grabbing at him now, she kissed him fully, wholly, almost as fully and wholly as she used to before everything had happened. For a second, he remembered that things were not always this way.

“Okay….okay…” He pulled back, smiling weakly.

Tony ghosted his hands over her hipbones. Michelle covered them with her own. She felt her underwear slide down from her hips, as his kisses continued to pepper down her body, to her thighs, and then between. Tony felt her tenderly, exploring her slowly, making every movement a testament to his devotion to her. He was slow, gentle, intentional, carefully making sure that Michelle had no reason to be afraid. He then sat himself up, checking again that she was still okay, before grabbing a bottle of lube from their bedside and pouring some into his hand and over himself. He wanted to do everything he could to not hurt her.

He then began to finger her, slowly opening her up, pulling back when she’d spasm, so she could ease into his touch. Her sighs lost their nervous quality and when her fingers joined his, he knew that she was okay. She tipped her head back, letting out a soft, sensual breath. Tony took it slowly, but Michelle was the one to increase the pace, allowing her newfound trust and need to consume her. Their fingers met circling at her clit, and she came suspiring into his mouth. Leaning back, the sly grin on his face, the one he always made, was only serving to keep her aroused. And he too, started to feel as though he could relax, seeing beautiful ecstasy and adoration pained on her face, seeing her fully trusting him in this moment.

Glancing down at his hardness, she nodded. 

Too scared to fully let his body’s weight drop on her, he entered her slowly. Her breathing shortened up, which he quickly followed with hoarse reminders that he was there. He groaned a little, feeling her tension, then cupped under her thighs, massaging them a little. Gradually she adjusted to his weight, willing to endure the pain for the sake of their intimacy, something she’d been wanting but too scared to have. They settled into a slow rhythm, panting and moaning, the mattress creaking beneath them. Again, he encouraged and assured her, so elated that they could do this again. Be there together, feel each other, need each other, trust each other. Tony continued to worship her passionately, making it known that over the last five years his love for her had never once faded. 

Not once did their mutual gaze break.

She came again with a cry of his name, a beg for him to stay, for them to never be apart again. He pressed his face into her neck, mumbling words of love and praise to her, before finishing inside her shortly after, to which she moaned. After a beat, listening to each of their breaths begin to even out, Tony felt one of her hands caress his cheek. 

“God, I love you.” She whispered.

“You have no idea.” His voice broke, moving up to kiss her once more.

He held her afterwards, safely nestled in his arms. Her heartbeat a rhythmic reminder that yes, she was alive, and yes, she was safe. The normality of the rate was a sign that she was finally adjusting to being back home, to being back where she belonged. Michelle’s fingers weren’t gripping tightly nor were her nails digging into his skin as though he’d disappear. She could trust in this moment, that he was here. She could trust in this moment that there existed someone in this world she could be completely open, and completely vulnerable around. That she wasn’t alone in this world.

And with that, with the way she softly fell asleep curled up to him, Tony knew there was a light at the end of the tunnel. 

That maybe they could find a new normal after all.

He found her glancing around the hallway looking at the photos, looking at all the reminders that she hadn’t been there to watch her son grow. It was Lucas’ sixth birthday today. Friends and family were there, chatting, laughing, celebrating. The sound of party horns and new toys being unwrapped from the other room dissipated as Jack walked towards Michelle. She’d seemingly fixated on one of the photos taken at the hospital, her fingertips trembling against the dark frame, a sad pout on her face. Lucas had taken to having Michelle in his life well. His routine hadn’t really changed after all. To him, Michelle was just one more loving, caring face he’d see before and after school. But Jack also knew that it wasn’t easy for Michelle to be constantly reminded of her absence in the earlier years. She was still learning so much about him. She was still adjusting and learning new things about the world, after spending so many years cut off and isolated. Sometimes it was just all too much, and neither he nor Tony could blame her. It just worried them both knowing how good she was at hiding, at how good she was at pretending to be okay, when deep down, she wasn’t. 

“You okay?”

Michelle sniffled.

“Come here…” He ushered her into his and Tony’s room, shutting the door softly.

“I…I’ve missed so much of his life, Jack.” She cried, quietly. “He’s suffered, he’s been in pain. There’s so much that I wasn’t there for. I-I never got to hold him, or watch him walk for the first time, hear his first words. I feel like an outsider looking in, how can I even call myself his mother?”

