Time May Change Me, but I Can't Trace Time

When Michelle opened her eyes, she wondered whether she had just been in a deep sleep, the kind that induced dreams within dreams, and that now she was finally waking up for real. All she remembered was getting in her car, the sun on her back, the warm spring air, then, a bright light.

As she tried to take a breath now, she felt suffocated. There was something covering her head, like a burlap sack, based on the slight musky, earthy smell. A few rays of light poked through. Strong, rough hands pinned her wrists behind her back. A cold, round cylindrical object pressed between her shoulder blades, unmistakably, the barrel of a gun. 

Michelle jerked around, trying to free her hands. What the hell was going on? Where was Tony? She yelled in protest, before hearing two gunshots, then two subsequent thuds. The sudden release of the grip on her arms made her lose her balance and fall to the ground. Some voices were muttering quietly. None of them sounded like Tony, or anyone familiar. 

She went to yank the bag off her head, but someone did so for her. She blinked a few times, gauging her surroundings. This was not the front yard. There was grass and trees as far as the eye could see, much lusher and greener than their lawn was. The sky was blue. She couldn't hear anything other than some birds chirping and a faint, almost electrical hum. It felt peaceful, idyllic, even but, ironically, that did not allay her concerns. She didn't think she was in Los Angeles, or even… the United States. She didn't think she had passed out, but she must have lost consciousness for some time, because how else would she have travelled so far? 

Three bodies were on the ground, all bleeding out from gunshot wounds. Two of them had guns beside them; they had probably been the ones holding her. As her eyes cast downward to see if she recognised any of them, Michelle noticed she was not wearing the same clothes as before. It wasn't even something from her wardrobe. Frankly, it was so dated, she could probably find in a thrift store. When she looked at the last body, a pang struck her chest. For a second, she swore it was Tony, but it wasn't. She didn't know who he was at all, but somehow her body reacted like she did. Tears sprung to her eyes, both from fear and from being so confronted by this dead man. But why?

There was more muttering, and she observed two people inspecting the bodies, while three stood behind them. One grabbed a handheld radio seemingly as old as her clothes from the ground and tossed it to the blonde man standing over her. He was also armed, as was the woman next to him. They seemed worried. If they were somehow affiliated with the now-dead armed men, then they probably would have killed her by now, right? Still… she didn't recognise any of them, and she wasn't about to trust them just based on that.

The blonde held out his hand, saying, "Listen, sweetheart, we've got to get moving now."

Michelle looked him up and down. She wasn't going anywhere until she knew what was happening. "Who are you?"

"Our ship wrecked here on the way to Tahiti," he answered. "But that ain't important right now, because whoever's on the other end of this…" he held up the receiver, "those two might have called 'em before we saved you. We have to bury them."

Something about that immediately felt wrong. The sense of urgency and pull on her heartstrings from looking at the dead man increased. She knew him. She didn't know how, but she did, and she wouldn't leave his body here.

Michelle shook her head. "We have to bring Paul back with us," she found herself saying. Paul? How did she know his name was Paul?

The man who had picked up the radio turned towards Michelle, striking her with a more conscious sense of recognition.

"Baker?" she asked.

He seemed confused, but there was no doubt about it. As she looked at his face, she was only more confident it was Tom Baker, even though it had been some years since she had last seen him.

"Baker," Michelle repeated. "What's going on?"

"Jin here is no baker, honey," the man from before said, confused.

"No, Tom Baker," Michelle corrected. "He was a CTU field agent in LA before he transferred to Honolulu."

Again, the blonde man looked at the woman, who looked at Michelle with scepticism.

"Did you say CTU?" he asked. "As in… Counter Terrorist Unit CTU? Established in 1990-somethin'?"

Michelle nodded warily. Why did the year it was established matter?

"You're not from here, are you?" the woman postulated. There didn't seem to be any threat behind her voice, rather, ease. Why was the woman relieved that she had no idea where she was?

"From where?" Michelle said, more insistently. "Where the hell are we?"

"The million dollar question," another man uttered derisively. He looked a little less rugged than the blonde man and woman. For a start, he wasn't armed. Instead, he kept looking through a small notebook. Meanwhile, the fifth man still hadn't moved his hand from one of the dead bodies. His eyes were closed, like he was concentrating on something. It was almost like he was doing some kind of last rites ritual.

Michelle huffed. Every time one of these people spoke, the list of questions in her mind grew tenfold. She still couldn't understand why her heart ached when she looked at the man on the ground. She also couldn't understand why these people seemed to regard this place with familiarity yet couldn't answer the simple question of where it was.

The woman looked at her again, seemingly empathetic to her confusion. "What's your name?" she asked gently.

"My name is Michelle Dessler. Five minutes ago, I was in my driveway. Next thing I know, there's a white light, then someone's got a gun to my back and a bag over my head," she answered. "Can you please tell me who you are, where we are, and what's going on?"

The five people looked between each other again, like they were debating answering her question, which she did not like. She wished Tony were here. It would make her feel less crazy if he could witness this. But the reason she was so panicked, was, in part, because she had no idea where he was, either. She felt very flustered. Although nobody could give her an answer, she knew based on intuition that she was somewhere very far away and very unfamiliar, despite also believing that only minutes had passed since she had gotten in her car. The more she thought about Tony and replayed that moment, the less she could sense the aching in her chest that arose when she looked at the dead man. That sensation in her heart felt so disconnected from the rest of her. It was like it wasn't even her feeling, and somehow that made sense given that she definitely knew the man beside her was a stranger. But maybe these people could help her; they had saved her life, after all.

"It's a long story, and we don't have time to explain it, but what you need to understand is that nobody here can know that you're not from this time," the blonde man explained impatiently. "We're in this together now whether you like it or not."

She squinted at him. "What do you mean this time?"

"You came from 2007, right?" the man with the notebook asked. "We've travelled back in time to 1970-something."

Michelle blinked at him a few times. "We've what?" 

Before she could speak, the blonde man cut her off, saying, "Damn it, we don't have time for this." He held up the radio again for emphasis. "Just come with us, and keep your mouth shut, then we'll explain everything. We'll take the bodies with us, too."

He seemed frustrated, but Michelle could tell it was rooted in worry about their situation, rather than anger towards her for not being able to comprehend the ludicrous idea that they had travelled through time. Then again, it would explain how she had gotten from LA to wherever this was so quickly. She still had questions, and she wasn't about to trust anybody or get on board with this, but he had a point: if those people had been about to kill her, and they found out she was still alive... she couldn't get answers if she was dead.

"Fine," Michelle agreed, taking his hand to get to her feet and brushing the grass off herself. "Can I at least know your names, since now you know mine?"

"It's James," he answered, after a beat. "That's Juliet," he pointed at the woman, "and then that's Jin, Dan, and Miles," he finished, pointing at the man she swore could be Baker's twin brother, the man with the notebook, and the man who had been kneeling by the body.

"Don't worry if you forget," Miles said with a scoff. "He rarely calls anybody by their actual name."

"Shut up."

Michelle cocked a brow.

As they started walking, James stayed notably close to Juliet. Michelle observed the way they kept looking at each other, whispering when they thought nobody was watching. They were probably talking about her, or whatever their situation was. She didn't exactly blame them. They had as little reason to trust her as she did them. The other men each carried the bodies. She tried to avoid looking at the one who had elicited that strange reaction in her. Denying it was the only way she could feel like she was in control, but she would eventually have to figure it out.

She was grateful they were travelling as a group because if she had wandered around on her own, she certainly would have gotten lost. Everything seemed to stretch for miles. The scenery was beautiful, but she was far too anxious to appreciate it. She hoped she might see some kind of landmark that signified where exactly they were, but none appeared.

They approached a field with a ring of pylons. The sight made Michelle stop in her tracks without really understanding why. She found herself yelling for the others to stop, too, not of her volition. Somehow, she knew the field was dangerous, although again, like with the dead man, it felt simultaneously new to her. Michelle supposed that feeling she had tried to ignore wouldn't go without a fight. Whatever happened that transported her here… it seemed to have unlocked some level of knowledge and memory that she didn't really understand. But it came from the depths of her heart and gut, so she trusted it.

"The field needs to be turned off," Michelle explained, her voice almost robotic.

James furrowed his brow at her, and no longer seemed just concerned, but also very wary. "If you're not from here, how exactly do you know that?"

"I-I don't know. I swear."

"Do you know how to turn it off?" Juliet asked.

Michelle closed her eyes. She could visualise herself doing it. She could see her fingers deftly press a combination of numbers on a keypad located at the base of the nearest pylon. The image was a little fuzzy. If she thought about anything else, even for just a second, it disappeared. She tried her hardest to keep the memory there, uttering the numbers under her breath, before moving past Juliet to replicate the scene. It was a struggle. Despite how hard she was concentrating, she had to plant a hand on the ground to steady herself as a searing pain hit her forehead.

When she finished, she was only mostly convinced she had put the numbers in correctly. The others looked at her expectantly.

"I promise you, I've never been here before," she pleaded, voice shaking, desperate to assure them she was on their side. She didn't want to lose the only apparent allies she had. "I still couldn't tell you where we are. But, somehow, I… I knew that combination."

