Leave This Blue Neighbourhood

“You can do this, Jacob.” Paul urges sweetly. It's like he's helping him to face a fear of heights or hyping him up for a job interview, not encouraging him to murder the stranger before him.

Joe has given Jacob an ultimatum. If he doesn’t finally dare to make his first kill, he is not to come to the compound where all of the followers are finally headed.

Jacob has the knife hovering over Megan’s chest. He is actively gripping it tightly so his hand won’t shake. He doesn’t want to miss when he does this, if he does this. He wants her to die instantly. He doesn’t want to watch her suffer. She isn’t an animal; she is a person with a heart and soul. A family. Friends. People who love and care about her. People who are worried sick. All because of Paul’s impulses. Paul was already pissed about him and Emma, and now Jacob felt like the only way for the three of them to get along was to do this. But he doesn't want to. He's scared. Joe said it was important. That's all that matters, right? But despite how welcoming Joe is and how much Jacob has clung to that secure feeling he gets from him, he still feels unworthy. Paul and Emma are worthy of Joe and his guidance. Not him. They have what it takes. They have the darkness — the gift, as Joe had put it. What the hell does he have? Compassion? A calm demeanour to reassure Joey throughout all of this? He isn’t going to be useful forever.

And he understands that that is precisely what Paul is afraid of.

It isn’t just about feeling worthy; it's about knowing that Joe will give them the home he promised. That's all he wants, all they want. Yes, they're glad to have a place to feel accepted and welcome, but they just want somewhere to be safe. Somewhere to call home away from their past and all the people who have wronged them. He knows that. He does. And killing this woman is the key to finally ridding himself of his insecurity. Numbers don’t matter. If he can just make this kill, it will be enough. Maybe it's like riding a bike. Maybe he'll get used to this, so he won’t have a mental breakdown every time he thinks about it. He will learn to detach, just like Paul and Emma. He also recognises that, in their cases, their first kills came as a result of snapping, of finally having enough after being mistreated. Megan is different. She is someone who has never hurt him or even given him a reason to dislike her. He sees Sarah in her. And he hadn’t wanted to kill Sarah. He thinks about his father. He thinks about how many times Paul has not so casually suggested giving him what he deserves for putting so much pressure on him growing up. The offer has always been tempting. But every time he has thought about it, he has thought of his mother and how upset she would be, despite her awareness of his father's faults.

He needs to do this. God, if he wants any chance of grappling with his feelings for Paul —something else he has been putting off for a long time — he needs to do this. Jacob feels tears prick the backs of his eyes. There's just so much on his mind. But he looks over at Paul and can see that he is on the verge of breaking down, too. He might not be saying it, but rather letting him make this decision on his own, but he is begging him. Jacob can see it in his eyes. If he does this, God only knows how grateful Paul will be. Jacob might not have the guts to confess that he thinks about that kiss they shared in the basement every single night and that if he had the chance to do it all over again, he wouldn’t be such a selfish fucking wuss. But maybe he has the guts to do this. Right here. Right now. If he can kill, he can prove that he is committed to Joe and the cause, but most importantly, to Paul.

“Please, Jacob,” Paul says, now with less sweetness and more painful desperation. “If you care about me, you’ll do this.”

Jacob hears his voice break when he says ‘care’. It's like he wants to say something else. And Jacob knows exactly what that something else is.

“I’m sorry.” He whispers, meeting Megan’s eyes and watching them widen as he drives the knife into her chest. She is already covered in blood and dirt, but he can still see the fresh circle of crimson form and slowly spread across her chest. Jacob keeps watching to ensure that Megan is dead. He hopes he won’t have to stab her a second time, but if push comes to shove, he will. She makes a horrible whimpering sound before her body stills. With a shaking hand, he shuts her open eyes, and only then does he look at Paul, who has a combination of shock and happiness on his face.

“You did it.” Paul smiles, just a little, and if Jacob isn’t mistaken, there are tears in his eyes. “You killed someone. You did it.”

“I did it.” Jacob echoed, laughing slightly, and before he knew it, Paul strode over, cupped his cheeks, and kissed him. Jacob kisses him back without fear of being gawked at by Emma this time, wanting nothing more than to show him in every way that he isn’t afraid anymore. Everything about this feels right. He doesn’t want to let go; he doesn’t want to ever be in a position where he is willingly pushing Paul away. All he wants is him. All that matters is him.

He pulls away just enough to catch his breath and press his forehead against Paul’s. Paul’s thumbs are stroking his cheeks, wiping away his tears.