“You gave him life, Michelle. You’re the reason he ever had a chance. You stayed alive for him and for Tony. You fought for them.” He met her eyes, tearful and honest and still so lost. Even after several months of being home, he could still see a sense of misplace in her expression. Jack could tell that the overwhelming effort Michelle had been putting in to make up for time lost was taxing on her, but he admired her so much for it. Here she was, trying to still make sense of what had happened, how that had impacted her then, how it would impact her now, yet every spare ounce of energy she had, she devoted to her son. The same way Tony had pushed down his grief and pain over losing Michelle, because he understood that being there for Lucas was the most important thing to him. 

And Jack had very much emulated that strategy through his addiction recovery. Although Kim was his biological daughter, although she was his first child, and he would always love her and be there for her, she’d also suffered so much because of him. Because of CTU. Because of decisions he’d made. But Lucas hadn’t. Raising Lucas had proven to Jack that he was still capable of being a good parent and a good partner in spite of everything. Kim had made it clear, thankfully, that she didn’t resent him for it. In fact, she was proud that he’d turned his life around. And seeing their relationship establish solid ground after how many years spent fighting and keeping space, had only bolstered the drive to be better within Jack. She and Chase babysat him often too, and nothing brought more joy to Jack’s eyes than to see her care for Lucas, to see their relationship continue to form. She’d been supportive of him and Tony being together as well, grateful that neither of them were alone in their respective grief.

“I just don’t want you to think I’m using Lucas as a way to make up for not being there for you when you needed me.”

Kim shook her head. “Dad, I…I don’t think that way. The way I see it is both of us have been through a lot, neither of us dealt with it very well.”

Jack looked down into his lap.

“But now both of us are trying to heal, to find a purpose. Taking care of Angela with Chase and going to therapy are two of the best things that ever happened to me. And I know you feel the same way.” She took in a breath, her voice thin. “Because the truth is I haven’t seen you nearly as happy as you are with Tony and Lucas since before mom died.”

“I love him…” He said softly. 

She placed a hand on his shoulder. “I know you do. That’s why I could never resent you for how you’re spending your life. You’ve got someone that loves you, who’s taking care of you while you take care of him. What more could you want?”

“Just remember that you’ll always be my little girl, Kim, okay? I love you so much. Please don’t hesitate to ask me for anything, at any time, no matter how old you are.”

Kim pulled him in for a hug. “I love you too.”

But Michelle hadn’t had that. She only had now to make up for, and build a relationship with her son. And Jack could see Lucas had taken no time at all to warm up to her. He was overjoyed, in fact. He was blessed to now have three adults in his life who were there for him and who loved him. Yet in her eyes, she still chastised herself for not doing enough. Perhaps she maybe blamed herself, still, after all this time, for going into that hotel in the first place. Thinking back to a few weeks ago, when she’d attended one of Lucas’ routine check-up surgeries, he remembered how distraught she’d been.

“T-this is all my fault. It’s my fault our baby’s like this.” She clasped a hand over her mouth, trembling as she watched the nurse wheel the gurney out of the room.

Tony shook his head, Jack resting a hand on her shoulder. “No, it’s not, Michelle. You couldn’t have known, okay?”

“He doesn’t deserve to have to go through all of this. He’s too young, he’s too…”

“I know…” Jack and Tony said, almost simultaneously.

“He’s a strong kid, Michelle. He’s been a fighter since the day he was born.” Jack reassured Michelle, looking at her and Tony beside him. “Comes from his parents.” He mumbled to himself.

“And that includes you, Jack.” Tony said, always hating when Jack chastised himself in that way.

A few hours later, they’d returned him, a fresh scar on his chest. The doctors had been surprisingly pleased this time, less worried and hesitant in telling them that things were improving. It warmed Jack’s heart to see the pride Tony struggled to hide on his face when the doctor had said that Tony’s efforts in teaching and playing with him had also meant he was likely not going to need as much help at school as they initially thought. That despite every obstacle standing in his way, Lucas was pushing through them. It seemed as though they were finally coming out of the woods. And looking at the gradually returning fullness and brightness in Michelle’s face, he knew that he could say the same for her.

“But I haven’t been there for him, I haven’t had to suffer or worry the way that you and Tony have.”

Jack hugged her, slowly. “It’s not your fault, Michelle. What matters is that you have him now.”

“N-not just that. It’s the fact that, well, with all the procedures he’s had done, with all the things that are going to need checking.” She let out a shuddering sigh, wiping under her eyes. “It hit me the other day just how likely the possibility is that we will outlive this child.”

He sighed, audibly. “I know. The doctors have told us that the chances are small, but they’re there. It scares me every day. Tony’s even more protective than I am, if you can believe it. That’s why we try and just do the best we can. That’s why we just get everything checked like we’re supposed to.”