There was a pregnant pause before they started walking in lockstep. Nobody wanted to be the first one in there, it seemed. Michelle let go of a breath she didn't realise she had been holding, initially believing that everything was okay, before a horrible piercing tone rang out, knocking her and the others to the ground like bowling pins. Her hands came to cover her ears, but it was no use; the noise felt like it was drilling through her skull.

And, as Michelle lost consciousness, she realised the others would never trust her now because she couldn't even trust herself.

Sawyer had spent their brief walk struggling to decide whether he trusted Curls, as he had now dubbed her, but passing out after she had apparently disabled the sonic fence made him more sceptical. She had seemed genuinely confused about who and where she was. Their most plausible theory was that she had hit her head during her attempted execution and developed a form of amnesia. But she had mentioned CTU, something that shouldn't exist in 1974, the year they had collectively deduced they were in, so he doubted it was that simple. Nothing here ever was. 

Upon waking, Horace had interrogated them, but they had thankfully convinced him of their story — at least, convinced him enough not to kill them, just insist they get on the sub to Portland in two weeks. Sawyer had never been more grateful for his history as a con artist. It wasn't the first time it had saved him, and it wouldn't be the last. However, the five of them still had to be on high alert for anybody who could expose them as imposters. They had travelled back in time, and no matter what Daniel claimed about how whatever happened, had already happened, and they couldn't change it… he didn't exactly feel like dying to put his theory to the test. 

He and Juliet had managed to slip into the small medical bay, its technology only further confirming that they were not in post-Y2K times anymore. Curls was just waking up. Paul, the body she had identified, was lying on another bed beside her. His ears still rung from before. It was unfortunately similar to the noises he had heard before the plane crashed, and they weren't the fondest of memories to be recalling.

Horace's expression softened as he sat on the edge of her bed.

"Amy, what the hell were you doing so close to the edge?" Sawyer heard him ask.

Sawyer was surprised when Curls responded to him with familiarity, explaining, "Paul and I were having a picnic," her voice taking a slightly flat quality, like it had a few times when they had spoken, especially when she had claimed to know how to turn off the fence. "W-We didn't know we'd crossed the border, but," she took a shuddering breath, "oh my God, they killed him."

She sat up rapidly and pushed Horace aside, letting out a sob as she saw the other man, wrapping her arms around herself.

Sawyer turned away slightly, tilting towards Juliet so he could whisper in her ear, "I don't get it. One second, she's saying she's scared and has no idea where she is. Next second, she's trying to knock us out and crying over someone she reckoned she didn't know."

Juliet bit her lip. "I need to get a closer look. We'll give her a minute, then try to talk to her."

"You think she just hit her head?"

She shrugged. "When she said she was from our time, I believed her. I don't think she's hallucinating or showing signs of a concussion. And if it was a DHARMA thing, I feel like I at least would recognise her somehow. Are you sure she wasn't on your flight?"

He tutted. "I know every person who was on that plane. She ain't one of them."

"Alright, then, let's think logically about this. She said her name was Michelle and claimed she had no idea what was going on." She motioned with her head. "But then Horace called her Amy and now she's crying, but she's not questioning her surroundings. Whoever 'Amy' is, she's from the seventies. And since Horace seems to know her, she's part of DHARMA."

Sawyer furrowed his brow. "What? You're saying it's like Jekyll and Hyde?"

"Split personality disorder is a possibility. If she went through something traumatic, that could have brought it on, but…" she made a so-so motion, "if DHARMA knew about it, given we're in the seventies, they'd have her locked up. If Amy is just a personality of Michelle or vice versa, I don't think Horace would be talking to her like that. We have no idea what the effects of Ben turning the wheel are. Maybe it's to do with that. All we can do is ask her more about what she remembers before waking up here, and just pray that the right side of her is answering."

When Sawyer looked back, Horace was rubbing the woman's back almost tentatively. By the looks of it, he didn't see her as just a friend, but was in no position to make a move when she had just ostensibly lost her husband. She seemed a little receptive to it. Sawyer wondered how long Amy and Horace had known each other for. He was also a little on edge since they still didn't really know what the trigger was for the woman to switch between being Amy or Michelle. If she did so suddenly, she might react in a way to make Horace suspect that he and Juliet had done something to her, or that the sonic fence had, and then they would keep her in the hospital for treatment. They just needed a chance to talk to her. Getting information about Amy probably wouldn't be too difficult; there were some computers around, even if they were a little ancient, and they could ask any of the other DHARMA members. But they could only get information about Michelle from, well, Michelle.

Horace mentioned something about a truce and how they would need to return Paul's body. Amy was upset by that, but didn't seem too surprised. She took a wooden necklace from around Paul's neck, pausing only to kiss his forehead. The truce had to be between DHARMA and the Others.

Sawyer and Juliet waited for Horace to carry Paul's body out. They stayed quiet, pretending to grab some medical supplies from a cupboard, and, thankfully, Horace didn't notice. Then, they walked over to where Curls was, who had now sat back in her own bed, clutching the necklace tightly. 

Her eyes were bright with tears when she looked up at him and Juliet. She seemed a little afraid, like she wasn't comfortable being alone with them. It only further cemented the need to get through to Michelle. Otherwise, Amy might call for help or claim they were threatening her, which could make Horace change his mind.

Juliet sat where Horace had been before. "Michelle?" she said kindly.

Curls furrowed her brow. Juliet then repeated her name. She looked like she was about to speak, but then squeezed her eyes shut, placing her hand to her forehead. She winced in pain loud enough for Sawyer to worry whether someone might hear, but it only lasted a moment. 

When Curls opened her eyes again, she seemed disoriented and fearful.

"Where are we?"

Juliet quickly put her hand on Michelle's to stop her from moving instinctively. "You're in a medical bay at a place called the DHARMA Initiative," she then answered. Sawyer figured that was for the best; Juliet could explain things with a little more tact than he could. "The sonic fence wasn't disabled. We all passed out."

She shuffled back against the bed defensively, the pendant falling to her lap. "I-I swear it wasn't on purpose."

"We know," Sawyer said with assurance. "We think the island did something to you when it brought you here. It's not making you think straight."

"I still don't understand what you're saying. What do you mean the island brought me here? What island are we on?"

"Nobody really knows where it is," Juliet explained. "But it has special properties that are being researched by DHARMA. We figured out it can travel through time, and now we've ended up in 1974."

Michelle rested her head in her hands with a groan. She seemed like she wanted to ask another question, but couldn't figure out where to begin. He couldn't blame her. None of it sounded plausible, especially not to someone who hadn't lived through the insanity of the island. That was why it was so strange. If she wasn't from the flight, and Juliet believed she wasn't from DHARMA, then why was she here? It had to be something to do with whatever had happened to her in LA.

"Look, we don't have a lot of time," Juliet then said with worry. "Whatever happened to you… we believe it's making you dissociate and act as someone part of the DHARMA Initiative. I need you to tell me exactly what you remember from before you woke up here."

She lifted her head, seeming to understand the urgency. "I woke up next to my husband. His name is Tony Almeida. We were making breakfast, and saw on the news that David Palmer had been assassinated." She paused, her eyes crinkling slightly. "My husband and I worked for CTU for many years. David Palmer was very important to us. We were devastated. I… I wanted to go down to CTU and help with the investigation, but he didn't, so we argued about it."

"If Palmer was so important to you both, then why didn't your husband want to go help?" Sawyer asked.

Michelle sighed. "Because even though CTU is the place we met, it's also the place that tore us apart and nearly killed us, more than once. When we got back together, we agreed to stay away from it and go into private consulting. So, when I said I was going down there, he got scared, and I don't blame him." She wiped under her eye. "But I was… stubborn. I told him I was going there myself and that he could handle the meeting we had scheduled with a client on his own. I got in the car, then… that's when everything went white and I woke up with the bag on my head."

If only they could figure out what happened once she had gotten in her car. A car accident would have made sense, but if all she had done was start up the engine… then that made things trickier. However, one detail she had mentioned might help explain it. Although Sawyer had an understandable hesitance towards the government, he also had a pretty good idea about how it operated.

"So you and your husband were Feds?" he concluded, trying to sound calm, as opposed to sceptical. She was probably very good at reading people if she used to put terrorists away for a living. 

Michelle nodded. "Former Feds, but yes."

"Well, isn't it true that sometimes Feds or former Feds are caught up in 'accidents'," he said with air-quotes, "to keep them from talking?"

"You think something happened to me?"

Sawyer could tell she wasn't being completely transparent as a protective mechanism. It was fair enough. He knew from his own experience to never give full details unless asked directly, plausible deniability and all. But it was frustrating now when she could switch back to being Amy or someone could come in and ask them to leave at any second. 

He shrugged. "We've all heard the story of the acclaimed CIA or FBI or whatever-three-letter-combo-you-prefer agent suddenly having a self-destructing car."

"That would make sense…" she muttered. "But, what, instead of dying, I ended up here?"

"That's what we're still trying to figure out," Juliet clarified. "It's strange that you don't have a connection to DHARMA or Oceans Flight 815. Everyone else on this island is tied to one of those things."

