"I'm pregnant." Haley's eyes crinkled. "And I think it's going to be a girl."
Nathan laughed a little in disbelief, and she giggled, cupping his face and bringing her lips to his. "I'm glad you're happy about it," she beamed, and he faked a smile because he didn't want to ruin anything.
The news was wonderful, especially since, unlike the first time she told him this, they weren't high school seniors struggling to make ends meet. More than that, it was so good to see her smile after watching the grief of her mother's death eat her up. She was so beautiful when she was happy. But he hated that he couldn't appreciate it as much as he wanted to. He hated that this was bringing up his guilt about what had happened on the road in those fourteen months when he'd met Clay. It wasn't that it didn't bother him. It did. It wasn't that he didn't want to tell Haley. He did, out of respect for their marriage and because he was an honest man. He was not his father. He would not allow lies to build up in their relationship. They were better than this. However, the right time to tell her the truth had never come up or perhaps he had just continued finding excuses. They were so good. They were so happy. Jamie had been through enough. He didn't need this. He needed a constant in his life. He needed his parents to be loving and stable, everything that his own parents hadn't been. So, the secret had sat in his heart, making him spend countless sleepless nights wondering what the ramifications would be. He already knew they would be worse than they would have been if he had told Haley off the bat. He couldn't lose her. God, they'd nearly lost each other so many times. He couldn't lose her, not over this.
So, once she was asleep, he quietly got out of bed, grabbed his cell, and walked outside to the pool. He stopped once to check on Jamie, who was fast asleep. God, what was this going to do to him? Would Haley want to tell him? Or would she bury it under the rug and never speak of it again? They'd never brought up Chris Keller and Haley's decision to go on tour without telling him. That was something of the past. She had been young with her head in the clouds. She had taken a chance, and ultimately, it had brought her a lot of joy, even if the abruptness and lack of communication had hurt their relationship. But he couldn't justify this with his age or being at a turning point in his life. No, he was an adult, and he knew what he had done. More than that, he didn't regret it. That was the problem. It had felt good, and it had felt right. Even if Haley had been at the back of his mind through every second of it, that didn't mean that what had happened with Clay had been some bizarre way of displacing his needs. He might have been in denial initially, but now there was no doubt in his mind that sleeping with Clay was something he had wanted. He also couldn't deny it had been more than sex. He loved Clay. He loved Haley, too. The flame hadn't gone out between them. He loved them both equally but in different ways. He didn't know whether he'd have a relationship with either of them afterwards if he confessed their tryst to Haley. And the thought of that terrified him.
But enough was enough. He needed to stop being a coward and start being honest.
"We need to talk," Nathan said, deciding not to opt for a greeting.
Clay sounded like he was half-asleep. "About what?"
Nathan looked around skittishly, paranoid that Haley or Jamie might be right behind him. They weren't. He was alone.
"You know what," he said quietly.
There was a pause.
"You said we were never going to talk about it again."
It hurt Nathan a little to hear the offence in Clay's voice. He wanted to believe his anger was just masking his fear of being outed. The way Clay had smiled that night… he had to believe it had all been real. No, he knew it had all been real.
"Yeah, well, Haley just told me she's pregnant. I can't keep- I'm not going to lie to her."
Clay let out a long sigh.
"Look, I- I'm not asking you for permission to tell my wife about our affair," Nathan stated, knowing that Clay would just talk him into staying silent. It wasn't that Clay wanted to hide it from Haley or that he resented her or was jealous. Clay loved Haley and Jamie like they were his own family. In a way, this was Clay trying to protect him, like always. Clay was so loyal to him. He'd put anything on the line for his career, his privacy, and the people he cared about. Nathan was sure Clay believed, and rightfully so, that telling Haley would shatter her and their marriage. But Nathan wanted to believe that they would work through this. They always did. He didn't want guilt to sit in his heart forever. He didn't want to let it get in the way of living his life. "I'm calling you to tell her that I want her to know about it, and she will."
"Didn't… didn't she kiss Chris Keller in the first year of your marriage?"
Nathan had only mentioned that once. He was long past the point of being broody about it, although he still had a strong urge to punch Chris whenever he saw his face. That wasn't going away anytime soon.
"I guess… I guess she can't take it too hard." He knew Clay was just speculating to try to calm his own nerves. He was aware that Haley would probably want to have a long, hard talk with Clay as much as she would with him. He wished he could somehow leave Clay out of this, but that wasn't how it worked. If Peyton were here, he was sure she'd call him a martyr like she did all those years ago. "She has to understand." Clay probably didn't even convince himself with that statement.
"But Haley didn't love Chris, Clay," Nathan blurted, a lump forming in his throat. It made him painfully aware of how much he had kept inside. "We can call it a one-off. We can blame it on the beer. Or we can call it what it is: an affair. Because... God, Clay, you're on my mind more than you should be, and I like that. I like thinking about you. I… I love you. I love my wife and my son, but I love you, too."
Silence followed, and, if Nathan wasn't mistaken, Clay let out a choked sob, like he was trying hard not to cry. God, Quinn was probably with him. What was he doing? He was an idiot. He was so focused on his marriage and his life that he hadn't realised that if he told Haley, she would inevitably tell Quinn, regardless of whether he asked her not to. They were sisters. That bond was stronger than anything else. He could understand. If it was the other way around, he didn't think he could keep something like this from Lucas. Clay and Quinn would have to work through this like he and Haley would. Sure, Clay might have a little less at stake, but it would hurt for him nonetheless. He was already a widower. This was why he had kept it in for so long. Every other time he had thought about telling Haley, he had acknowledged how unfair it was to make Clay be upfront about this, too. The night they had slept together, Clay had admitted that it wasn't his first time with a man. That was something personal and didn't deserve to become collateral. There were so many unknowns here, so many people who were entangled in this mess, so many people with hearts and souls who were going to be hurt.
So many people who deserve to know the truth.
"I love you, too. You know that I do," Clay uttered quietly. "But, Nathan you have your whole life ahead of you. You don't have to do this."