“But I haven’t been here, I haven’t been able to do my best, Jack.” Her voice croaked slightly. “I just want him to grow up as a normal kid, but I can’t look at him without thinking about the possibility of losing him. Jack…I can’t…we can’t lose our baby. Not after everything.” 

His voice wobbled a little as he spoke. “I-it’s hard. We agreed at the beginning we didn’t want to completely spoil him, wanted him to have a normal life. But then when we see his little face, his little body hooked up to ten different machines, how could we possibly not give him everything?” Jack cleared his throat, before whispering. “Just make the most of every day with him. That’s all we can do.”

“I don’t know how I’m going to be able to handle that.”

Tears were sliding slowly down Michelle’s cheeks. Jack found himself rubbing her shoulder gently. “I don’t either…” His voice was showing hints of vulnerability again. “You see, Michelle, knowing that I had Tony and Lucas to take care of was one of the biggest pushes for me through rehab. Moreso than Kim in some ways. Of course I love her just as much, but she didn’t need me the way they did. The point is…losing him might send me right back to the state I was when Teri died.”

She realised just how much pain and fear his voice was exuding. She recalled how downhill his life had turned when he’d lost Teri. She understood that his addiction and work was simply a big distraction from the pain. And that all rehab had done was give him a new, healthier distraction: his newfound family. At this moment, it was clear to Michelle how lucky she was. Yes, she’d missed the first five years of her son’s life. And yes, his health was far from perfect, much like hers. But she had him. And she had her husband. And she also had Jack. So she needed to make sure Jack knew he had them too.

“No.” She looked up at his confused expression. “Because the three of us will have each other. I promise you, Jack, I won’t let that happen to you. You, me, and Tony will be there to support each other. If that day comes, you won’t be alone, Jack.  I care about you, don’t forget that. You were the first familiar face I saw after years and years of darkness and despair. You’ll always be the one who saved me.”

Jack cracked a half-smile, kissing her on the forehead. “I care about you too. And I’m grateful every day that you’re letting me have this role in your son’s life. Because the truth is Michelle, he saved me.”

“Thank you so much.” She whispered. “Thank you for being there for both of them. Thank you for raising our son when I couldn’t.”

“He needed me, Michelle.“

Another tear formed at the corner of her eye. “A-all those years when I was there, it broke my heart to think about him on his own. To think about him grieving me when he didn’t need to, while trying to raise our son.” She suddenly pulled him tighter towards her. “Thank you for keeping our family whole.” Her voice cracked.

“They’re everything to me, Michelle. Being there for them has helped me to be closer to Kim too in a lot of ways. Helping Tony to raise Lucas seemed to fix a lot of things in my life. It gave me my life back.”

“You’re the one that’s been there for them these past five years, Jack. You have every right to be a part of their lives, of our lives.” She pulled back from the hug, caressing his cheek a little. “Besides, you were always going to be his godfather anyway, we just didn’t get the chance to tell you before everything happened.”

And Jack was reminded in this moment that his presence was welcomed and wanted. That they weren’t just keeping him around because of pity. No, Michelle, and Tony, really did want him in their lives, and in Lucas’. And for that, he couldn’t be more grateful.

“And another thing…” 

He quirked a brow at her.

“I’ve been thinking that…we’ve been going around this whole thing the wrong way.” She place her hands on his shoulders. “The way we’re doing things right now, I-I feel like it’s not helping either of us to feel less isolated in our relationships. It shouldn’t be you and Tony and then me and Tony. Why it can’t it just be you, me, and Tony together? I-I haven’t said anything to him yet, but what would you think of the four of us living together? You, me, Tony, and Lucas. That way we can be under one roof, no more moving around, it’ll be easier for Lucas too. I-I love you too, you know that right?”

Jack’s face grew concentrated in thought. To his silence, the rate of her voice sped up.

“I-I’m not saying this has to change the dynamic of our relationship, if you don’t feel the same way. I just thought that if-“

“No, no, Michelle…” He interrupted, a shy smile creeping across his face. “I think it’s a great idea.”

She smiled back, relieved, as he thumbed at her cheek. “Really?”

He nodded. “Yes, I love you as well. You’re important to me too. We’ll talk to Tony after, but for now, I think we should probably get back to the party. Don’t want Lucas running around looking for us, do we?” Jack motioned with his head to the door.

Smiling again, Michelle opened the door back to the hall.

“Everything okay?” Tony looked worried. “We’re about to cut the cake.”

Jack’s hand slid up to Michelle’s shoulder. “Yeah. Perfect, actually.”

And looking at the knowing smile between the two of them, Tony could trust that it was.