Her posture straightened. "Wait, Flight 815? Like the Oceanic Six Flight 815?"

"Yeah."

She gaped at them. "You're telling me we're on that island? How the hell do we get off?"

Juliet sighed. "There's a submarine that leaves every two weeks. It goes back to a lab in Portland."

"Good, then I'm taking it," Michelle said decisively.

"And what exactly are you going to do in Oregon with a secret personality?" Sawyer pointed out. "We can't help you if you suddenly become Amy and freak the hell out about where you are."

Juliet shot him a warning look. He probably shouldn't be saying Amy, since the name seemed to be the only clear trigger for her switch in personality.

"Then what's the plan?" Michelle asked, seeming to understand that these memory lapses shouldn't be dealt with alone.

"We believe our friends, the other survivors of 815 and some people from present-day DHARMA, will figure out how to get here and help us."

Michelle slumped her shoulders. "So, we're just going to wait for them? We can't contact them or speed this up, we just have to wait? My husband probably thinks I'm dead. We need to fix this."

"I know," Juliet said with understanding. "But for now, we need to stay under the radar. Our story is that we capsized and washed up here on the way from Tahiti; they bought it, but we can't be sure they won't dig deeper. The good thing is, when you're in the mindset of…" she paused to consider her words, "the woman from DHARMA, you don't remember anything else, so that's fine. When she's in control, nobody will suspect anything. But when you're Michelle, keep your mouth shut. Nobody can know we're from the future."

"So that means no mentioning things like 9/11," Sawyer added. "No Berlin Wall. No Destiny's Child. No Top Gun. No Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go. Ford's president. Hell, John Lennon's still alive."

"I've been undercover before. I can handle it," Michelle assured with enough confidence for Sawyer to know she meant it and wasn't just saying it to make him back off. "Granted, not usually with zero preparation, but I'll be fine. I just… if you keep saying I can't control the switch, then what if your friends come and I'm still in the mindset of the other woman and won't go with you?"

That was a fair point. They needed to make this happen at will. The name thing was somewhat useful, but risky if someone just casually said it in conversation, especially since the switch seemed to be painful for her.

"Do you have any scars or birthmarks? Something that could trigger a memory and remind you of who you are?" Juliet suggested.

Michelle turned her palm over so it was facing up, then looked confused again. "I had a scar, I got a bad graze here."

"Hang on…" Juliet said, getting up and looking around the room for something. She commented that apparently DHARMA hadn't changed their filing and storage systems in thirty years, because she found what she wanted quickly: a small hand-mirror. She then returned to Michelle's bedside and held it up. "Do you still look the same? I'm trying to figure out if you're in the other woman's body."

She didn't appear shocked by her own face, so, clearly, that hadn't happened. But then why would Horace recognise her?

"Other than the clothes and the missing scar… I look the same." Michelle's head then shot up, her voice fraught with worry as she said, "Wait, I… I'm pregnant. What if the time jump did something to the baby?"

Juliet reacted to that more than she probably should have. Sawyer discreetly moved his hand to cover hers. From what he understood, she took every case of infertility on the island as her own personal failure, and she probably didn't want to have to inform Michelle of that.

"I'm an obstetrician; I can do an ultrasound to check," Juliet offered, making Michelle nod frantically.

Sawyer helped Juliet locate the equipment, very aware they could be interrupted, but if Horace believed Amy was just taking time to grieve the loss of her husband, then, hopefully, nobody would bother them. He then turned around to give them privacy. Michelle seemed comfortable around Juliet, but still somewhat cautious around him. And, if she was about to get terrible news, he didn't want her to feel worse from him gawking at her. 

He occupied himself by looking through some photos on the back walls. They seemed to be large group photos of the yearly recruits for DHARMA. Each photo was taken in front of the same part of the island. There were smiles and leis and khaki jumpsuits all round. The quality of the photo improved with each year. There was also a list of names below each photo. Sawyer scanned the text and found an Amy and Paul Roe listed in 1972. He looked up at the photo and found the two of them. They both looked a little younger, but there was no doubt they were the two people they had tried to rescue from the Others.

"You're not pregnant, Michelle."

"I… I lost the baby?" she uttered, voice wobbling.

Sawyer turned, still holding the photo, to see Juliet more confused than upset.

"No, no. There's no sign of miscarriage. You're just… not pregnant."

"How?"

Juliet seemed at a loss for words, which didn't make Michelle feel any better. But given what he had just seen, and the couple of other discrepancies, Sawyer realised he might have a theory.

"A woman named Amy Roe arrived with her husband, Paul, at DHARMA in 1972," Sawyer informed them, walking back over and placing the photo on the bed so she and Juliet could see. He pointed at the two faces in question. "She's a spittin' image of you. Or you are of her, I guess. The man next to her, is that your husband?"

Michelle shook her head. "I don't know him. I... a small part of me feels like I do, but that's definitely not Tony."

"Well, given that you don't have your scar, and you don't have the baby you left with, and you're not even wearing the same clothes… I think you're in this Amy Roe's body," Juliet concluded. "Which means, if we get you back to your time, before this happened, you'll be pregnant again because you'll be in your body."

Obviously, there was no real way of knowing whether she was correct. But it seemed to be enough for Michelle because she relaxed, now looking very resigned. She had a lot to process, understandably. 

A knock on the door, followed by Horace calling out, interrupted the sombre silence.

Juliet grabbed her by the shoulders and looked her in the eyes. "When you wake up, you're Amy. You're a member of the DHARMA Initiative. We saved your life, but you don't know us."

Her sudden urgency frightened Michelle, but after she repeated that a few times, Michelle slumped against the bed, her eyes shutting, face screwed up with tension. 

Sawyer helped Juliet put away the ultrasound equipment before they exited, finding Horace looking at them with suspicion. "What were you doing in there?"

"Amy wanted to thank us for saving her life. She's just resting now," Sawyer answered smoothly.

"We'll get out of your hair. We're sure you've got things to do," Juliet added with a smile.

Horace grunted in assent, seemingly not up for questioning them any further, and let them walk away.

"We're going to have to get close to Amy when she's alone again, without switching her to Michelle," Juliet whispered. "We need to befriend her. She might be our only key to not being forced onto that sub in two weeks."

Three Years Later

None of them had expected to stay here this long, but they had made it work. Michelle had had to accept that she couldn't put her life on hold waiting for a rescue that might never come. Of course, she doubted she would have gotten to that point without James and Juliet. Juliet, in particular, was a shoulder to cry on when she had days where she just wanted to be home with Tony. Furthermore, without the two of them, she was sure the DHARMA Initiative would have given her a lobotomy by now. It still terrified her that she could black out, emerge from consciousness as a person she didn't know, and then wake up without a clue of what had happened. The longer she stayed in one state of mind, the foggier her brain became in the other. Sometimes she still woke up as Amy, or, she believed she did, because her first memory of the day would be her sitting on the edge of her bed, reading a note that reminded her she was still Michelle Dessler somewhere inside. When James had proposed the idea, they had all joked about how similar it was to 50 First Dates — ironic, since that movie didn't exist yet. There was a corresponding note for when she needed to switch back to being Amy, or when she wanted to stay as Michelle but needed to pretend to be Amy. Admittedly, when she had felt the most hopeless, she had let herself slip back into being Amy for days, or sometimes weeks, at a time, figuring it would be easier that way.

That plan backfired when she ended up married to Horace Goodspeed and pregnant with his child.

She still remembered crying her eyes out in Juliet's arms, so overwhelmed by the memories of telling Tony she was pregnant, finding out they were having a boy, and then discovering when she woke up on the island that she was no longer pregnant. Even if she had lost some faith that someone would fix this and get her home, she didn't want her life to end. It was also difficult to think about going home when she was aware of the fact that she was now inextricably tied to this island and the DHARMA Initiative. She didn't know if she would be able to just pick up the pieces if she somehow made it back to present-day LA. What would happen to this baby? What would happen to Amy? Would Michelle remember any of it or would she carry it with her like some terrible secret?

Daniel had explained to her that time travel on the island didn't work like it did in the movies; there was no way to change what had already happened in the past. They believed that Amy was meant to have been executed by the hostiles of the island, the Others, as they had dubbed them in the present, and by intervening, they were only delaying her inevitable death. He also, unfortunately, believed that based on Sawyer's proposal of her car having blown up in LA, Michelle was dead, too. Despite that theory, they needed to find a way to undo this. It wasn't just for her sake; from what she had heard from Daniel, James, Juliet, Miles, and Jin (who she still had to remind herself not to call Tom) the crash of Oceanic Flight 815 had caused a lot of tragedy for them, understandably. This island was the source of many of their problems, although all of them seemed to have some kind of troubled past, too, which they been able to bond over; their stories were all very different, but the common elements of grief and trauma had created a sense of empathy that Michelle so rarely got from people who didn't work in defence.

It was a good thing Horace tended to work late because it usually gave her a chance to talk to James or Juliet in peace. She was in her familiar seat on their couch, pouring her heart out.

"I don't know what I'm going to do when this baby comes, James," Michelle lamented. "I want to be a good mother, even if it's technically Amy's child and not mine. At the same time, the more attachments I make here, the more complicated things get, and…" she sighed, "God, I'm so tired."