"I need to be honest with my wife, Clay," Nathan concluded. "I'm sorry. I know this is going to affect you and believe me, if I could just make this about me, I would. I don't want you to have to deal with the fallout. But I know that I can't keep this from Haley any longer."
"I know," he said with understanding, sniffling. "I know you do. So I guess all I can say is good luck and that I hope she takes it well."
"Thank you," Nathan whispered before saying goodbye and hanging up. Somehow, it felt very foreboding.
Nathan got back into bed, his arm snaking around Haley's waist. She shuffled so her back was resting against his chest. He took a big inhale, staring at the clock radio on her side of the bed. The alarm was set to go off in about four hours. He underestimated how much time he had spent pacing around the pool before actually calling Clay and then pacing around after, replaying those words in his mind again.
I love you, too.
He could hear it in Clay's voice. He could hear it in Haley's voice, too. God, how could he be so lucky to have two people who cared about him so much and yet feel entirely undeserving of either of them?
Nathan didn't sleep a wink that night. He just watched Haley, debating whether to wake her and let it all pour out. But he didn't. She'd barely slept since her mother died. He'd found her sitting and staring at the wall at some ungodly hour many times. So, he let her rest and waited until the morning. She got up and went to the bathroom, only stopping to kiss him again, the smile from last night still wide across her face. Nathan took a breath and followed her, locking the door lest Jamie come in. He usually only locked the bathroom door if they were going to have sex in the shower — something that hadn't happened in a while. Haley looked at him expectantly, but before she could start grabbing at his boxers, Nathan moved to stand behind her and snake his arms around her waist. He kissed the top of her head and sniffed.
"Hey," Haley said softly, bringing her hand to his head. "Are you okay?"
He met her eyes in the mirror. There was light there. He hadn't seen her look this happy in so long, and he hated that he was about to take that happiness away from her.
"I need to tell you something."
She bit her lip and looked very worried. "What's wrong?"
"I... I did something wrong, and I need to tell you because I don't want to keep secrets." He was already speaking in a jumbly rush, his heart racing. He'd barely even said the words aloud to Clay. How the hell was he going to do this?
"Is it money? Your back? A-Are we being blackmailed? Are we in danger?"
"N-No. No. It's not that, this time."
Nathan placed a hand on Haley's shoulder, making her face him. He wasn't a coward. She was his wife, and he needed to tell her the truth.
"I slept with Clay."
The thunder of his heartbeat was so loud he couldn't even hear himself say the words. He was too fixated on Haley's face to care about how pathetic he sounded. First, she was confused.
"What- are you… is this a joke?"
"It's not a joke, Hales."
She still didn't quite get it. She was probably in denial. This was probably the last thing she expected to hear. And it didn't exactly sound believable. Sure, he and Clay were close. But he didn't look like the kind of guy that slept with other guys. Hell, once upon a time, he was the kind of guy to make fun of guys who slept with guys. Not anymore. He'd grown up since then, and times were changing. He just hoped Haley had matured in that way, too.
"When?"
"A-About two years ago when we were on the road together."
Her eyes widened. That only seemed to make her feel worse.
"Then… why are you telling me this now? Why not tell me back then?"
"From that scandal with Renee to everything with your sisters, then losing your mom and your depression. It didn't feel fair to bombard you with that."
She pulled away from him and sat on the edge of the bathtub, clasping a hand over her mouth.
When she next spoke, her voice was weak and quiet, like she was about to cry. "Is this- Is this your way of saying you're gay?"
"I… I'm not gay."
She quirked a brow.
"Alright, maybe a little, but…" He sighed. He'd barely tried to answer that question for himself. Clay was the only guy he'd ever thought of in that way. At least, he was pretty sure. "Not in the sense that I'm not attracted to you. I don't- I don't think about him in place of you. Everything that happened that night just made me realise that the way I thought of Clay was more than how most guys think of their best friend. It made me realise that I was attracted to him. I learned something about myself that night. I struggled to come to terms with it, but it wasn't like I sought it out from a guy behind a bar. It… it was Clay, who has my back and who I trust. But when I make love to you, I don't sit there wishing or pretending you were a Clay or even just a guy."
He bent down to meet her eye.
"I love you. I wake up every morning and think about how I've never felt so deeply in love with anyone except you. I am attracted to you. What happened with Clay…" He shrugged vaguely. "It's its own thing. It's not a- It wasn't that I got something from Clay that I couldn't get from you. I just- It happened. It happened once and never after that, and I'm telling you because you deserve the truth."
"Is Clay gay?"
"It's not my place to answer that," Nathan said. Some things from that night could be kept private. Clay coming out to him was one of them. "I don't want you to take this out on him. I'm telling you for our sake. I know you were already upset with him because of Quinn, but please don't-"
She shook her head and cut him off. "I-I wasn't asking for that reason. I'm not like that. I'm just trying to understand how this even happened in the first place. Were you drunk? Or high? Or… something?"
"I was a little drunk. We both were. But not to the point where I couldn't think clearly. I'm not going to use that as an excuse."
Haley nodded. She was very deep in thought. So was he. Nathan realised that talking about this out loud didn't change the fact that if he really concentrated on it, he could still feel Clay's hands against his skin, the taste of beer and the scrape of his stubble on his lips, the way he'd breathed his name with a slight rasp that had gone straight to his…
"Do you love him?" Haley asked, meeting his eye and snapping him out of his train of thought.
That was the question he was most afraid to answer. He had almost wished she was more caught up in the fact that he slept with someone else or the fact that it was a guy. But if she opened this can of worms about how he felt about Clay… whatever hope he had of miraculously still being married to Haley after this was fading.
"I… I do," he confessed, and she seemed shocked by this. "I'd do anything for him. But Clay is not the person I married. Clay is not the one I vowed to spend the rest of my life with."
Her lips pressed together. She wouldn't even look at him.
"Haley…" Nathan said softly.
But she got up and walked past him, unlocking and opening the bathroom door.
"I need to tell Quinn," she said, her voice wobbling. "Are she and Clay still at the beach house?"
Nathan sighed. He couldn't stop her. And he'd given Clay the heads up, so he was probably anticipating this.
"Yeah, they are."