“Let’s go home,” Jacob says. “Let’s call Joe and tell him I’ve done it.”

Paul nods eagerly. “I’ll go tell Emma.” He sniffles. “She’s going to be so happy.”

It really starts to sink in when Paul leaves and Jacob is left standing there over Megan’s body. He did it. He finally did it. His first kill. And all it did was make him aware of the time they’d lost from his cowardice. Every second of hesitation, weakness, has kept them in hiding, in fear of being exposed as followers of Joe. But now… now that they can leave because they have Joe's approval, they can finally live authentically. Not as Will Wilson and Billy Thompson. Just as Paul and Jacob. He's still thinking about Emma. He cares about her. She cares about him.

“Oh my God, it’s true.” Emma breathes, and Jacob turns to see her just as happy as Paul. She comes up behind him and snakes her hands around his waist, while Paul kisses his cheek. “We’re so proud of you,” Jacob admits to himself that those words mean more than they’d ever realise. He has never been allowed to feel proud of anything. His parents have always pushed him so hard to do better, to be better. Nothing was ever good enough for them. Now he's proven himself worthy to his real family. To the people who actually care about him. He can finally have what he wants — what he’s craved ever since he sought out Joe.

Emma calls Joe to tell him the news, and while Jacob wonders whether Joe may want proof, it’s clear that the happiness in her voice is an indicator that she’s not lying. She puts the phone on speaker. Joe personally tells Jacob how proud he is of him and that he always had faith that he would be able to go through with it.

“We’ll be expecting your arrival shortly,” Joe says warmly, and Jacob feels relief flood his body as soon as he hears those words. The call is cut short (they’re using a burner), but they’ll have much more time to talk to Joe when they get there. Not if they get there, but when they get there.

“Well, we better not disappoint him then.” Paul smiles. Together, they start to pack up the house and carefully remove any trace of their stay, should it be needed by the followers again, God forbid.

They get Joey into the car, who asks why everybody is crying, and he seems less afraid when Emma says they’re going home. Obviously, Joey doesn’t quite realise that home is not where his mother is, but as soon as he clicks that they’re heading even further away from his old neighbourhood, Emma explains that they’re going home to his father. Joey is full of questions. He’s skittish. He knows enough about Joe to know he’s perceived as a bad man — the kind of man to be afraid of. But the three of them reassure him with soft voices and promises of all the toys he wants and a big, happy family of people who care about him, that he’ll be perfectly happy there. Joey’s not stupid. He saw through what they were doing then, and he’s seeing through it now. However, with Joe around, Jacob won’t have to feel so responsible for Joey. It’s not that he doesn’t care about him; he does. But it will be a lot easier to spend time with him without the pressure of having to act like his surrogate father.

Jacob can feel his heart race as they get closer. He keeps meeting Paul and Emma’s eyes in the rearview mirror, struggling to hide his smile (he’s in the backseat, so Joey isn’t as scared). He’s still nervous. One, things could still go wrong on the road if they get stopped by police, and two, he’s anxious to see Joe. But he feels safe with Paul and Emma. They’re together. They’re a united front. More than that, they had verbal confirmation that Joe wanted them there. It doesn’t quite feel real. Some part of him worries this is just an elaborate dream, and he’s going to wake up in the spare bedroom by himself. He takes peace in the unfamiliarity of their surroundings as they continue to drive. The lush trees, the empty roads, the peace. Joey seems interested in it too, temporarily distracting it from his discomfort at this being so unfamiliar to him.

The manor itself is large, spacious, and appropriately feels like something out of one of Poe’s works. They are greeted by people who look like sheriffs, but Emma reacts as though they are long-lost family and not people to be afraid of, so he trusts them. When they walk inside, dozens of people stand there waiting for them. It takes Jacob a second to realise that it’s for Joey, not for him, but Jacob does enjoy the attention, just a little. Joe comes out, and he feels Paul take his hand while Emma takes Joey’s and walks them towards Joe, who bends down and is all smiles and genuinely happy to see his son. It’s almost impossible to remember who he is. Except this is who Joe is. He may be a serial killer, but he loves his son with all his heart. Joey is still scared, and Jacob feels bad for him. He can understand that.

But when Joe personally steps forward to thank the three of them for taking care of Joey and bringing him here, Jacob truly feels it set in. They have a place. A safe place surrounded by people who care about them and understand them. They don’t have the threat of the FBI finding them looming over their heads; at least, it's a much less significant threat, and they can talk about what really matters. Their future. Their future together.

Jacob squeezes Paul’s hand, and Emma takes the other. He feels grounded by his touch. 

They’re home.