"I know. I'm sorry."

Beneath his tough, wise-cracking exterior, James did in fact have a heart, a big one. Michelle knew that he and Juliet had become closer in a way that, for them, probably meant that they could stay in this time and at the DHARMA Initiative for the rest of their lives. At first, it had worried her. She had wondered whether they might lose motivation to get off the island, but they had clarified that that was not the case and maintained their sympathy for her, because she wasn't supposed to be in this situation. They had been on the island to start with; she hadn't. It wasn't just them, though. Jin had a wife that he wanted to find. Daniel's girlfriend, Charlotte, had died in one of the time jumps before they had settled in the seventies. And as for Miles, he didn't have a lover he was trying to get back to, but he had to grapple with seeing the younger version of his father, who obviously had no idea that he was his adult son.

"I'm not supposed to be doing this." Michelle frowned. "I'm not supposed to be a surrogate on a deserted island in the seventies. I'm supposed to be with my husband in my time. Our…" She sniffled. "Our son would have been a toddler by now. We were safe. We were happy. God… why did these things have to happen to me?" She then gestured to him. "And I feel so terrible for complaining to you. You and Juliet have done so much for me, when most people wouldn't, and you need to know that I appreciate it so much."

"We're going to protect you, Michelle," James assured. "Just like we promised."

As Michelle went to stand, she was hit with what could only be a contraction. She fell back against the couch, moaning in pain. Although she had had contractions on and off in her third trimester, this was much more painful and prolonged than usual, which made her worry, especially since she wasn't due for two weeks. 

James was quick to get up and help her into a better position. "I'm going to get Juliet. I'm not going to let anybody else touch you. Just hold on."

He went to leave, but Michelle called for him urgently. "Don't…" she said, looking at him and taking a shuddering breath. "Don't let me remember this. I… I don't want to sit here and think about how it wasn't supposed to happen this way. Let Amy handle it. It's her baby, not mine."

His lips pressed together hesitantly, but he ultimately agreed with her because he met her eyes to trigger the switch. 

When Michelle next woke, it was to the sound of a crying baby — her crying baby. She wasn't sure how many days it had been, but she wasn't in the clinic, so it had obviously been long enough for them to discharge her.

She stood and went to tend to the baby, the baby blue of his pyjamas making her heart ache. No matter how much she tried to avoid it, thoughts of her and Tony came to the front of her mind, how she was supposed to be happy, how she was supposed to feel nothing but endless adoration for this child but she didn't because it wasn't hers. She hated herself for it. She wanted to care, at least for his sake; the baby was an innocent victim of this mess. But she knew she was simply protecting herself from getting attached to something that might interfere with her ability to leave the island.

Michelle noticed that his birth certificate on the side table read Ethan Goodspeed. Hopefully Ethan couldn't tell that the person holding him right now was not actually his mother. She managed to get him to fall back asleep before Horace could wake and try to help her. Then, Michelle walked as quickly as she could into the bathroom so she could surrender to the tears she'd been fighting. She just wanted to go home. Now more than ever, when the universe was so painfully reminding her of what she was supposed to have had, she wanted to go home. This was her fault, not entirely, but to a degree. If she hadn't fought with Tony, they both would have gotten in that car for their meeting later. Maybe all of this would have happened regardless, but at least they would have been together.

Caring for Ethan became something of a distraction over the following weeks. It made her feel purposeful. It wasn't that she hadn't been productive before her pregnancy: Amy was a researcher for DHARMA and Michelle had genuinely enjoyed some of the work, having to rely on knowledge from some of the science classes she had taken back in college notwithstanding. But looking after the baby was more of an active occupation. 

After sitting in on a meeting with Horace, James, and some of the other DHARMA members in the morning, with everyone's insistence on giving her time with the baby, Michelle ended up in a hammock, holding a sleeping Ethan to her chest.

Juliet came over to her with a soft smile, but Michelle knew that beneath her outer kindness, something was wrong. She hadn't seen her at all since going into labour.

"What is it?" Michelle asked quietly, turning her head to see if anybody else was around but they were too far to be within earshot. "Juliet, did something happen with me or the baby while I wasn't in control?"

"You're both fine," she answered quickly and assuredly, before sighing and saying, "but when I saw what Amy and Horace named him, I realised I've met the grown-up version of him in the present. Ethan is going to become someone very dangerous, someone who will do horrible things." Her expression became forlorn. "A-And because of how time travel works, there's nothing we can do to stop that. It's not your fault, not at all. It's just… it's hard."

Michelle felt her stomach sink. She felt like she should do something, but she was also aware that they didn't really know what they were dealing with. Going with the flow was probably the best and only way to stay alive. At the same time, if she was going to, in part, raise this child… maybe she could intervene. Some of the horrible things Juliet mentioned could happen anyway, but maybe not by Ethan's hand. It made her hyperaware of the responsibility she had for this child. She wondered whether her resigned and slightly detached behaviour could put him on the wrong path. Had Amy suffered from some kind of postpartum depression, too? Or would something happen on the island, something traumatic that might affect Ethan's development? Michelle's mind ran wild with possibilities, particularly those that she might have a role in.

"Michelle, it's okay," Juliet said quietly, placing a hand on hers and stopping her in her spiral. "There's nothing you can do."

"I have to," she insisted. "If we don't get out of here and I end up rasing him, I have to do something to stop him from becoming a monster."

"Daniel said it's not possible–"

"I don't care," Michelle refuted, tears welling in her eyes. Juliet was her friend. She had done so much for her, the least she could do was try to change things so she wouldn't have to suffer again. "I have to try. I have to make him a good person."

Juliet seemed to appreciate to her determination, but shook her head. "Michelle, as far as I'm concerned, whether you're in charge, or Amy, I don't know if there's anything you can do. You're both very kind, and very insightful, and loyal to the people you care about. You're going to do your best, but we don't need to worry about this for long because our friends will be here." She put a hand on her shoulder. "We're going to get you back to the present. You're going to be pregnant with Tony's child, and you're going to be okay. This isn't your responsibility. You were brought into this without warning. Please, don't put this on yourself."

Michelle met her eyes, now struggling to keep her composure. "How long are we supposed to wait, Juliet? Maybe this time jump was a one-off and can't be replicated. Maybe we are just stuck here."

"Don't say that–" 

"You and James have a life together now," Michelle pointed out. "We all do. We'll just… we'll just make do, like we have been."

Juliet looked down, her eyes crinkling, not exactly able to refute that.

In her peripheral vision, she saw James walking over to them, warily looking around to make sure nobody stopped him. Michelle could tell he was hiding something beneath his stern expression. It was the opposite of what she had seen in Juliet; Juliet had been trying to conceal bad news, James appeared to be concealing… good news?

"They're here," he uttered.

Juliet furrowed her brow. "Who?"

"The survivors." James looked at Michelle with a hint of a smile. "Our friends from the present. Jin's found them."

They had worked swiftly to ensure that Jack, Kate, and Hurley would blend in with the rest of the DHARMA people, and, thankfully, it was working. Nobody suspected anything. The biggest challenge, really, was trying not to grin from ear to ear because having their friends here meant they were closer to getting out of here and back to 2007. They were mainly happy about this for Michelle's sake; they both cared a lot about her and were glad that she had a chance of getting back to her life.

Amy had been the one to process the survivors into DHARMA, but now that they had a quiet moment, they could meet Michelle and understand that there was more to this damn island than they thought. Really, her story was borderline terrifying. Forget wild boars; if turning the wheel could pluck people from their livelihoods and take them to the island, people who had nothing to do with the crash or DHARMA, then they had to be careful. They needed to somehow ensure they wouldn't send more people here, all the while praying they didn't end up horribly mangled from jumping through time. He never thought he would say it, but they needed Daniel badly. He had gone back to Portland to research time travel and DHARMA's capabilities. Hopefully, he would be back here soon with answers.

Everything was very tense and awkward as they waited. Hurley had tried and failed to start small talk about five times. Sawyer and Jack were pointedly avoiding each other's gaze. They had had a stiff conversation about who was taking the lead here. Sawyer had put his foot down and insisted that he be in control since he had been here long enough to have the trust of the other DHARMA members. Jack might have been their leader when the plane had first crashed, but that was then, and this was now. Sure, it flattered his ego to have some respect and authority, but that wasn't the point.

"Seriously, what's going on, Sawyer?" Jack asked. "Where's Juliet?"

"She's coming, alright?" he replied impatiently. "It'll all make sense in a minute."

As if on cue, the door opened, revealing the dark night sky — he had truly come to learn the impact of LA's light pollution since being here — followed by Juliet, Michelle (he presumed the delay had been to make sure she was in control, sometimes it took a while), and baby Ethan. Although the walls were thin and the houses were quite close to each other, it was probably better that Michelle hold Ethan so she could tend to him and keep his crying to a minimum. 

Jack, Kate, and Hurley reacted with panicked confusion to her presence.

"It's okay, she's with us," Juliet assured, shutting the door behind them. "She isn't the same person who registered you beforehand."

Kate furrowed her brow. "Yes, she is. I spoke to her personally. Amy, right?"