He felt a terrible sense of foreboding again. While he'd been somewhat glad she'd asked questions, she didn't seem to have liked some of the answers. He felt like he needed to talk about it more and beg her to understand that this didn't change anything between them. But maybe talking to Quinn would help. They were essentially in the same position here; maybe that would help her to process things. But he still couldn't shake his gut feeling, and he'd learned too many times to never ignore it.
"Haley…" he called, making her freeze. She hadn't turned around. "I love you."
"You cheated on me," she said, the hurt plain in her voice like the tears in her eyes when she turned her head. "Saying I love you doesn't make that okay."
"I-I know," Nathan lamented softly. "But me having an affair doesn't change the fact that I love you."
Haley fought back sobs the entire way to the hospital. She was already nauseous from morning sickness, but seeing Clay and Quinn's lifeless bodies had made all the colour drain from her face. There was so much blood over both of them. She didn't even want to think about how long they might have been lying there or continued to lie there if she hadn't rushed over after talking with Nathan. She was so focused on Quinn's chest faintly rising and falling, that the bombshell Nathan had dropped on her hadn't even crossed her mind. This whole day felt like a horrible nightmare. She was the kind of person who tried to plan and make contingencies for every possible scenario, even more so after everything they had been through. But Haley was quite sure that she never could have anticipated any of this: her husband confessing to an affair with his best friend, who was dating her sister, and now fighting for his life.
She just wanted to scream. Haley's everlasting faith had already been shattered by her mother's death, but now she might lose her sister and her marriage. This wasn't fair. All she had ever tried to do was be a good person and be kind to the people she cared about. But everything that had happened over the past few months felt really unfair. She just wanted her life back. She just wanted everyone she cared about to be happy and safe. She wanted Lucas; somehow, she believed he could ground her and make her feel okay when everything was falling apart. But Brooke was on her way to the hospital, and given that she didn't even think she could look Nathan in the eye right now, she was grateful to have her. The person she was thinking about the most, however, was Jamie. How was she supposed to tell him about any of this? Lord only knew how many times the boy had seen people he loved in the hospital, in this hospital. And as for the other thing, she'd barely had the talk with Jamie, let alone this talk.
The ambulance parked, and she walked in lockstep with the doctors as they wheeled Quinn and Clay into surgery. God, she'd been in this waiting room too many times. Brooke called her name, and she turned to face her, surrendering to her tears, and she took her in her arms.
"Honey, I'm so sorry."
Haley let out a sob. She didn't lift her head from her chest for what felt like hours. It was fortunate that the attempt on Clay and Quinn's life was tragic enough to make her cry like this. She wasn't sure if she was ready to talk about Nathan's confession with anyone yet — including Nathan. But she supposed there was something about all of this that Brooke could understand. She'd known about it for a long time but never really talked about it with her. It wasn't because she was avoidant or prejudiced; it just never really came up as a point of relevance. Now, however, she was totally lost and could use not just a shoulder to cry on but someone who could give her advice. Because, shocked as she might be, she wanted to work through this with Nathan. Granted, Nathan sleeping with Clay made her kiss with Chris Keller look like nothing. But she wasn't going to compare the incidents. She had been a dumb kid with big dreams. Nathan was a grown adult. He'd made a conscious choice. The alcohol was not an excuse. He, himself, had said that. But Haley wondered whether Nathan had ever contemplated his sexuality before. If he had but been too ashamed to tell her… maybe the affair wouldn't have happened. She shook her head. There was no point speculating about the past because there was nothing she could do to change it.
She sniffled, looking up at Brooke. "Can I ask you something?"
Brooke smiled at her a little. "About what?"
Haley realised the abrupt change of topic would sound suspicious to Brooke. She supposed she would have to explain some of the context. Haley wasn't normally one to air her dirty laundry — at least, not before she'd tried to work through it with Nathan — but she trusted Brooke.
"About being bisexual."
Her eyebrows raised. "Haley James Scott, did you kiss a girl and like it?-"
"No. It's…" She let out a breath. "It's not about me. I… I'm asking for a friend."
Brooke's gaze sharpened. She didn't seem to believe her. And that was fair enough; they had a pretty mutual circle of friends.
"I mean it," Haley insisted. "It's not me."
"Alright, I'll bite." She didn't seem too fazed. Maybe Brooke just thought she was looking for a distraction, and she would be right. "What do you want to know?"
She didn't quite know how to ask the question vaguely enough. Genuinely, she just wanted to understand it. Nothing made her feel more frustrated and less in control than not knowing how something worked. If she could grasp how it worked... maybe she could figure out a way for her and Nathan to work through this.
"How did you figure it out?"
"Well, I sort of always had a feeling I was different somehow. It was hard to explore it in high school, especially with the whole stupid Peyton dyke rumour." She rolled her eyes. "But once I was in college, and I didn't have the talk of the town to threaten me…" She smirked, "Well, it only took a couple of dates and parties for me to confirm I swing both ways."
"How do you, and… and please don't take this the wrong way, how do you choose who you want to be with?" Haley asked. "Aren't you always thinking about what you could have with the other sex?"
To her relief, since she knew she'd worded that very poorly, Brooke knew her well enough to know she never meant any offence, and simply shook her head.
"Just because I like girls and guys... doesn't mean I can't choose. It's not just about the physical aspects of it. It just means I love the person I'm with for who they are, regardless of their sex. Some people find that hard to understand. I don't typically bring it up on a first date." Her eyes crinkled. "I learned that the hard way. I was naive. I was so happy to be out and be myself that I forgot that the rest of the world isn't always so kind. A few of the girls I was with accused me of 'using' them for experimenting. A few of the guys I was with either called me a dyke and never spoke to me again, or they thought it was my way of implying I wanted a three-way. But I was lucky enough to meet a few special people. People who didn't let that change their perception of me. You and Peyton. Julian. Lucas. Nathan. Even Mouth."