Michelle shook her head. "I'm not…" she let out a breath, "I'm not Amy. At least, not all the time." She proceeded to give an abridged explanation of who she was and how she had gotten here. Although it was a complicated tale, they had all been through enough to not be too fazed.

Hurley, however, couldn't stop staring at her. He wasn't ogling, nor was he looking at the baby, just weirdly deep in thought.

"Something on your mind, Hurley?" Jack asked.

"You look really familiar, and I can't figure out why," Hurley answered, looking at Michelle.

Michelle's eyes narrowed slightly. "My memory might be hazy sometimes, but I don't think we've met before."

After a moment, Hurley's eyes lit up, and he exclaimed, "Oh! Dude, didn't your husband, like, totally commit treason for you?" 

Michelle huffed, slightly humoured by that, but Sawyer knew that her husband's imprisonment, and everything that had followed, had been a difficult time for her. "So you were off the island to hear about that, were you?" she said drily.

Jack seemed to be familiar with that, too, and found it somehow amusing, laughing a little, making Michelle turn towards him. 

"I, uh, I think I spoke to your husband once," Jack explained. "When that virus outbreak happened, I was consulting for NHS. They patched me through to the agent in charge of CTU. I remember thinking it would be to do with establishing quarantine protocols, but I just got a very angry guy demanding I find a cure because his wife was in the hotel. So I guess you were the wife."

She smiled wanly, nodding as she said, "Yeah, that sounds like him." 

Sawyer wanted to change the topic quickly, both for the sake of Michelle and their limited time, but before he could do so, the sound of people yelling outside made him whip his head around. One of them sounded like Horace, making him and Juliet look at Michelle worriedly. Having gotten so used to it, neither of them needed to say anything. Juliet wordlessly took Ethan from her while Sawyer started saying the usual phrases to Michelle to snap her back into Amy. There was the usual moment of confusion. Juliet smoothly explained to Amy that she had come to her and James because she thought the baby was running a temperature, but he was fine. Amy didn't question it. They had worked very hard to gain her trust as well as Michelle's through all of this, and it had paid off. 

After she walked outside and called for Horace, Sawyer let out a breath he hadn't realised he was holding. They might have gotten good at this, but it never failed to worry them that they hadn't done it properly and that Amy would accuse them of manipulating or hurting her. It was so routine for them that Sawyer was almost confused by the look on Jack, Kate, and Hurley's faces.

"What?" Sawyer asked.

"I've never seen anybody with multiple personalities trigger a switch so quickly," Jack said with curiosity before making a so-so motion with his head. "Then again, I guess this isn't a disorder, it's some kind of island thing."

"LaFleur!" Horace yelled from outside. What the hell was going on?

Sawyer came to the door, throwing on a nearby robe to look like he had just gotten out of bed, telling the others to move out of sight.

"What's up?" Sawyer asked.

"We've got a hostile. He's breached the perimeter!"

"I'll be there in a sec."

Lots of people were coming out of their houses because of the noise, allowing Jack, Kate, and Hurley to slip out unnoticed.

He then followed Horace to where a few other DHARMA members, including Jin, had restrained a man. Sawyer was instantly struck with familiarity, but it was only when the man looked up that Sawyer realised who he was looking at: Sayid.

Son of a bitch. Why hadn't he come with Jack, Kate, and Hurley? Presumably, something had gone wrong, but that didn't matter right now because he had to be very careful in how he regarded him. There was no way he could prove that Sayid was part of the DHARMA recruits if he had been caught sneaking around in the jungle. And as much as he wanted to assure Sayid he would figure something out, he couldn't exactly act like he knew him. He and Juliet had worked very hard to gain Horace's trust. If he messed up now, he could jeopardise everything, most of all, for Michelle.

"I want to talk to him. Put him in the basement of The Flame," Sawyer ordered, meeting Sayid's eyes and hoping that he would understand.

The DHARMA members obeyed his command, giving Sawyer a chance to think about how he would 'interrogate' him. Thankfully, the state of technology meant there was no audio feed connected to the camera. He could say what he needed to say so long as he could be alone with him. 

As he followed the DHARMA members holding Sayid, he stopped by the house where Juliet stood, observing silently. She met his eyes with concern.

Sawyer told them he would be there in a moment. Luckily, when he was stressed like this, people tended to leave him alone and do whatever he said in fear of his short fuse.

"What is it?" Juliet asked quietly as he came to the porch.

"God damn Sayid is here," he explained gruffly. "Radzinsky and Horace think he's one of the Others."

Her eyes widened. "How did he get here?"

"That's what I'm about to find out," he muttered. "Just go back inside."

When Sawyer came to the small, dark, musty holding room of The Flame, he noticed Sayid was covered in grass stains and dirt. They had obviously been rough with him when they had arrested him. Radzinsky stood by, calling him a barbaric spy and threatening him, but Sayid was stoic. Horace was also there, his arms folded.

"Give us the room, would you?" Sawyer asked.

"Are you sure, LaFleur? This man looks dangerous. He's a hostile–"

"I said give us the room," he insisted, and both men decided not to fight him any further.

Sawyer pulled up a nearby stool and took a seat, sighing. "How the hell did you get here?"

"Same as Kate, Hurley, and Jack."

"Then why didn't you come with them for Christ's sake?" Sawyer hissed. "We could have initiated you into DHARMA. Now I have to pretend you're a criminal."

"The plane didn't exactly land in a neat little circle, Sawyer," he explained sardonically. "Sorry, LaFleur."

Sawyer narrowed his eyes at him. "Look, here, mister. Juliet and I have been here for the last three years. The folks at DHARMA trust us, which means you need to stay quiet until we can figure out a way for us to all get back home."

He seemed affronted by that detail. "What do you mean, three years?"

Sawyer huffed. "It's a long story, and we'll explain later, but for now, you need to cooperate with me and act like you're defecting. They think you're one of the Others. If we put together some nice backstory about you being real keen to join DHARMA, then hopefully they let you in."

"I'm not doing anything until I know what's going on."

He cursed under his breath. "God damn it, will you just listen to me? If you don't go along with this, they'll kill you. Then there's no going back."

Before Sayid could attempt to be stubborn yet again, there was a knock at the door.

"Everything alright in there?" Horace asked.

"Yeah, it's fine."

He shot Sayid one more warning look, hoping that he would get the message of If you make this any more difficult than it already is, I will personally torture you, you son of a bitch. Then, he walked out and shut the door, finding that it wasn't too hard to pretend to look frustrated.

"Bastard claims he wants to join DHARMA, and he's rebelling against the tribes, but I'll wait until morning to figure out why," Sawyer explained. "You should go back to Amy, she said she was worried about the baby."

The mention of Amy's name made Horace's expression soften. "I'll call it a night then."

"Suit yourself," Radzinsky said, holding a baseball bat in his hands. "I'm having my turn."

Sawyer tried not to grimace. As much as he wanted to hit Sayid with a baseball bat sometimes, including now, he wasn't about to let Radzinsky do it. 

He grabbed Radzinsky's arm. "I said I've got it handled," he repeated with a growl. "He's talking to me. He said it's a long story, but he's too tired to get through it. If you start beating him up, he'll be too damn concussed to talk. Leave him be."

"He's a damn hostile, Jim–"

Unable to maintain his composure any longer, Sawyer shoved Radzinsky against the wall, the baseball bat dropping with a clang. "Go in there and I'll hit you with the bat, understand?"

Radzinsky nodded shakily — he really was all bark and no bite.

As Sawyer left to return to Juliet, all he could hope was that Sayid would go along with their plan, otherwise, they were doomed.

Ever since the other survivors from Oceanic Flight 815 had arrived, Michelle had noticed a change in Juliet's demeanour. When Juliet looked at James, it was like she was trying to capture every glance because she knew she was about to lose him. Juliet had also become very quiet and non-confrontational, mostly with Kate, and especially when she, Kate, and James were in the same room. 

Although Juliet had been nothing but a good friend to Michelle, over time, she knew that her desire to get away from the island had waned. It wasn't so mutual anymore. She and James had a life here. They had purpose. They had each other. Michelle couldn't fault them for not wanting to leave. She had wondered whether they would figure out a way to just send her back to the present, consequences of having two versions of herself in the same time be damned, but that was a moot point now. The other survivors were here to help them all get home.

However, if they were going to work together and make sure that the survivors blended in with DHARMA, then they had to be open with each other, otherwise it jeopardised everything. She knew this well from CTU, not just her and Tony, but everyone. It was why she had always appreciated Chloe's direct honesty; if she had a problem, she told the person directly, and that was that. If James and Juliet weren't on the same page, then someone could slip up and blow their cover completely. 

So, when they had an afternoon break, Michelle decided to see if she could get through to her.

"Juliet?" Michelle said, breaking the silence between them, keeping her voice quiet as she finished breastfeeding the baby. "Can I ask you something about the other survivors?"

She nodded.

"Did something happen? Between you and Kate, or… James and Kate?"

"It's not a big deal, it's just…" Juliet sighed, looking down into her lap. "James and Kate were together for a bit, so it's just awkward, that's all," she said unconvincingly.

Michelle softened her expression as she noticed Juliet was on the verge of tears. 

Juliet wiped under her eyes hastily. "I-It hit me today that it's over," she said, her voice weak. "Me and James. Playing house. All of it. We're going to go back to how we were, and we're not going to be together, and… it's fine. I just– I shouldn't have let this go on. We should have done something sooner–"

Michelle shook her head and cut her off gently, insisting, "No, it's okay. You and James have done so much for me. I don't know what would have happened to me without you both."

She smiled through her tears. "We're glad to have been here for you. I… I never stopped wanting to get you home. I just thought that me and James could stay. I-I had it all planned out in my head. We would help Horace raise Ethan, we would come up with a story if Amy didn't somehow stay behind, a-and then maybe Sawyer and I would have had kids, too, so Ethan would grow up with good people around him and not turn out the way he did, and–" 

Her voice raced, and she lost control of her breathing. Since Michelle had put Ethan down in his carrier, she shuffled down the couch to hug Juliet as she started crying.

"Maybe we can still make that work," Michelle suggested. I"f you trust the other survivors, then so do I. I could get back to the present with them, and you and James could stay here like you want."

Juliet shrugged. "I don't know. I-I just feel like he doesn't want this anymore. Like I was just a… replacement for Kate, and I was an idiot to think otherwise."

Michelle passed her some tissues. "Juliet, regardless of what he had with Kate, he loves you," she affirmed. "If you're meant to be, then regardless of what happens now, you'll find each other. When Tony and I got divorced, I thought that was it for us, but… fate brought us back together again." She smiled bittersweetly. "I never used to be someone who believed in that kind of thing, but after that day happened… and I nearly lost him again, I realised it had to have been for a reason. The chances of it all lining up like that were so slim. So, if you ask me, if Tony and I could somehow reunite like that in regular LA, then, on a time-travelling island in the middle of nowhere, I'm sure it's possible that you and James will find a way to be together."

She sniffled, meeting her eye. "I hope you're right."

"And, as for having kids, despite how much of a tough guy James pretends to be, I've caught him playing Peek-a-Boo with the baby when nobody's looking — more than once. I'm sure if you had a conversation…"

Juliet laughed through her nose. "You know, it's funny. When, uh, Amy, was holding the baby the other day, she asked me, When are you and Jim going to have one of these? And that was what made me realise how badly I wanted that with him. But maybe it doesn't have to be here. Maybe, wherever we end up, it'll happen. Maybe I just need to stop being so stubborn about the idea of it happening here." She sounded a little more optimistic, making the corners of Michelle's lips upturn.

James then burst through the door, startling them both. He looked very stressed. She knew that one of their other survivor friends had been arrested and accused of being a hostile, but hadn't heard much since.

"God, damn-" he noticed Ethan in his crib and lowered his voice immediately, "it."

"What's wrong?" Juliet asked.

"Sayid won't cooperate, that's what's wrong. Went to see him this morning. Somehow he became more of a stubborn ass overnight, and now he's refusing to go along with the story that he's defected and wants to join us."

Juliet furrowed her brow. "What? Did Radzinsky go too hard on him?"

"No. Twelve-year-old Benjamin Linus brought him a sandwich."

Michelle had heard about Ben and what he had done to the survivors. She couldn't imagine seeing, say, a twelve-year-old Stephen Saunders. She wouldn't know how to feel. But given what she knew about Sayid, namely that his story reminded her very much of Jack Bauer, it was likely he had the same inability to put his anger aside in favour of reason.

"Let me talk to him," Michelle offered. "Not Amy, me. Even if you already told him about my situation, he might react differently if he sees my face."

"Michelle, he's a torturer. He won't break. That's his whole schtick."

"And I used to work with torturers, James," she pointed out. "Let me try, please."

"Alright," he conceded with a sigh. "Let me go distract Horace and Radzinsky. When they're both outside, get in and out of The Flame as fast as possible."

Michelle nodded. Her work at DHARMA might have mostly consisted of research and lab experiments, reminding her of her days stuck behind a desk at DARPA way back when, but her field and people skills were still tucked in the back of her mind somewhere. She could do this. She had to. She wouldn't let what might be her only chance of rescue slip by. 

She left Ethan with Juliet and waited for James to set up his diversion before walking into The Flame. She was grateful for the detailed notes James and Juliet had left her over the years because she knew the structure of DHARMA like the back of her hand, regardless of who was in control.

Sayid looked up at her with confusion for a moment before looking down again. Michelle took a seat across from him.

"My name is Michelle Dessler. Well, sometimes it is. I ended up on the island when Ben turned the wheel and put the island back in time."

"I know," he said, still not looking up. "Sawyer told me."

She had only heard Juliet call James 'Sawyer' a few times. She knew the story of why. But since he had introduced himself as James, and that was part of his cover, that was what Michelle had always called him.

"Then you understand why you need to cooperate with this plan so we can incorporate you into DHARMA and get back to the present," Michelle spoke calmly and plainly, the way she always did at first when interrogating someone difficult. A few of her former coworkers might disagree, but some people responded better to a bit of empathy, rather than outright aggression.

"No, you don't understand," Sayid rebutted bluntly. "I have a chance to stop Ben from growing up into a monster."

"Didn't James explain to you that we can't change anything?"

He squared his jaw. "He did. But it won't stop me from trying."

The way his voice hardened meant to Michelle he intended to do the one thing that very well could change things.

"You plan to kill him, the younger version of Ben Linus."

He nodded slightly, then commented, "You don't seem fazed."

"I used to be a counterterrorist agent, not many things do anymore." She smiled. "You remind me a lot of a friend I had before I came to the island. His name was Jack Bauer." 

She remembered struggling to use the past tense to refer to Jack after he went into hiding. He wasn't dead, but since she would likely never see him again, he may as well be. Still, she tried to imagine where he might be, likely on some ranch in a prairie or a snow-covered cabin or maybe down by the coast so he could get back to the surfing he loved but never had the time for. In this context, though, the past tense also corresponded to her old life. She yearned for the day when it would be her present again.

"He lost his wife. He lost a lot of people he cared about, sometimes by his own hand. He was…" she sighed, "a torturer, just like you. People were scared of him. But he wasn't a bad man. Even when he did some things that scared people, he was always trying to work for the greater good. He was selfless. Any time he tried to do one thing, just one thing, for himself, he was berated for it. It was always so unfair, and so wrong. The main thing that comes to mind is the day he killed the woman who murdered his wife." 

Her eyes crinkled, not because it was a happy memory but because she remembered consoling Kim for just a moment after it happened. She remembered how she and Tony had been there for her after Jack faked his death. She hoped that Kim was doing better now than she had been then.

"It didn't help him," Michelle explained, praying any of this would get through to Sayid. "I'm not saying that from some kind of virtuous or ethical perspective. I'm saying that whatever you think it'll do, it won't make you feel better. I know Ben's done terrible things. Under any other circumstances, maybe I would look the other way, maybe I would let you convince me to stay out of it and that I didn't understand, but I can't."

Sayid not having said anything or interrupted her was hopefully a good sign. Or maybe he had just made up his mind and there was no convincing him.

"Please. I… I need to get to my husband, and my son, and my life," Michelle beseeched. "I'm not supposed to be here. I can't keep living as two different people. Even if you want to find another way to kill Ben and somehow prevent your future, I don't care, just…" she took a shuddering breath, "just give me a chance to go home."

Sayid finally met her gaze. His eyes bored into her like he was deciding whether to believe her. When she looked back, she saw a troubled man, a man who had made mistakes with dire consequences, a man who had lost a lot more than he had ever loved.

"Alright," he conceded, making her body flood with relief. "I'll go along with what Sawyer proposed. It's not fair for you to be caught up in this. You deserve to go home with your family."

"Thank you," she breathed. "Thank you, Sayid."

"Just don't make me regret it," he warned.

Michelle smiled a little. "I hope we won't."

Sawyer didn't realise how attached he was to his little life here in the DHARMA Initiative until Daniel resurfaced and it struck him with panic. He knew that, ultimately, they had to get off the island and go back to the time they were meant to be in. But it was so difficult to accept that because the seventies had given him so much more than the present ever could. He had a home. He had a purpose. He had respect. He had Juliet. He had Michelle, and he had even come to tolerate Horace — although Radzinsky still pissed him off as much as he had when they first met. He was also aware Juliet seemed just as upset by the prospect of losing everything, but that appeared somewhat correlated with Kate's presence. Although Kate being here had brought up some memories, it hadn't changed, rather, it had only reinforced how much he loved Juliet.

Daniel claimed he had compelling evidence that a disaster would occur, and that it had something to do with the Swan Station. He rescinded his claim that everything was set in its ways and believed that they could, in fact, change the future if they tried hard enough. A small, bitter part of Sawyer wondered whether this disaster would have happened if the other survivors hadn't come here, whether he, Juliet, and Michelle could have continued their idyllic little life and just found a way to send Michelle home, righteously. Despite becoming more and more comfortable here, he had never wanted to go back on his promise to get her back to the present. From what she had told them both about her past, she damn well deserved to get her life back.