Haley nodded slowly. That made sense. She could get behind that. Obviously, it didn't change the fact that Nathan had acted on his curiosity while married to her. But it did make her feel less insecure. Whatever Nathan had had with Clay… it was separate from what he had with her. She didn't need to compete with him. And it wasn't like Nathan had come to her to say he was leaving or didn't love her. On the contrary, he'd come to her apologetic and riddled with guilt. She hated to think he'd been holding it in for so long. But she hated even more to realise that if she was worried sick about Quinn right now, Nathan was probably just as worried, if not more, about Clay. She just wanted to tell him that everything was okay. With all that they'd been through… she found it harder and harder to hold a grudge these days. Every moment could be their last.
"Thank you, Brooke. That- you have no idea how much that helped," Haley said with a soft smile.
"You're welcome."
At that moment, the doctor came to inform her that Quinn had been stabilised. Clay was still in surgery. Things didn't look good for him. Her heart ached for Quinn and for Nathan. She went to see Quinn, biting her lip at the breathing tube in her mouth. It was too soon to be back here after their mother's death. She kissed her forehead and sat by, holding her hand.
"Hey," Haley said softly. "You're a fighter. I'm so proud of you for pulling through. But I need you to open your eyes when you can, Quinn. Because…" She sighed. "Today has been so much, and I need you. You're my sister, and I love you so much."
Tears started streaming down her face again. Why did this have to happen? The police postulated that it had been an intentional homicide attempt and not something like a robbery gone wrong. She couldn't even think of who might have done this. There was no reason for someone to have attempted to murder Quinn or Clay — unless either of them had some enemy she didn't know about. Even now, Haley felt exposed. She wanted security around Quinn's room and Clay's. Or, at the very least, the comforting presence of her husband. No matter how many questions she had for him right now, she wanted nothing more than for him to hold her and tell her everything would be okay. That had to mean something, the fact that, despite everything that had transpired in the last few hours, Nathan was still first on her mind. As was Jamie. He was a smart kid, and Julian was a terrible liar; it was inevitable that she would have to comfort Jamie and be there for him, too. That wouldn't be a bad thing. Somehow, being there for him at the worst of times managed to ease her own fears, too. It helped that he was a resilient kid, and she couldn't be prouder of him.
Haley turned her head at the sound of creaking. A gurney was being wheeled down the hall. Based on what she could hear the nurses mutter and the glimpse of the patient's face, it looked like Clay. Despite her slight animosity towards him, she also recognised that she didn't want to lose him. She cared about him, too. He'd been such a big part of her family's life. And although he was a little closer to her husband than she liked, it didn't change the fact that losing him would be devastating. Clay had been there for Nathan at a very isolating but also very important period. Granted, Chris had been there for her at an isolating but important period, but she'd felt repulsed by him. In fact, she had felt worse and worse with time. But obviously, being around Clay so much had had the opposite effect. Whatever thoughts he had already had about his sexuality would have heightened, knowing that nobody else was around to judge him. Add some beers to the mix, and she could understand how it had gotten there.
"I'll be back, Quinn," she said quietly, squeezing her hand before she stood up and walked down the hall towards the other room.
It felt like the sky was falling. About an hour after Haley left, she called him in tears, saying that she found Clay and Quinn unconscious. It looked like they had been several hours prior. She didn't find a gun. Nathan realised it could have happened seconds after he got off the phone with Clay the night before. Had he tried to talk to Quinn? Or had this attack stopped him from having the chance? It felt like a horrible, eerie sign from the universe that he shouldn't have confessed to any of this. Like his father and his father before him, he should have buried it deep and let it eat away at him, lest he ruin his image. But he wasn't his father. He didn't prioritise himself over everybody else. He especially didn't let reputation come first. He cared about being honest. Haley was always honest with him. They were married adults with a child. Nathan had to believe that owning up to what he had done was right.
But it really didn't feel that way.
Nathan met Haley at the hospital, but she wouldn't speak to him. Soon, Brooke came down as well. Julian, Mia, and Chase would pick up Jamie from baseball practice and distract him until they had something more concrete about Clay and Quinn's condition. He wanted to get on his knees and beg Haley for forgiveness, but it wasn't the time. She just found her sister in a pool of blood, only about a month after losing her mother. Somehow, his affair felt much less relevant now, although the guilt only grew with the dire situation. As inappropriate as it felt, while Haley went to Quinn and had Brooke keep her company, he went to Clay. His condition was much worse. There were more machines and breathing tubes connected to him than there were for Quinn. The doctors wouldn't even answer his questions. But they seemed to think he might be able to hear things even if he couldn't respond. He'd have to go in for additional surgery soon. His chances were not good. That much was clear. He'd been worried about losing Haley from his confession, but now the fear of losing Clay forever was palpable. It was so overwhelming. Every beep from the machine was like a stab to the heart, reminding him that each breath Clay took could be his last.
He sighed, both of his hands taking one of Clay's. He didn't even check if anybody was around, but it just felt like what he needed to do. And he would like to think that if Clay was aware of any of this, it might be what he needed, too.
"Hey, buddy. It's me," Nathan greeted quietly. "Doctor says you can maybe hear me, so, uh... If you can, why don't you- I don't know- Book me a Rainstorm body spray commercial or something, and then we can get the hell out of here." He chuckled a little at his own joke, but the lack of response made him feel worse. A lump formed at the back of his throat. "Listen... You know how you're always telling me what a warrior I am? The truth is, you're the warrior. My life is so much better because of you. And I'm not sure I ever said thank you for that." There was a euphemism somewhere about how he'd thanked him for that wonderful night, but he refused to entertain that thought. God, Clay looked so pale. The circles under his eyes were so pronounced. It was hard to remember he was still alive. "The, um... the doctors say it's a miracle that you're even breathing. But I know that it's not." He smiled wetly. "All this is nothing. Because I know your spirit. And I've seen your strength." He struggled to fight his tears by this point. "So come back to us when you can. Because I never said thank you. And I never said I love you. Not to your face. I- regardless of what happens, even if that night was all it will ever be, even if I work things out with Haley and you work things out with Quinn… I still love you."