Sawyer folded his arms as Daniel continued to speak. He was so grateful Sayid had listened to Michelle and decided to cooperate; he didn't want to think about how difficult it would be to plan a total shift in their timeline if DHARMA still saw Sayid as a hostile. Although even with the complete trust of DHARMA, the plan was insane. Daniel was proposing they detonate the hydrogen bomb buried twenty-odd years ago to prevent the construction of The Swan. From there, if the Swan wasn't constructed, the pocket of energy wouldn't require Desmond to press the button. Then, Desmond would never fail to press the button, so Oceanic Flight 815 would never crash. When he mentioned that, Sawyer furrowed his brow, confused.

"I don't get it. Why don't you want the plane to crash?" Jack asked, seeming to share his scepticism.

Daniel sighed, looking at the ground as he explained, "Because if 815 doesn't crash, Charles Widmore's team doesn't see it. Widmore doesn't see it, Charlotte and I," his voice broke when he said her name "don't come here, so… Charlotte doesn't die."

Some people's expressions softened. But Sawyer was already hesitant enough, so to think this was predominantly for Daniel's personal gain didn't exactly make him feel better.

"What? You want to do all this just to get your girl back, no matter the consequences?"

He pressed his lips together. "It's not just her. A lot of people would be safe or alive if the plane didn't crash." He looked at Michelle, before adding, "Including you."

Michelle furrowed her brow. "How? I wasn't on the plane."

Daniel smiled a little. Sawyer had known him long enough to recognise that smile meant he was about to bring up something related to quantum mechanics. "Have you heard of the butterfly effect?"

She nodded warily. "A butterfly flaps its wings and causes a hurricane on the other side of the world. Something like that, right?"

"That's right. 815 was headed for Los Angeles. 324 passengers. One of them has to influence the chain of events somehow and stop your car from bringing you here. It doesn't matter how: what matters is that it's possible."

Michelle took a moment to digest that theory. Sawyer recognised that if they had a chance, they had to take it. But what if something went wrong? He couldn't imagine the DHARMA folks would be too happy about them trying to blow up The Swan. What if they got killed in the process? Then what? 

"I mean…" Michelle said. "Blowing up The Swan is all we have, right? There is no other plan. This is our only chance of getting back to the present-day and where we're supposed to be, even if there's no guarantee of it working."

"Yeah," Daniel admitted. "It is."

She shrugged. "Then we have to try."

Hearing that Michelle was willing to give it a go put things into perspective for Sawyer. No matter how much his heart wanted to stay here with Juliet for the rest of their lives, they both cared a lot about Michelle. They had to get her home. When he met Juliet's gaze, she seemed to have the same acceptance in her expression.

Of course, Sawyer did not expect any of this to go smoothly, and it did not. Daniel stupidly tried to explain to Doctor Chang that he was from the future and needed to stop The Swan from being constructed. Everything went to hell from there. Jack, Kate, Sayid, Hurley, and Jin managed to get away from the DHARMA camp, but he and Juliet ended up being taken from the house and interrogated in The Flame by Horace and Radzinsky. Throughout the chaos, he didn't know what had happened to Michelle and felt sick to his stomach. She might be their only hope. He nearly laughed at the thought. It was ironic that now they were depending on Michelle the way she had on them all these years. However, it was a double-edged sword. If someone had said 'Amy' enough times, she might have switched over, and nobody would be around to get her back to being Michelle. At the same time, if Michelle was in control, she would still have to mask as Amy, and that in itself posed the risk of switching over.

"I never liked you from the beginning, LaFleur!" Radzinsky yelled, jabbing the shotgun into his shoulder. He could taste blood from where he had been beaten before. It hurt to blink, too; a black eye was definitely on its way. His ankles and wrists burned from the friction of the rope tightly bound there. But he had sat there and taken it with a look of insolence until Radzinsky had slapped Juliet hard, making him let out a loud curse and threaten him. If he got out, he would waste no time in beating the bastard to a pulp.

Horace and Radzinksy continued to ask questions, accusing them of being spies from the hostiles. They thought Daniel's story about being from the future was an act of trickery to distract DHARMA from some kind of ambush. He wouldn't throw Daniel under the bus, despite knowing that if he did so, and Horace and Radzinsky believed them, then they could resume their happy life. It wasn't just about them. Daniel was Michelle's hope out. More than that, good things weren't meant to happen to him and he wouldn't tempt fate further. He had been a fool to think otherwise. He was going to lose Juliet forever, probably, unless something other than a plane crash brought them together again.

"We're sending you back to Ann Arbor on that sub," Horace decided, and Sawyer could see how his expression differed from Radzinsky's; he was concerned for Amy and Ethan, angry that they might have been around people who wanted to hurt them, for which he couldn't blame him. "If you've hurt my wife or done anything to her in any way–"

The door burst open. "I'm not your wife, Horace," a familiar voice stated tersely, making Sawyer's heart leapt in his chest.

Horace turned with surprise, quickly crossing the room, trying to block her view of him and Juliet, his voice becoming softer as he uttered, "Ames, you shouldn't be here. You need to go stay with the baby. LaFleur and Juliet… they're not who they say they are. They're dangerous. They're hostiles–"

It was hard for Sawyer to see, since Radzinsky was also blocking their view and talking over Horace. Radzinsky fell silent as Horace let out a loud groan, doubling over. Another large thud, and he fell to the ground. Michelle had taken his weapon and hit him across the head with it. Radzinsky was in too much shock to see sweet, innocent 'Amy' using a weapon like that with confidence. He stood there like a deer in headlights, unable to decide whether to raise his weapon at his friend's wife, making it even easier for Michelle to disarm him in the same way. At this proximity, Sawyer got a much better view of her technique: she kneed him between his legs, then coldcocked him with the shotgun he had just used to beat Sawyer.

Michelle huffed and bent down to free their restraints. Sawyer was admittedly in so much awe that he couldn't stop staring. Sure, he had heard her stories of being a Fed but to see her in action was remarkable.

"Well, I'll be damned, Curls."

She blushed a little. "I guess I still remember all my training," she muttered.

"Thank you, Michelle." Juliet said appreciatively.

The three of them used the same rope to tie up Horace and Radzinsky. Michelle seemed to hesitate a little when she looked at Horace unconscious. Even if he wasn't her husband, she probably still felt some fondness for him. They also took Horace and Radzinsky's weapons. Michelle checked for ammunition and loaded the guns in record time. She also said that she had left the baby with one of the other wives of the DHARMA members who has a child of her own. Still, it was clear that had been difficult for her.

They then carefully exited The Flame, observing their surrounding. Jeeps were being driven like maniacs. There was gunfire and shouts for people to get on the sub. Absolute hell. However, it also made it somewhat easy to blend in as they trekked to where the Others were. Sayid was waiting for them, and ushered them over.

"Daniel's dead," Sayid said regrettably.

Juliet's eyes widened. "What happened?"

"His mother happened."

She blinked at him a few times. "Eloise shot her son?"

Sayid nodded. "But she wants to help us locate the hydrogen bomb and finish the plan."

"How do you know we can even trust her?" Michelle pointed out. "That she doesn't plan to kill the rest of us?" 

"Because…" he lowered his voice. "Eloise wants what we want; for the bomb to go off. By doing so, it will annihilate the DHARMA Initiative."

The three of them looked at each other. Once again, Sawyer didn't exactly like this, but it appeared they had no choice. So, they went along with Eloise, Richard, and the other survivors to locate the bomb underground. They ended up, of all places, under Horace and Amy's house. Michelle's CTU training proved even more useful as her knowledge about bombs combined with Sayid's meant they could figure out how to remove the explosive part of the bomb and modify it so it would detonate on impact rather than a timer. The more they prepared to detonate the bomb, though, the more tension rose. His eyes kept flitting to Juliet. He didn't want their possibly final moments together to be spent pushing down feelings. They had come too far for that, and Juliet seemed to know he was the one feeling vulnerable right now because, while Sayid, Jack, and Michelle worked on the bomb, and Kate and Richard — who had knocked Eloise out to protect her — kept watch, she pulled him aside.

"James, it's going to be okay," Juliet whispered. "I… I know it's hard to think about how this might be the last time we see each other. But we'll find each other. If we're meant to be, we'll find each other."

He didn't expect such optimism from her, but it made him feel better. If she was okay, and holding up — not that he expected any less from her — then maybe he didn't have to worry so much. He wasn't an optimist, by any means, but if Juliet, who still carried the pain of her parents' divorce, believed they were meant to be, then maybe they were. Maybe he could at least hope.

Her arms snaked around his waist, and he leaned into her, kissing the top of her head.

"I believe you, Blondie," he admitted. "But it won't stop me from worrying."

She sighed. "I love you. No matter what happens, I love you."

He managed a small smile. "I love you back."

Michelle called them over, announcing that the bomb was ready. They made it to the construction site of The Swan. Chang stood there pensively. The drill was already on, causing a loud, annoying, droning noise. Miles was beside him, his hands interlocked behind his head like he was frustrated. They let the foliage conceal them from afar, but from what Sawyer could hear — Miles really must be yelling to still be audible over the drill — it sounded like he was begging Chang to listen to him about Daniel's theory. It would be so much easier if Chang were on their side.