Nathan let out a sob, burying his head in his hands. God, he might lose two people he loved more than anything. If Haley left him, would she let Jamie see him? Or was it just easier to demonise him and make sure he didn't screw Jamie up beyond repair? Quinn would probably break up with Clay out of solidarity with her sister, and that made him sad, too. Clay and Quinn… despite the initial shock and Haley's concerns about her past marriage, they did seem to make a nice couple. Technically, with them leaving, he and Clay could have each other, but it just didn't feel right. It wasn't what he wanted. No, that night with Clay was never going to leave his mind. Nor was he ever going to pretend it didn't happen. But he still loved Haley and Jamie with all of his heart. He knew that Clay loved Quinn, too. He didn't want to be a homewrecker.
Despite how good it had felt to get his confession off his conscience, Nathan could only feel a horrible sense of guilt that threatened to swallow him whole.
He was going to lose someone today. He was sure of it.
And regardless of who it was, it would kill him.
—
As Haley tried to walk into Clay's room, she stopped at the sight of a closed curtain. At first, she thought that perhaps the nurses had done it, but she couldn't hear anything except a quiet voice. She wasn't sure who had managed to visit him first. Brooke, maybe? But as Haley went to leave, not wanting to intrude, she paused as she recognised the voice: Nathan.
"I… I love you, man," he said softly, the way his voice always sounded around her or Jamie, the people he could be vulnerable around. "You have to pull through because you're so important to me and my family. I can't lose you."
Haley's hand came to her chest as Nathan started to cry. When she had walked out of their bathroom this morning, she had seen him on the verge of tears. With what had happened right after, she couldn't imagine how horrible he would have felt. She just wanted to hold him, too. Haley wondered whether once everything was okay and this worry passed — she wouldn't even entertain the alternative — she would feel the same way. Once it was over, would she resent him? She didn't want to. But there was still a pain in her heart that wasn't going away any time soon. She was hurting. Although she might need some time apart from Nathan initially… the only thing that would help her heal was talking it out with him because finding Clay and Quinn unconscious and bleeding out had made her, once again, realise that life was precious. She only had a finite amount of time with every person she cared about. No amount of fighting was ever worth losing someone important to her. While this affair might change some things between them, the way every progressive step or big fight in their relationship did, it wouldn't make her stop loving him. And she certainly didn't want him out of her life.
There was a noise, like a chair was being moved on the ground, and she quickly padded back to Quinn's room. She didn't want Nathan to know she had eavesdropped. Even though part of her was bitter at him for keeping secrets, he still had a right to privacy. As she took her seat, Quinn started to open her eyes. Footsteps sounded behind her, and she turned to see Nathan at the door, who looked like a deer caught in headlights.
"Sorry." He looked away sheepishly. "I'll come back."
"N-No, it's okay," Haley assured, wanting to approach him, to touch the side of his head or brush away the tear he hadn't gotten to, but she kept her distance, afraid he was skittish. "She's just woken up. You can talk to her with me."
Nathan took a good, hard look at her, seemingly sceptical that she couldn't possibly be that nice to him after what he told her this morning. Nonetheless, he took a seat while she walked to Quinn's bedside. Quinn seemed very distressed and confused, so Haley said her name a few times to ground her.
"Hey, hey," she said softly, "it's okay, you're in the hospital."
"Where's Clay? Haley, where's Clay?" she asked, her voice clouded from sleep.
Haley stopped her from trying to get out of bed. "He's in another room. He's okay."
"Quinn, do you know who hurt you?" Nathan asked from behind her.
"That girl, Kaitie. The one who looks like Sara."
Haley looked at Nathan with worry. He knew she was thinking about Jamie. She was sure he was, too.
"We'll make sure you get a chance to talk to the police," Haley assured. "They'll find her, don't worry."
"I-I don't care about that right now. How badly is Clay hurt?" Quinn asked.
"He needs more surgery; he was hurt worse than you were," Nathan explained hesitantly, and Haley bit her lip as Quinn clasped a hand over her mouth, stifling a sob.
She hushed her, pushing a hair out of her eyes. "It's going to be okay. The doctors are doing what they can."
As she continued to comfort her sister, she almost forgot that Nathan was still there until he tapped her shoulder.
"Why don't I go back to the beach house and get their stuff? I think it's easier if you're there for her right now."
Haley narrowed her eyes at him slightly. Maybe this was his way of giving her a chance to talk about what he'd told her this morning. Or maybe he just needed some space and wasn't in the right frame of mind to face Quinn. Either way, Quinn and Clay would be in hospital for at least a few days, so it was probably a good idea for someone to get their belongings.
"Alright. I'll be here with both of them." She wanted to emphasise that even though Clay might not be her favourite person right now, she was still very concerned for his well-being. "Drive safe."
Usually, when one of them was going somewhere, the other would hug them or at least, peck their cheek. It looked like Nathan was trying to do one of those but couldn't decide and seemed almost afraid of her, so he shoved his hands in his pockets and walked off. She sighed. It made her realise just how long he'd been agonising about his confession, but — through no fault of his own — it had happened at the worst possible time, so now they were stuck between addressing the elephant in the room or acting as a united front to be strong for Clay, Quinn, and Jamie.
"Nathan…" She called as he got to the door, making him turn to look at her. "I love you."
The way his face changed made her heart melt. "I love you, too."
Quinn ended up nodding off while Clay was taken in for surgery again. It gave Haley more time to reflect on what Nathan and Brooke had told her. This might be a big thing, but it wasn't worth their marriage. It wasn't worth their family. Yes, she would need time, but they weren't over. He hadn't told her he was leaving. He hadn't told her that he was still actively involved with someone else. He still loved her and wanted to be with her. That was all that mattered.
"Where's Nathan?" Quinn mumbled.
"He went to get your stuff from the house. He'll be back soon."
She nodded. Quinn seemed to stare at her like she knew something was on her mind. Haley believed her intuition was strong with those she loved, but Quinn's seemed almost supernatural. She knew her better than herself sometimes.
"What's wrong?"
"I-I've just been worried sick," Haley answered. It wasn't wrong, but it was certainly vague. "I'm the one who found you both, and I've sat here all day thinking about how bad things might have been if I hadn't gotten there in time."
"Why did you come to the beach house, anyway? I mean, I'm not complaining or anything; you saved my life. But what brought you there?"