But it appeared that time was not on their side because soon enough, there was shouting and gunfire from all directions as a team of armed men led by Phil, one of the other DHARMA members charged towards them. It was amazing how three years of living in such proximity made him, Juliet, and Michelle so able to understand each other without words. Add adrenaline, and they had a solid defence set up, but they were outnumbered. Apparently DHARMA must have had some kind of secret weapons training day that Sawyer didn't know about because he saw dozens of people who usually spent their days with their noses in research papers and test tubes brandishing weapons that they clearly knew how to use, although their aim was a little off, especially compared to Michelle and Sayid. 

Michelle moved forward as Sawyer laid down cover fire for her. There was a blazing determination in her eyes that he hadn't seen since the day they had rescued her. However, Phil must have noticed her because he started calling out 'Amy'. She pushed through it. insistently, but the call of the other soul inside of her was insistent, too, because she dropped her weapon and fell to her knees, covering her ears, crying out in pain. 

Sawyer leapt out to protect her, Sayid wordlessly taking over his shooting. This firefight was tough enough; they couldn't afford to lose Michelle, who was one of their best shooters. He grabbed her by the shoulders, trying to snap her out of it. It was even more difficult than usual because of the noise.

But he was so occupied with helping her that he hadn't noticed Juliet make a dash for the construction site with the bomb, not until he heard the loud clangs as it cascaded to the pit where the energy source was.

When he looked up, Phil had a gun to Juliet's head. 

"Juliet!" Sawyer screamed.

Within seconds, everything went white, and Sawyer prayed to every god he claimed to not believe in, that she was right about them being meant to be because the way his heart ached made him realise that he couldn't lose her.

Tony tapped her on the shoulder again. "Michelle?"

Finally, she jolted, looking around herself, then at him, her hand going to her stomach almost instinctively.

"You okay?"

She nodded quickly. "Yeah."

"We're parked," he informed her, realising she was a little disoriented. "We have your appointment with Doctor Burke."

There was a pause before she nodded again.

"You sure you're okay?"

This time, she looked at him with a mostly convincing smile. "Yeah, I'm fine." She then joked, "I don't think I'm coping well with this no-coffee thing." He didn't quite believe that was all it was, but he didn't think he had reason to be concerned. She had probably just been thinking about something, most likely the appointment, which he knew she was a little anxious about.

They walked into the clinic, and Tony was reminded of the gratitude that hadn't yet faded. In a way, it seemed impossible that he and Michelle were back together, safe, happy, and with a new member of the family on the way. It was everything he wanted, and, judging by the way Michelle kept finding his hand, not fearfully, just affectionately, he was sure she felt the same.

The waiting room was quiet. There were a few other couples at different stages of pregnancy to them. He knew Michelle had some apprehension around hospitals and medical treatment, rooted in what she had seen at the Chandler Plaza Hotel, but she seemed comfortable here, for which he was glad.

Tony had barely eyed his watch before the doctor called out for them, punctual down to the minute. Combined with the conveniently close parking spot he had scored, it was like everything was going right today. It was almost silly to be so happy about it, but with everything they had been through, they had to appreciate what they could, from something as small as a parking spot to something as big as having her living and breathing next to him. 

Doctor Burke had a warm smile that made him feel at ease. The usual scrutiny he had towards anyone new, especially when Michelle was with him, came and went in a heartbeat.

The doctor, did, however, look at Michelle intently, a slight crease in her brow. "Sorry, have we met before?" she asked.

Michelle laughed a little. "I was actually going to ask you the same question, but… I can't figure out why." Tony observed the same disorientation on her face as before, which again quickly faded. "I'm Michelle, and this is my husband Tony."

Juliet shook his hand first, but when she shook Michelle's, both of them jerked back, like they had each touched a hot stove. Neither of them moved for a second, but then they each let out a quiet laugh and their relaxed smiles broadened.

"Static electricity?" Tony concluded warily.

"Something like that," Michelle responded rather quickly, and while he couldn't deny he was very confused, both of them being so happy meant he probably didn't need to worry much. Michelle also seemed to look at Tony with a sense of relief, not unlike how they had been right after nearly losing each other again before getting back together. Still, it was so strange, he was sure he would end up asking Michelle about it, anyway. It was like she and the doctor had some kind of innocent inside joke.

The initial discussion went as well as it could. They had been worried to the point of paranoia because of Michelle's exposure to the Cordilla virus. Doctor Macer had theorised it could affect her fertility or make her more likely to miscarry. With everything that had happened after, they had never really gotten around to discussing it. It had only been about a year after getting together, when they had revisited the idea of starting a family, knowing their business was on its feet, that she had confessed those fears were still on her mind. Tony had then started researching fertility experts and found Doctor Burke, whose reputation preceded her.

"All your tests that Doctor Macer requested look great, Michelle," Doctor Burke explained. "I don't think you have anything to worry about, although we'll keep a careful eye on you, regardless."

She relaxed into the chair with a sigh. He took her hand again and squeezed it.

With that huge relief, they only had the ultrasound to worry about, but Doctor Burke swiftly confirmed that everything was looking good there, too.

"Do you want to know the sex of the baby?" she then asked.

Michelle bit her lip and looked at him. They hadn't quite decided whether to keep the sex of the baby a surprise, mostly rooted in their anxiety about the pregnancy being viable. But now that they had gotten the best possible news, he could allow himself to be excited. 

When he looked at Michelle, she seemed to share the sentiment. "You want to know, don't you?"

She nodded eagerly, then they both watched Doctor Burke fiddle with the ultrasound pulser a little more.

"Looks like you're having a boy," she confirmed. "Congratulations."

Tony smiled, lifting Michelle's hand so he could kiss her knuckles. Of course, he would have been happy either way; all that mattered was that the baby was healthy. It did, however, make things feel a little more real. They were having a son.

Still, Michelle's eyes kept flitting to Juliet, and Juliet seemed to keep looking at her. It was almost like they were communicating telepathically. He somehow felt like he should give them privacy; from what, he wasn't sure.

As Doctor Burke finished the scan, and Michelle zipped up her pants, she asked him if he could grab two of the cookies she had seen in the vending machine in the waiting room, one for now, and one for later — later likely being fifteen minutes after the first cookie. When her morning sickness wasn't reducing her to a diet of toast and tea, her spurious cravings were amusing, and he loved cooking for her, so it was a win-win.

He snickered. "Alright, I'll meet you at the front to book the next appointment."

Unfortunately, Tony's streak of luck came to an end, the vending machine not seeming to like pushing two cookies into the tray. By some miracle of physics, they got trapped against the glass. He tried banging on it, but it wouldn't budge. 

As Tony then tried to shove his hand into the exit slot, someone behind him startled him by saying, "You know vending machine theft is a serious crime in the state of California, sir?"

He turned from his awkward position to see a man with a leather jacket and cop badge. Although he had spoken sternly, the smirk on his face made Tony's shoulders relax.

"I'm kidding," he assured. "This machine in particular is a real pain-in-the-ass."

The cop came closer and bent down beside the machine, telling Tony to move his hand. "But there's a trick. If you unplug it, then plug it back in again…" he explained, reaching for the outlet and doing so, the cookies then falling neatly into the tray, "the candy just drops right down."

Tony picked the cookies up. "They teach vending machine cheat codes in police academy now?" Tony asked.

He laughed as they both got to their feet and started walking to the desk. "Not quite, partner. My girl works here. I try to get her snacks since she forgets to eat when she's busy. Figured nobody could arrest me if I tried to figure out why the damn machine didn't work." Tony was aware of the way his face lit up from talking about her. He wondered if he looked like that every time he spoke about Michelle. He kind of hoped he did. "Speaking of…"

As Michelle eagerly plucked the cookies from his hand, the cop walked over to peck Doctor Burke on the cheek. What were the odds? Strangely, Michelle seemed to recognise the cop the way she had the doctor. Tony thanked the cop for his help, not really sure what to say otherwise, getting a little weirded out by the way the three of them were looking at him.

Tony tried to put that out of his mind as he and Michelle walked back to the car, adoring how happy she was and figuring he should be, too.

"I have to ask…" Tony eventually said, driving off to a cafe they usually went to for lunch. "How do you know the doctor? And that cop?"

She shifted slightly, but didn't seem upset. "It's a long story."

He furrowed his brow, confused by her slightly cryptic tone, glancing at her then back at the road. "You didn't say anything when we researched fertility specialists and I found her."

"Well, I didn't realise I knew her until I saw her today."

"What do you mean?"

In the corner of his eye, Michelle still looked hesitant, not like she didn't want to tell him, but like she couldn't figure out how. "Like I said, it's a long story, and a complicated one. A story that… you might not believe."

"Why wouldn't I believe you?" he asked, having now parked the car.

She didn't say anything as they got out and started walking inside. Before he could ask again, as fate would have it, he noticed that Doctor Burke and the cop were sitting in a booth, almost like they were waiting for them.

"Because if I told you the story on my own, it would sound ridiculous," Michelle finally answered, motioning with her head towards their booth. "But if three people told you the same story…" a grin crept across her face. "hopefully it'll make more sense."