Haley sighed. No half-truths came to mind. She wouldn't lie to her sister, and even if she did, she would see right through it. Combined with how she was hesitating to answer such a simple question...
"I wanted to talk to you." Haley decided to say. "I- Something happened with Nathan, and I needed to vent."
If she was being honest, she wasn't really sure what she had intended. She had known Clay would be there. Perhaps some part of her had wanted to confront him then and there in front of Quinn. Or maybe she just would have gone for a walk down the beach and poured her heart out to Quinn.
"Well, why don't you talk to me now?" Quinn said with a small smile. "I'm not exactly going anywhere now, am I?"
Haley had thought long and hard about how to approach the conversation. She hadn't wanted to disrespect Clay's right to tell his side of the story or impose on his relationship with Quinn. She had ultimately concluded she could get most of her emotions out by just omitting the name of who Nathan had slept with.
Haley clasped her hands together in her lap, speaking quietly. "Nathan confessed something to me this morning. And I don't really know how to feel about it. He…" She let out a breath. "He had an affair. Back when he was on the road."
"Wait. I thought Renee wasn't pregnant with his baby?"
"Not Renee. Someone else. A… a guy."
Her eyebrows raised. "What?"
"H-He said he knew he'd been attracted to men for a while, but he also told me that he still loved me and felt the same way and that it would never happen again," Haley went on. "I know people can be attracted to girls and guys. I just… it still hurts, you know?"
When she looked up, she noticed that Quinn had an expression of recognition. Haley had expected her to ask a slew of questions about when, where, how, and why, but she didn't seem to need more information.
"It was Clay, wasn't it?"
Haley froze. How did she know? She had mentally rehearsed that sentence about fifty times. She hadn't given any indication that it was Clay. Right?
"Haley, Clay's gay," Quinn explained, her voice very solemn, like she wanted her to understand it wasn't something that was public knowledge. "I… I've known for a while."
She furrowed her brow. "But you're… together, aren't you?"
"Not as of a couple of months ago. Let me explain." Quinn sighed. "One night, we were sitting and looking through some old photos. It was when we were putting together that slideshow for Mom. Clay had brought out a box. There were some photos of Sara in there. He opened up about her a little. He… I'd never seen him so vulnerable." Haley observed the fondness in her sister's eyes. "When he went to look for another box, I kept looking through them, but then… something else fell out. An envelope. It looked like it had been tucked away on purpose. There were more pictures in there. Not digital. Polaroids. No trace except the original. He had told me he was terrible with cameras, but these were… beautiful. Some just looked like the guys together when they were out on the road. Then I saw a few that had to have been taken in bed. They were…" She shrugged vaguely. "Artsy. I recognised Clay. But I could never tell who the other person was until now."
Although Haley could already connect the dots, she was too preoccupied with the fact that he'd kept the photos. Not because she was worried about someone suing them against Nathan; if they were polaroids and Quinn hadn't recognised her own brother-in-law, then Haley was quite sure it was fine. But because there was something so… intimate about it. People didn't just take and keep photos of one-night stands. Clay loved him. And, to her own surprise, she didn't take that as a threat. No, she felt an odd sense of fondness for him. She cared about Nathan. So, to know that someone else apparently did just as much as her, and in the same way… it made her feel comfortable. He got such little support from his parents, and even though Lucas was a wonderful brother to him, he wasn't within reach on account of Peyton's ongoing health issues and adjustment to parenthood. Then Haley became aware that Clay was fighting for his life. She never thought she would have so much empathy for the man her husband had cheated on her with, and yet…
"Then Clay came back. He caught me red-handed. He… he was very upset at first. It scared me a little. I-I explained to him that it wasn't a big deal. I told him it didn't matter… and that was when he came out to me. He… he sat down, he wouldn't look me in the eye, and he told me that he was gay." Quinn frowned slightly. "He looked so ashamed. He begged me not to tell anybody. He said that kind of thing could end his and Nathan's career, so he didn't want it getting out. So, because I care about him and Nathan and you, I didn't. Truth be told, I was more upset about the fact that he hid his photography talent. Because his work was great."
Haley nodded.
"What about… what about Sara? I mean… they were married."
"He didn't realise it until after Sara. I- I didn't really get into that with him. He was more occupied with making sure I kept this secret. So, I'm staying with him because I love him and I care about him, and I want to make sure he can come out when he's ready."
"But aren't you putting your whole life on hold by pretending to be in a relationship just for his sake?"
Quinn didn't seem to disagree, but she didn't seem bothered by it either.
"He's very good to me. He treats me well, and he loves me. And I want to support him as a friend, in every way that I can, until he's in a position to live his life properly." She met her eyes and seemed to be on the verge of tears. "Even though I know it must have hurt for you to learn about Nathan cheating… please don't take it out on Clay. It was a choice that both of them made."
She could see how protective Quinn was getting over Clay. And she couldn't fault her for that. She realised, objectively, that Clay was in a difficult position. To have to choose between safety and being his authentic self… sounded terrible. Their mother had always raised them to be proud of who they are and embrace their true selves. Not everyone had that privilege. Nathan certainly hadn't. So, who was she to judge? If the people closest to Clay knew the truth and vowed to protect it… then she would do the same. She would respect his wishes. Yes, she would still appreciate a conversation with him about the affair, but she had different intentions about it now. The image she'd had of storming over and confronting him was gone. No, she just wanted to talk to him about it for closure. She didn't want to lose him.
She didn't want to lose him because another lesson her mother had taught her was never to turn her back on her family.
And everything she'd learned today just reinforced that Clay was indeed family.
Nathan returned just in time for the doctor to inform them that Clay needed a kidney donation. Nathan volunteered without even thinking, but right after he spoke, his eyes met Haley's with panic. The doctor also noted that losing a kidney would end his basketball career. They had enough money for him to retire or change careers. They were comfortable enough. More than anything, she admired Nathan for his sacrifice to save someone he cared about. It was just a reminder of how much she loved him and the kind of man he was, the man she had married and vowed to spend the rest of her life with. Although she certainly couldn't have anticipated how she would react this morning, she felt terrible to think he was so fearful that he couldn't even do something kind for Clay without feeling like he was crossing a boundary. So, with soft eyes, she pulled him aside and thumbed at his cheek.
"I-I have to try to save him, Hales," he begged, voice breaking. "I don't care if it means the end of my career. I can't lose him. Jamie can't lose him."
Haley hushed him, pulling him into her arms. "It's okay. I… I might not understand everything, but it's okay. You love him. I-I know that doesn't change the fact that you love me, too. I… I believe what you said." She looked up at him. "I don't- God, Nathan, I'm just grateful you're alive and here with me. Nothing else matters."
"Are you sure you're okay with me giving up my career?"
"Nathan, you're doing it to save Clay's life," Haley whispered. "He's part of our family. Regardless of what happened between you two, I know you will never forgive yourself if you don't try to see if you're a match. I don't want Clay to die. If you can save him, Nathan, then nothing else matters."
Nathan shook his head. "It does matter. You're still going to have these feelings once this is over, and I don't want you to think you have to stand by what you're saying. It's alright to be angry at me."
"The affair upset me, and, yes, we still need to talk about that. But, I could never be angry with you for being yourself." She sniffled. "I love you, Nathan. That will never change."
He hugged her tighter. "Thank you," he mumbled. "I'm so sorry for hurting you. I… I know it's going to take you a long time to get over it, and I don't blame you. But… thank you for understanding."
Haley looked up, cupping Nathan's cheeks, tears brightening her eyes. "You're welcome."
"Mister Scott?" a voice called, and he turned to face the doctor. He had a look of apology on his face. "Your test results are back: I'm afraid you're not a valid match for Clay Evans."
She watched his shoulder slump in defeat. "So… so who's going to give him the kidney?"
"We have a car accident victim who may be a viable match. We're just reviewing his files. We'll let you know as soon as possible if it's a success."
"Thank you," Haley responded, since Nathan appeared to be at a loss for words.
As the doctor walked off, Nathan burst into tears, and she held him to her body, praying with all of her might that everything would be okay. She needed to be here for Nathan right now. It wasn't that her feelings didn't matter or that any of what they'd discussed would go away. But she was his wife, and he needed her. She would give him strength. She would help him stand on his feet. She would comfort him because that was what he did for her. When her mother died and everything fell apart, he had been there. He supported her when she had been too miserable to care for their family. So now it was her turn. They were equals. They were partners. And they could get through anything.
"He's strong, Nathan," she assured. "He's going to wake up, and you're going to be able to tell him you love him for real."
He kissed the top of her head then, leaning into her.
"I hope you're right," he whispered, voice tight.
Her ears perked up at a familiar voice: Jamie. Julian must not have been able to hold him off. And, even though she preferred he wasn't here when they still didn't know whether Clay would make it, at the same time, she wanted to hold him tight and never let go. Nathan seemed to want the same because he pulled away, wiping his tears with the heel of his hand. They went back to Quinn's room, where Jamie was sitting on the bed and brightening the room just with his presence alone. When he noticed his parents come back in, he was very relieved. She and Nathan hugged him, answering his string of questions and assuring him as best they could. She squeezed Nathan's hand the whole time. They were a united front.
When the doctor returned, after what felt like aeons, to tell them that Clay would be okay, the relief between her, Nathan, Jamie, and Quinn was palpable. He was going to make it. He'd need physical therapy and bed rest, but he was alive, and he was okay. They helped Quinn into a wheelchair so the four of them could wait for Clay to wake up in his room. Quinn found her place beside Clay, on his uninjured side. The three of them sat and waited while Jamie told them a story about how terrible Julian (who had gone home with Brooke) was at arcade games. It was always incredible how resilient he was. Kids generally were, but she knew Jamie was special — her bias as his mother notwithstanding. His ability to come back from whatever hardships their family faced always put things into perspective.
They stayed for as long as the hospital let them before going home. She and Nathan were too tired to try talking about things, but she told him she loved him again and made it very clear that this was just a bump in the road for them and nothing more. It took him a minute to be receptive to it, and he offered to sleep on the couch about five times, but when she explained that she wanted her husband by her side, he got into bed with her. When she looked at the clock radio, it was hard to believe that all of this had happened within twenty-four hours. At the start of the day, she had been shocked, hurt and overwhelmed by emotions, but now she was filled with gratitude for the people she cared about.
And Haley carried that gratitude in her heart all the way back to the hospital the next day when she caught a moment alone with Clay. He seemed nervous around her, so she offered him a comforting smile.
"I, uh, I know about the affair, Clay." He looked panicked and tried to speak, but she continued, keeping her voice level. "And it's okay. I also know what you told Quinn, and that's okay, too. Obviously, it's something Nathan and I will have to work through, but… I forgive you, and I forgive him."
He blinked at her a few times, nonplussed by her words.
"You know you don't have to say this because I got shot," Clay said with a nervous laugh. "I slept with your husband. You can be mad at me."
"How could I be mad at you when you do so much for him?"
His expression softened.
"You're a part of our family, Clay," Haley went on. "You always have our best interests at heart. You protect Nathan with everything you have. Even with this, he came to you, admitted something about himself, and you admitted it back, and you gave him a safe place. I… I can understand why you both felt the need to keep that secret, and I respect your privacy. But I want you to know that I love him and accept him for who he is, and I love you and accept you for who you are, too. I just want the people I care about to be healthy and happy. Especially after you and Quinn nearly died. Nothing else matters."
Clay didn't say anything but slowly nodded, taking in what she was saying. His eyes then crinkled slightly, and he responded with a softness she'd never heard from him. "I would go to the ends of the earth for your husband. And for you. And for Jamie. And for your sister. You're my family. You mean everything to me. The affair was…" He sighed. "A mistake. I should never have betrayed you like that, and I never should have let Nathan, either."
"He made that choice on his own-"
"I know. But I didn't stop him. I didn't stop him because…" He wouldn't look at her. "At that moment, it was everything I'd been thinking about since I first met and became close with Nathan. I never wanted to let that get in the way of our friendship like I let it get in the way of my marriage to Sara."
"You are who you are, Clay. We're always growing and evolving as people. We learn things about ourselves sometimes at unexpected times. But hiding them is never the answer."
He laughed through his nose. "Well, depending on the industry you're in. It's a shame that sport can be one of the most homophobic spaces of all when it's my passion."
She frowned a little.
"But maybe one day, when Jamie's grown up, the world will be a better place. I… I have to believe that. I have to believe that one day, humanity will be compassionate enough to let people love who they love without judgement."
Haley noticed his eyes get misty when he said that. Her heart ached for him. He was such a kind soul, and it pained Haley to think about how much more he wanted to show that but couldn't.
"For the record, though." He smiled a little. "If you're worried about Nathan… don't be. He loves you with all of his heart. That year and a half on the road together, if I had a dollar for every time he said your name, I'd have enough money to retire ten times. He might have learned something new about himself, but he'll never let that take precedence over your marriage. You and him have a kind of love that most people can only dream of."
She blushed a little at the almost reverent way he spoke about her and Nathan. But it did make her feel a little better, too. To hear it from someone else, especially the someone else that Nathan had cheated on her with, meant a lot. Especially because Clay really, truly meant it. He wasn't just saying it to defend himself or pity her.
"Thank you for everything you do for us, Clay," Haley whispered, meeting his eyes. "I am so lucky to have you in my life. All of us are. And I want you to know that nothing can ever change that. We love you."
"I love you, too."
No matter how much Haley had assured Nathan that they would be okay and that she wasn't going to leave him or take Jamie away from him, it was hard to believe it. He was certain if it wasn't for the shooting, she would not have gotten to such a place of contentment so quickly. Nathan didn't exactly want to be happy that they nearly lost two people they cared about. But if it put things into perspective for them, once again, and made them look at life with renewed gratitude, then that was nothing to complain about. After spending another day with Clay and Quinn, joking that they could have saved on hospital fees by using one room since Quinn didn't leave Clay's side, they were home again. He and Haley kept an eye on Jamie, wanting to be there for him if he had questions or worries, but he was a tough kid. And, generally, he believed it if he or Haley told him things would be okay. They never liked lying to him. They'd agreed from before he was born that they would never lie to their children. They endeavoured to be honest and make sure their children trusted them. So, the fact that Clay and Quinn were in the clear meant they could all rest easy. They had also decided to tell Jamie he would be getting a little brother or sister, and he had been delighted. He had then asked a number of questions about how babies are made. They hadn't quite expected to have the talk with him yet, but they did their best, and it at least lightened the mood between them a little.
Nathan stood outside Jamie's door now, listening to Haley finish reading him a book before bed.
"Mom? Can I ask you something?"
"Anything."
"You know how you and Dad tried to talk to me about how babies are made?"
Nathan was a little grateful he wasn't in the room. Haley had a way with words that he just… lacked. He had fumbled his way through the conversation earlier, and Haley had been there to save him from saying anything incredibly stupid or misleading.
"Yeah?"
"My friend Allison at school. She has two dads. How does that work?"
There was a pause. The timing could have been better, but Jamie couldn't have known.
"Well, when someone has two dads or two moms, it doesn't quite work the same. Allison's Dads adopted her. But that doesn't change the fact that they love each other and they love her with all their heart just like your dad and I love you." Haley sighed. "Some kids have two moms. Some kids have two dads. Some kids have just one mom or one dad. Other people have grandparents or other relatives that look after them. Everyone's family looks a little different, and that's okay."
"That makes sense," he said with a slight yawn. He was a curious kid; he might have questions tomorrow, but, to nobody's surprise, he was unfazed. It made Nathan smile. "Night, Mom."
"Night, kiddo."
After tucking him into bed and switching off the light, Haley came into the hallway, a little startled to find him there. He smiled at her, and she blushed.
"What?"
"I remember one of the first things that drew me to you was your kindness," he said fondly. "How accepting and open you are of everyone around you. It… it means so much to me that you try to pass that on to Jamie."
She shrugged. "Of course. I want him to be a good person."
Silence followed. He had so much he wanted to say. He wanted to pour his heart out to her. He wanted to get on his knees and tell her again how sorry he was for being unfaithful. She took his hand and led him back to their bedroom.
"Nathan, I've thought a lot these past couple of days about what's happened. And…"
"I don't want you to brush it aside because of the shooting," he insisted, cutting her off unintentionally and trying to get ahold of his word vomit. He felt guilty that he was somehow 'getting away with this'. "There's still more for us to talk about.-"
"Honey…" Haley cupped his cheek. "I wasn't going to go there. What I wanted to say was…" She sighed. "If… if something ever happened to me — and I know we hate to think about these scenarios, but we do have to. If something ever happened to me, I would want you to have Clay in your life and in Jamie's. I… I know we have friends and family there for us, but… I mean it. If something happens to me, I want you and Clay to be together."
He shook his head, unable to accept such a generous blessing. "Clay has Quinn-"
"Quinn knows everything, Nathan. She and Clay broke up months ago. They're just staying together until he's ready to come out because he's a public figure, and so are you."
Nathan bit his lip. God, Clay really did go out of his way to sacrifice everything for him. He really did love him with all of his heart. And hearing this only made Nathan's affection for him grow. Given that he was still considering slowing down his career or making a change… he would really love it if the chance arose for Clay to live authentically.
"My point is, he's our family. And he's important to you. He helped you learn something important about yourself, and I don't want you to have to pretend it doesn't exist. We can talk about it more. I… I don't want you to have to live a lie."
Again, he was so taken aback by Haley's understanding here. She wasn't pretending it didn't happen, but she wasn't fixating on it, either. She didn't see the affair as a personal attack on her, like many women in her position would. She understood that it wasn't that he didn't love her anymore or that his feelings for her had changed. There was just space in his heart for someone else, and she honoured that.
"So… so we're okay?"
Haley nodded. "Yeah, we are."
How had he gotten so lucky? Nathan pulled her in for a kiss, feeling tears sting his eyes. She reciprocated eagerly, her hand lacing through his hair.
And as her hands came to his shirt buttons, Nathan decided then and there that he would show her how grateful he was to have her.
Because life was short, and if he didn't take every opportunity to show the people in his life just how much he cared about them, then what was the point?